Top10 Rules for dating my daughter

wwwrunner · 09-21-2006, 08:57 AM

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

bigandrich44 · 09-22-2006, 10:38 PM

ROFL, now I'm scared of my girlfriends parents............

.22guy · 09-23-2006, 12:18 AM

(yawns) This is really old...

wwwrunner · 09-23-2006, 02:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by .22guy

(yawns) This is really old...

it's old, but it's very usefull . I have a daughter. And she's 17:gangster:. So... that rules are the best... for me (ROFL)

Troy · 09-23-2006, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by .22guy

(yawns) This is really old...

good thing there is no shelf life on something that is funny eh? suprisingly enough i got a laugh out of this post and i have read it many times before as well. quit trying to make the guy feel lousy about posting something you may have read before. this isn't the first time you picked on him, now give it a rest. i am pretty sure that others are gonna get a laugh out of it whether it makes you yawn or not.

N2914J · 09-23-2006, 07:29 PM

Yeah, I've read it and I still get tears in my eyes over the last few.

.22guy · 09-24-2006, 12:54 AM

I think I'll say whatever I want, thanks.

.22guy · 09-24-2006, 01:13 PM

All the guy does is post a bunch of jokes, over half of which are lame. I can comment on that if I want. I'll bet this joke has been posted 5 times on this forum before. I'm not going to argue with you about it. I'll post a comment if I feel something is lame. It's a free country down here. Have a nice day.

Troy · 09-24-2006, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by .22guy

I think I'll say whatever I want, thanks.

good to see that your not concerned with treating the new members with any respect. good man. shut em up so they dont want to come back. good forum behavior. if you cant see why trashing the guys jokes is gonna send him away there is not point showing you again. the jokes aren't in bad taste, your just being beligerant.

Troy · 09-24-2006, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by .22guy

All the guy does is post a bunch of jokes, over half of which are lame. I can comment on that if I want. I'll bet this joke has been posted 5 times on this forum before. I'm not going to argue with you about it. I'll post a comment if I feel something is lame. It's a free country down here. Have a nice day.

yawn

.22guy · 09-24-2006, 01:26 PM

Why don't you go blow Chunks the dog? Or did you miss that lovely joke by your best friend wwwrunner?

.22guy · 09-24-2006, 01:28 PM

I feel a little beligerent because this guy decided to send me jokes that really were "offensive". Intentionally trying to offend me. I should have reported him.

wwwrunner · 09-24-2006, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by .22guy

I feel a little beligerent because this guy decided to send me jokes that really were "offensive". Intentionally trying to offend me. I should have reported him.

No. I sent you just one to see that i didn't post here all the jokes I found.
I'm apologise if that joke offended you. But when I readed it I'd laugh and never feeled offended. Sorry, but if you choosed to be offended... it's your choice. mine is to laugh (if you like it with you, if you don't like it without you)... but together with all those who laugh when they read a joke (even it's a joke wtitten by Moses).
Have a nice day. No offence.
P.S. If you want to report me ... just do it.

.22guy · 09-24-2006, 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wwwrunner

P.S. If you want to report me ... just do it.

Don't worry, I will. I don't need your permission.

wwwrunner · 09-24-2006, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by .22guy

Don't worry, I will. I don't need your permission.

that's what i said too. Do it, not talk about it.

.22guy · 09-24-2006, 04:12 PM

How about "Do it, don't talk about it".

Too bad I deleted it, schmuck. I'm done with you and your broken English jokes.

wwwrunner · 09-24-2006, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by .22guy

How about "Do it, don't talk about it".
Too bad I deleted it, schmuck. I'm done with you and your broken English jokes.

If you can say it better in my native language , please be my guest. (Or in latin, i understand this too).

Oxford · 09-24-2006, 09:39 PM

Hey....I consider all you combatant's my G&G friends. Please shake hands and get along like gentlemen. Otherwise, I will post more of my sick jokes.:guitar:

...or contact 7Mmag6 to come out of moderating retirement to settle this his way.

Actually, I appreciate jokes of all kinds, including those generated in other lands. I don't expect everyone to write perfect English, or I would be in big trouble myself with some of my spelling and grammer.

I'm enjoying nearly all the jokes posted and believe that anyone not liking them can ignore them if they like. Obviously, not every joke is funny to everyone...and I don't expect them to be that way, either.

So...get busy posting better jokes if those you read aren't funny.

Despoiler · 09-24-2006, 10:23 PM

Hey 22 guy you can ignore any member on this forum, just go into their profile and add them to your ignore list and you never have to see another post by that member. That way you don't have to be offended, life is too short to be offended all the time.

wwwrunner · 09-25-2006, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oxford

Hey....I consider all you combatant's my G&G friends. Please shake hands and get along like gentlemen. Otherwise, I will post more of my sick jokes.:guitar:

...or contact 7Mmag6 to come out of moderating retirement to settle this his way.

Actually, I appreciate jokes of all kinds, including those generated in other lands. I don't expect everyone to write perfect English, or I would be in big trouble myself with some of my spelling and grammer.

I'm enjoying nearly all the jokes posted and believe that anyone not liking them can ignore them if they like. Obviously, not every joke is funny to everyone...and I don't expect them to be that way, either.

So...get busy posting better jokes if those you read aren't funny.

Oxford, i came here for fun. As you can see i did't answer at the begining of this "pointless argue", but everibody have a limit. Thanks for underlining the spirit of an humor forum: To have fun. (by the way, after the begining of this argue I start to feel something like before 1989, when here yo must think not twice but ten times before telling a joke. If you choosed the wrong joke or the wrong person to tell ... destination jail. but that feeling was just for few seconds... and you know why ? Because now here, and there, everibody is free to laugh OR TO IGNORE a joke. That is the reason why I answered to all of this, because now I really feel free to speak).

09-21-2006, 08:57 AM	#1
wwwrunner Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: ROad to inferno... (maybe) Posts: 107	Top10 Rules for dating my daughter Rule One If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. __________________ Where you can go from the middle of nowhere ? Nowhere ? ... Everywhere? ... That depends on you.

09-23-2006, 12:18 AM	#3
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,137	(yawns) This is really old... __________________ Guns: they are like baseball cards except they are cool and you can kill things with em. -Billy

09-23-2006, 07:29 PM	#6
N2914J Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Little Rock, AR Posts: 391	Yeah, I've read it and I still get tears in my eyes over the last few. __________________ God Bless America

09-24-2006, 12:54 AM	#7
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,137	I think I'll say whatever I want, thanks. __________________ Guns: they are like baseball cards except they are cool and you can kill things with em. -Billy

09-24-2006, 01:13 PM	#8
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,137	All the guy does is post a bunch of jokes, over half of which are lame. I can comment on that if I want. I'll bet this joke has been posted 5 times on this forum before. I'm not going to argue with you about it. I'll post a comment if I feel something is lame. It's a free country down here. Have a nice day. __________________ Guns: they are like baseball cards except they are cool and you can kill things with em. -Billy

09-22-2006, 10:38 PM	#2
bigandrich44 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 1,013	ROFL, now I'm scared of my girlfriends parents............

09-24-2006, 01:26 PM	#11
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,137	Why don't you go blow Chunks the dog? Or did you miss that lovely joke by your best friend wwwrunner? __________________ Guns: they are like baseball cards except they are cool and you can kill things with em. -Billy

09-24-2006, 01:28 PM	#12
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,137	I feel a little beligerent because this guy decided to send me jokes that really were "offensive". Intentionally trying to offend me. I should have reported him. __________________ Guns: they are like baseball cards except they are cool and you can kill things with em. -Billy

09-24-2006, 04:12 PM	#16
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,137	How about "Do it, don't talk about it". Too bad I deleted it, schmuck. I'm done with you and your broken English jokes. __________________ Guns: they are like baseball cards except they are cool and you can kill things with em. -Billy

09-24-2006, 09:39 PM	#18
Oxford Super Moderator Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Gladstone, Missouri Posts: 13,021 Blog Entries: 4	Hey....I consider all you combatant's my G&G friends. Please shake hands and get along like gentlemen. Otherwise, I will post more of my sick jokes.:guitar: ...or contact 7Mmag6 to come out of moderating retirement to settle this his way. Actually, I appreciate jokes of all kinds, including those generated in other lands. I don't expect everyone to write perfect English, or I would be in big trouble myself with some of my spelling and grammer. I'm enjoying nearly all the jokes posted and believe that anyone not liking them can ignore them if they like. Obviously, not every joke is funny to everyone...and I don't expect them to be that way, either. So...get busy posting better jokes if those you read aren't funny. __________________ "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right".

09-24-2006, 10:23 PM	#19
Despoiler Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: The Occupied Territory of California Posts: 2,232	Hey 22 guy you can ignore any member on this forum, just go into their profile and add them to your ignore list and you never have to see another post by that member. That way you don't have to be offended, life is too short to be offended all the time.