10 Rules For Dating My Daughter.

JoeLee · 07-01-2007, 10:00 AM

10 Simple rules for Dating my Daughter

10 simple rules for dating my daughter
RULE ONE:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

RULE TWO:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

RULE THREE:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

RULE FOUR:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

RULE FIVE:
In order for us to get to know each other, you might think that we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”.

RULE SIX:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

RULE SEVEN:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour has gone by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don’t’ you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool
Places where there are no parent’s, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

RULE NINE:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and 5 acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

RULE TEN:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Saigon. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

bigandrich44 · 07-01-2007, 10:08 AM

Old, and has already been posted.

ArkansasHunter · 07-01-2007, 11:43 AM

Thanks JoeLee I've never read that before. It was cute...A.H

JoeLee · 07-01-2007, 12:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigandrich44

Old, and has already been posted.

Think I should delete it?

bigandrich44 · 07-01-2007, 12:43 PM

Yeah lol.

troy2000 · 07-01-2007, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JoeLee

Think I should delete it?

I'm old and repeat myself anyway; if it's worth saying, it's worth repeating now and then...

billy · 07-01-2007, 03:37 PM

this is the best part.
RULE FOUR:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you

cubbieman · 07-01-2007, 05:10 PM

rule 8 is too easy.... here anyways, hockey games and parkas are normal in winter

chrish · 07-01-2007, 05:59 PM

well but if you were in your 60's and your little girl were in the 40's youd have one rule: GET THE **** OUT OF THE HOUSE

.22guy · 07-01-2007, 06:31 PM

Seen it a million times, but it's still funny.

JoeLee · 07-01-2007, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrish

well but if you were in your 60's and your little girl were in the 40's youd have one rule: GET THE **** OUT OF THE HOUSE

My little Girl is 34 and welcome back at my shack anytime she wants.How old are you chrish;317842,are you in trouble,or something?

Apollyon67 · 07-02-2007, 05:48 PM

I wonder how often Ash gets these rules sent to him? It's not like he is gonna read them anyway.

07-01-2007, 10:00 AM	#1
JoeLee Banned Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: North New York State. Posts: 1,241	10 Rules For Dating My Daughter. 10 Simple rules for Dating my Daughter 10 simple rules for dating my daughter RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up. RULE TWO: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. RULE THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. RULE FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. RULE FIVE: In order for us to get to know each other, you might think that we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”. RULE SIX: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. RULE SEVEN: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour has gone by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don’t’ you do something useful, like change the oil in my car? RULE EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where there are no parent’s, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. RULE NINE: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and 5 acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. RULE TEN: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Saigon. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

07-01-2007, 10:08 AM	#2
bigandrich44 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 1,013	Old, and has already been posted. __________________ http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/1...eehobosig9.png

07-01-2007, 12:43 PM	#5
bigandrich44 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 1,013	Yeah lol. __________________ http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/1...eehobosig9.png

07-01-2007, 03:37 PM	#7
billy spiritual counselor Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: a secret lab on the shores of lake titicaca Posts: 12,103 Images: 9 Blog Entries: 146	this is the best part. RULE FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you __________________

07-02-2007, 05:48 PM	#12
Apollyon67 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Southern Maryland Posts: 2,235 Images: 17	I wonder how often Ash gets these rules sent to him? It's not like he is gonna read them anyway. __________________ "To err is human, to repent divine; to persist devilish." Ben Franklin

07-01-2007, 11:43 AM	#3
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,686	Thanks JoeLee I've never read that before. It was cute...A.H

07-01-2007, 05:10 PM	#8
cubbieman Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Alaska Posts: 1,481	rule 8 is too easy.... here anyways, hockey games and parkas are normal in winter

07-01-2007, 05:59 PM	#9
chrish Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: IOWA Posts: 373	well but if you were in your 60's and your little girl were in the 40's youd have one rule: GET THE **** OUT OF THE HOUSE

07-01-2007, 06:31 PM	#10
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,152	Seen it a million times, but it's still funny.