Can you relate to this ?

ArkansasHunter · 04-04-2008, 11:32 AM

One Man's Good Fight

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to poop yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your bohucky cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot !!!

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

Mistake !!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my Gosh", floating above the toilet seat because my arse is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabisch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. The manager claim's they're going to have to repaint the store...
_________________

andrew cochran · 04-04-2008, 11:54 AM

I spit coffie all over my keyboard. Very funny! Nice one!

wunhunglo · 04-04-2008, 11:58 AM

One of the best and I can relate to it!

Mooseman684 · 04-04-2008, 12:09 PM

Now that was funny, I don't care who ya are....

texnmidwest · 04-04-2008, 12:42 PM

That was WWWAAAAYYYY to funny!

And Yes, I have been there!

I remember walking with a friend of mine through a store. I was behind him. I stopped to look at something and my friend kept walking not noticing that I had stopped. In the meantime a nicely dressed middle aged woman had walked past me and was now behind my friend. He let out a flubber to end all flubbers and said "Left something for you to run into." Then he turned around and saw the face of a horrified woman unable to breathe! I still laugh my butt off when I think about that!

BaserRonin · 04-04-2008, 12:58 PM

you owe me a new keyboard! This one has coffee all over it now.
Thanks AH. that was classic

rugernut · 04-04-2008, 01:01 PM

i shouldnt read these while im at work every one wonders why i bust out laughing and cant stop laughing even when everyone is looking at me

that was a great and i too can relate

STITCH · 04-04-2008, 01:06 PM

WOW that was Halorious!! I swear it took my like 20min just to read it becasue I was laughing to hard, that I was crying!!!

Windwalker · 04-04-2008, 01:33 PM

A.H., that was a classic. I laughed so hard tears were flowing, I could personally relate to that. Been a long time since I laughed that hard or that long.

ArkansasHunter · 04-04-2008, 01:35 PM

I'm still laughing too and tex didn't help matters either.

I shouldn't tell this but I have walked in to people's clouds before too !!!
It's so bad !!!

newhunterette · 04-04-2008, 01:59 PM

OMG that is just too too funny - ya reminded me of mt daddy because he had a hankering to do that on a regular basis when out shopping OMG I think I broke something from falling ioff my chair laughing

snuffysmith · 04-04-2008, 02:56 PM

AH YOU ARE TOO BADDDD!!!
Here I thought I knew you and you come up with two new never before seen talents.
First, the easy to see talent of chili making, consuming, and processing.
Second, writing! That story was very well told and worthy of an award.
I will never be able to go in either of those stores again without thinking of you.

Snuffy

ArkansasHunter · 04-04-2008, 03:10 PM

Hey Cuz !!! Snuffy be careful when you go to those stores, when you think of this, it might trigger the Big Urge...Good Luck...A.H

Cyrano · 04-04-2008, 03:17 PM

That's a good story, AH. Excellent visual imagery. I think everyone, except tight-asses like my wife who is convinced she never farts, has been there at one time or another. If you can clean it up, you ought to send it to Readers Digest for "Life in America." It's too good not to share! I think I'm going to copy it, crediting you, and send it to the local drivetime show morning zoo.

ezearln · 04-04-2008, 03:18 PM

Gawd A.H. where'd you manage to swipe my wider makers chili recipe (I might add complete with flatulence enhancing ingredients?) ???? Dang

MrsS · 04-04-2008, 03:33 PM

Loved It!

TXplt · 04-04-2008, 04:56 PM

LOL !!!!!!

Nice, A. H.

Especially for someone who loves Tabasco and Jalapenos.

ArkansasHunter · 04-04-2008, 07:02 PM

I wish I could take credit for writeing the story but I didn't !!! LOL I got it off the net !
Though I can write funny storys, someone else wrote this one.
1 also cleaned it up some a few minutes ago...A.H

smokey · 04-04-2008, 07:30 PM

LOL thats the bestun that I read in a loooong time

rondog · 04-04-2008, 08:17 PM

Oh, you wanna read funny, read this one! A gross true story - The Humor Archives - funny jokes, pictures, cartoons and movies

And, I should give out a bad language alert on this....

04-04-2008, 11:32 AM	#1
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,715	Can you relate to this ? One Man's Good Fight I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to poop yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your bohucky cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot !!! There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake !!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my Gosh", floating above the toilet seat because my arse is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabisch!", then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem." That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. The manager claim's they're going to have to repaint the store... _________________ Last edited by ArkansasHunter; 04-04-2008 at 06:54 PM.

04-04-2008, 11:54 AM	#2
andrew cochran Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Little town in ARKANSAW! Posts: 2,157	I spit coffie all over my keyboard. Very funny! Nice one! __________________ If you don't have anything good to say... Don't say it!

04-04-2008, 12:09 PM	#4
Mooseman684 Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Alaska Wilderness Posts: 9,688 Images: 2	Now that was funny, I don't care who ya are.... __________________ You know you might be facing your doom,when all you get is a click when you're expecting a BOOM!

04-04-2008, 12:42 PM	#5
texnmidwest Listen to yur Inner Hippo Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: South east Wisconsin Posts: 3,459	That was WWWAAAAYYYY to funny! And Yes, I have been there! I remember walking with a friend of mine through a store. I was behind him. I stopped to look at something and my friend kept walking not noticing that I had stopped. In the meantime a nicely dressed middle aged woman had walked past me and was now behind my friend. He let out a flubber to end all flubbers and said "Left something for you to run into." Then he turned around and saw the face of a horrified woman unable to breathe! I still laugh my butt off when I think about that! __________________ "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati" (If all else fails play dead)

04-04-2008, 12:58 PM	#6
BaserRonin Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: In a Dark Cubicle Posts: 371	you owe me a new keyboard! This one has coffee all over it now. Thanks AH. that was classic __________________ "It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favour of vegetarianism" ~ R. W. Inge

04-04-2008, 11:58 AM	#3
wunhunglo Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: currently "Sunny West Africa" Posts: 1,659	One of the best and I can relate to it!

04-04-2008, 01:01 PM	#7
rugernut Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: TEXAS Posts: 62	i shouldnt read these while im at work every one wonders why i bust out laughing and cant stop laughing even when everyone is looking at me that was a great and i too can relate

04-04-2008, 01:06 PM	#8
STITCH Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Missouri Posts: 114	WOW that was Halorious!! I swear it took my like 20min just to read it becasue I was laughing to hard, that I was crying!!!

04-04-2008, 01:33 PM	#9
Windwalker Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 3,596	A.H., that was a classic. I laughed so hard tears were flowing, I could personally relate to that. Been a long time since I laughed that hard or that long. __________________ America: Love it and protect it or leave it

04-04-2008, 01:35 PM	#10
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,715	I'm still laughing too and tex didn't help matters either. I shouldn't tell this but I have walked in to people's clouds before too !!! It's so bad !!!

04-04-2008, 01:59 PM	#11
newhunterette Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Fraser Valley, British Columbia, Canada Posts: 353	OMG that is just too too funny - ya reminded me of mt daddy because he had a hankering to do that on a regular basis when out shopping OMG I think I broke something from falling ioff my chair laughing __________________ "a real Proud southern Canadian Beaver but have always adored my American neighbours"

04-04-2008, 02:56 PM	#12
snuffysmith Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: central Arkansas Posts: 565	AH YOU ARE TOO BADDDD!!! Here I thought I knew you and you come up with two new never before seen talents. First, the easy to see talent of chili making, consuming, and processing. Second, writing! That story was very well told and worthy of an award. I will never be able to go in either of those stores again without thinking of you. Snuffy __________________ time & weather changes everything

04-04-2008, 03:10 PM	#13
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,715	Hey Cuz !!! Snuffy be careful when you go to those stores, when you think of this, it might trigger the Big Urge...Good Luck...A.H

04-04-2008, 03:17 PM	#14
Cyrano Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: New York Posts: 2,359	That's a good story, AH. Excellent visual imagery. I think everyone, except tight-asses like my wife who is convinced she never farts, has been there at one time or another. If you can clean it up, you ought to send it to Readers Digest for "Life in America." It's too good not to share! I think I'm going to copy it, crediting you, and send it to the local drivetime show morning zoo.

04-04-2008, 03:18 PM	#15
ezearln Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 3,175	Gawd A.H. where'd you manage to swipe my wider makers chili recipe (I might add complete with flatulence enhancing ingredients?) ???? Dang __________________ "You can have my Freedom when I'm done with it!"

04-04-2008, 03:33 PM	#16
MrsS Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Originally from the 26th state of the union; now living in the 16th. Posts: 1,422	Loved It! __________________ Gun Control...is the ability to hit your target.

04-04-2008, 04:56 PM	#17
TXplt Lost in the Ozone Again Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Fort Worth, TX Posts: 2,835 Images: 4 Blog Entries: 2	LOL !!!!!! Nice, A. H. Especially for someone who loves Tabasco and Jalapenos. __________________ Old fighter pilots never die.....They just wind up in Texas

04-04-2008, 07:02 PM	#18
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,715	I wish I could take credit for writeing the story but I didn't !!! LOL I got it off the net ! Though I can write funny storys, someone else wrote this one. 1 also cleaned it up some a few minutes ago...A.H

04-04-2008, 07:30 PM	#19
smokey Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: NC Posts: 101	LOL thats the bestun that I read in a loooong time

04-04-2008, 08:17 PM	#20
rondog Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Parker, CO Posts: 1,337	Oh, you wanna read funny, read this one! A gross true story - The Humor Archives - funny jokes, pictures, cartoons and movies And, I should give out a bad language alert on this.... __________________ What she doesn't know about, doesn't piss her off..... Last edited by rondog; 04-05-2008 at 12:16 AM.