Disorder in the American Courts

cremley · 05-09-2008, 01:24 PM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty- eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about i t until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_ _______ ______________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATT ORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Capt'n Mil Coll · 05-09-2008, 02:40 PM

Were you alive when you posted this? That last one was great.

LefthandShooter · 05-09-2008, 02:59 PM

Gee. Where was you when your child was conceived?

Windwalker · 05-09-2008, 03:02 PM

Lol, never underestimate the power of stupidity.

Cyrano · 05-09-2008, 04:13 PM

For this kind of questioning lawyers go to law school for 3 years? Sounds like some of them would learn more on the standup comedy circuit!

jmp8927 · 05-10-2008, 05:09 PM

LOL very nice! Thanks!

7mmremmag1995 · 05-10-2008, 05:40 PM

lmao

Momoney567 · 05-10-2008, 07:28 PM

HAHAHAHHAHAHA!

andrew cochran · 05-11-2008, 11:42 AM

Stupid but funny! LOL

bigbuddy21 · 05-11-2008, 04:02 PM

LMAO #2 thats my birthday

05-09-2008, 01:24 PM	#1
cremley Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Southern New Mexico Posts: 973	Disorder in the American Courts These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty- eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about i t until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. _ _______ ______________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ____________________________________________ And the best for last ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATT ORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. __________________ There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who have guns and those who dig. You dig.

05-09-2008, 02:59 PM	#3
LefthandShooter Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: In A House in NE Ohio! Posts: 1,479	Gee. Where was you when your child was conceived? __________________ A dead bird is still a dead bird.

05-09-2008, 03:02 PM	#4
Windwalker Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 3,596	Lol, never underestimate the power of stupidity. __________________ America: Love it and protect it or leave it

05-10-2008, 05:09 PM	#6
jmp8927 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Walterboro, SC Posts: 1,146 Images: 17	LOL very nice! Thanks! __________________ Doing the unexpected makes the unexpected the expected and thus the expected becomes the unexpected.

05-10-2008, 05:40 PM	#7
7mmremmag1995 Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Kentucky Posts: 1,270 Images: 1 Blog Entries: 1	lmao __________________ Just LeDoux it

05-09-2008, 02:40 PM	#2
Capt'n Mil Coll Military Rifle Collector Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Right behind you. -NRA Member- Posts: 2,308 Images: 15	Were you alive when you posted this? That last one was great. __________________ Let's light this fuse and see what happens!

05-09-2008, 04:13 PM	#5
Cyrano Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: New York Posts: 2,362	For this kind of questioning lawyers go to law school for 3 years? Sounds like some of them would learn more on the standup comedy circuit!

05-10-2008, 07:28 PM	#8
Momoney567 Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Southern tube Louisiana Posts: 208	HAHAHAHHAHAHA! __________________ Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never found automatic weapons.

05-11-2008, 11:42 AM	#9
andrew cochran Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Little town in ARKANSAW! Posts: 2,161	Stupid but funny! LOL __________________ If you don't have anything good to say... Don't say it!

05-11-2008, 04:02 PM	#10
bigbuddy21 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: new albany in. Posts: 976 Images: 5	LMAO #2 thats my birthday __________________ LAND OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!