more jokes
Posted 04-15-2008 at 04:24 AM by irish murphy
[IMG]http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/upfromaustralia_1984_4011187[/IMG]
[FONT=arial, helvetica][SIZE=2]An American tourist pulls over the Hertz car in the middle of nowhere for a pee. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. “Pull yourself off”, he orders.
“What?”
“Masturbate. Right now!”
Nervously, the tourist obliges.
“Now, do it again”.
“I can’t do it again”
“DO it again!”
So the tourist masturbates for a second time.
“Okay, once more”
“I couldn’t do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.”
“No, that’s fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.”
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=arial, helvetica][SIZE=2]An American tourist pulls over the Hertz car in the middle of nowhere for a pee. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. “Pull yourself off”, he orders.
“What?”
“Masturbate. Right now!”
Nervously, the tourist obliges.
“Now, do it again”.
“I can’t do it again”
“DO it again!”
So the tourist masturbates for a second time.
“Okay, once more”
“I couldn’t do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.”
“No, that’s fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.”
[/SIZE][/FONT]
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[IMG]http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/upfromaustralia_1984_13212241[/IMG]
[FONT=arial, helvetica][SIZE=2]The cops raided a brothel in Kings Cross. In one of the booths they found an Asian bloke bonking like crazy. “What’s your name?”
“My name is Ting”
In the next room they found another Asian bloke sitting quietly in a shabby armchair. “And what’s your name?”
“My name is Ting”
“Oh yeah”, said the sergeant suspiciously. “How come we’ve just arrested Ting in the room next door?”
“He is Ru Ting. I am Wah Ting”.
[B]Rooting = aussie slang for act of intercourse[/B][/SIZE][/FONT]Posted 04-15-2008 at 04:29 AM by irish murphy
- [IMG]http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/upfromaustralia_1984_27661360[/IMG]
[FONT=arial, helvetica][SIZE=2]An Irishman arrived in Australia and went into a pub in the Outback where he asked for a glass and, having pissed into it, drank it. He then walked out the door, into the chook house and proceeded to knock the hens off their perches prior to going to the paddock, where he lifted the tail of a cow and put his ear to its anus. When he returned to the bar a few minutes later, the publican asked him to explain his strange conduct.
“Before I left Dublin,” he said, “I met an Aussie who said there are 3 things I had to do to be a real Australian. Drink the piss. Knock off the birds. And listen to the bullshit.”
[/SIZE][/FONT]Posted 04-15-2008 at 04:31 AM by irish murphy - [IMG]http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/upfromaustralia_1984_2924102[/IMG]
[FONT=arial, helvetica][SIZE=2]A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him. It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook. At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.
The motorist said, “You probably won’t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way.”
The farmer was nonchalant in response. “Yep, we breed them here.”
“But why?” asked the motorist.
“Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg.”
“And what do they taste like?”
“Dunno”, replied the farmer, “no one can catch the little bastards.”[/SIZE][/FONT]Posted 04-15-2008 at 04:32 AM by irish murphy - [IMG]http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/upfromaustralia_1984_20565443[/IMG]
[FONT=arial, helvetica][SIZE=2]These 2 rabbit trappers had been around the traps and were busy gutting the rabbits, of which there were hundreds. One of the trappers announced that he had to go into the bush to excrete. His mate said, “All right”, and continued to gut, flinging the rabbits’ entrails well out of the way so as to keep the work area comparatively clean.
One set of entrails landed directly under the rabbiter as he answered the call of nature. He was gone a bit longer than usual and when he came out of the bush his face was deathly pale and he was barely able to walk. His mate said, “Strike me pink, sport, what’s wrong?”
“You wouldn’t believe it,” said the sick and sorry rabbiter, “but I strained so hard that I passed some of my guts on the ground.”
“Strewth”, said his mate, “we’ll have to get you to a doctor.”
“No, I’ll be all right soon”, said the reeling rabbiter. “With the help of God and a little stick I got ‘em all back in again.”[/SIZE][/FONT]Posted 04-15-2008 at 04:35 AM by irish murphy - [IMG]http://us.st1.yimg.com/store1.yimg.com/Img/trans_1x1.gif[/IMG]
[IMG]http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/upfromaustralia_1984_2666719[/IMG]
[FONT=arial, helvetica][SIZE=2]A man in Canberra decides the way to make a fortune is to open a ten-pin bowling alley. He builds the ultimate bowling alley with 20 lanes, 2 restaurants and various bars. On the afternoon before the official opening he is standing around admiring his creation when he realises he’s forgotten to order bowling balls. He rings the manufacturer in Sydney and orders 1000 balls. The supplier advises that he has them in stock and all he has to do is drill and polish them and then he can air-freight them to Canberra. The bowling alley proprietor says this will cost too much in freight and asks that they be sent by road in a 22 wheeler semi trailer.
The supplier works into the night and the balls are loaded and despatched. Travelling at great speed and in the middle of nowhere the truck driver sees 2 blokes standing on the side of the road. He stops to offer assistance and the 2 guys, who he sees are Aborigines, say that their bike has broken down on the way to Canberra and they are stranded. He offers them a lift but says they must travel in the back because company policy prevents passengers in the cabin. They climb in with their bike and he speeds off.
Shortly after he’s pulled up by the police. One policeman says to his mate, “You book him while I check his load.” He opens the back but quickly slams and locks the door. And he runs to his mate and says, “Forget booking him. Let’s just get him across the border and out of New South Wales.” Despite his mates’ protests, they head off at great speed to the Canberra border, escorting the truck. At the border they stop and the truck hurtles on.
The policeman then says to his mate, “Will you tell me why I couldn’t book him and we had to escort him here?”
He replies, “When I opened the back I could see it was full of Abo eggs. We had to get them out of the state because 2 has already hatched and one of them had stolen a bike!”[/SIZE][/FONT]Posted 04-15-2008 at 04:37 AM by irish murphy - [IMG]http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/upfromaustralia_1984_31310959[/IMG]
[FONT=arial, helvetica][SIZE=2]Bill, a blacktracker, never got along with his constable. He resented being called Abo, blackie or nigger. One day, while they were tracking a couple of drunks who’d escaped from the local lock-up, Bill spotted the legendary yellow-belly goanna.
Legendary, because traditional belief holds that whoever catches this rare creature is granted three wishes. At the same time, twice as much of the same wish is granted to whomever you hate the most.
So Bill caught the goanna and, twirling it round by the tail, wished aloud, “I want a big house.” Lo and behold, a big house appeared from nowhere along with two big houses for the constable.
“Shit!” said the constable. “Girls, Billy, girls! Wish for some [B]sheilas[/B]!”
“Okay, okay”, said Bill. “I want a hundred beautiful girls”. Instantly, 100 pulchritudinous women appeared by Bill’s house and 200 beside the constable’s houses. Just as the constable was about to go rushing in the front door with some of his girls, Bill gave the goanna another twirl and whispered his third wish.
“I want my sex urge reduced by 50 per cent”
[/SIZE][/FONT]Posted 04-15-2008 at 04:38 AM by irish murphy -
The black banded crate snake
In india there is a legend that he who finds a black banded crate snake and grabs it by the end of the tail,then takes his other hand and wraps it around and slides it up to the snakes head will be rewarded with a pot of gold.
Punjabi walks back into his village after dark a little worse for wear.His friend mooji asks what is wrong with you punjabi.Punjabi sits down and tells of his ordeal.He was creeping through the jungle trying to catch his chicken that had escaped,when he saw a black banded crate snake lying on the ground near a big bush.Punjabi got real excited and grabbed the snakes tail,now mooji was getting excited too.What did you do next.Well i grabbed its tail,then slid my other hand all the way up to its head.OOOHHHH what did you see next punjabi?was it a pot of gold.NO punjabi says,i saw a tigers arse.Posted 04-15-2008 at 04:50 AM by irish murphy
