Gun and Game Forums - Humor Forum

Ouch!!!!!

Robertm — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:49:22 GMT

Tree Hugger Problems

A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl
that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to
the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she
hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a Doctor. She told him she was an
environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get
all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and
then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could
help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The
angry woman demanded, What took you so long?

He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational
area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down.

This doesn't apply to you young fellers, YET

Robertm — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:39:14 GMT

Here's a little poem for you.

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!

=

stretching a lizard

petrol — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 07:18:56 GMT

it's not really firearm news and it's only humorous because the guy is such a duma$$.:twak:
Customs agents foil suspected reptile smuggler at LAX | L.A. NOW | Los Angeles Times

Macho Skeet!

Ninja Piper — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:32:37 GMT

You Tube

Where can you find a course like this? I want to be a member!

Redneck limo

gunnut2u — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:25:17 GMT

Redneck Limo

Redneck drinking age

gunnut2u — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:24:10 GMT

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ???
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools

..

gunnut2u — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:18:29 GMT

the ranch hand

tommy — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:09:35 GMT

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For everybody here today. lol

ArkansasHunter — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:22:06 GMT

Turn up your speakers and boogy !!!!!

You Tube

GI Joe spoof "Dr. Fumbles"

thrillbilly — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:27:53 GMT

*warning* some cartoon violence and bleeped out cuss words!:)

Adult Swim Video : Robot Chicken : Our Newest Member, Calvin

The funniest GI Joe spoof of all time I do believe!

Need your help mate

Stephen G Cohen — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:39:55 GMT

Hey mate really need your advice for a serious problem. I have suspected for some time that my wie is cheating on me. The usual signs, phone rings I answer and the caller hang up, Going out with the girls a lot, I have tried to stay awake to see who she comes home with but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the Harly when she come home she got out of some ones car and was buttoning up her blouse and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the Harly I saw it. A hairline crack in the air cleaner bracket. Is that something I can weld or do you think I should replace it.

How to speak "Yankee"

thrillbilly — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:32:00 GMT

Your Abbreviated Guide to Proper YankeeTalk

And they say we talk funny?!

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this guide may help you understand what they are sayin', (but I doubt it). Pahty: A place to go to drink and socialize - nothing to do with Mother Nature.
ah: The letter between "q" & "s."
ahnt: Sistah of your fathah or muthah.
bah: Serves beah and hahd likkah: "The train to Noo Yok has a bah cah."
bay ah: Ferocious brown or black animal.
beah: Malt beverage.
bahn: As in: "What yeah were you bahn in?"
bzah: Strange, odd.
Chahlz: The rivah.
chowdah: Clams, milk, buttah.
cahn: Stahchy veggie that comes on a cob.
connah: Where streets intersect.
fah: Not neah heah
fahk: What you eat pahster with.
fiah: Blaze
Gahden: What they closed last yeah (also a place to plant flowahs.)
hahbah: What they dumped tea into in 1773.
Hahvid: Preppy college across the rivah.
hahf-ahst: Done without regahd to detail.
heah: Done with the eahs. "Listen my children, and you shall heah of the midnight ride of Paul Reveah."
khakis: What you staht the cah with and keep on yawh key chain.
nawtheastah: Stahm that blows in from the wottah.
Noo Yok: Sinkhole 240 miles south of Tremont Street.
owah: Sixty minutes.
pahk: Cahn't do it in Hahvad Yahd. Not downtown, eithah.
pahster: spaghetti, ziti, etc.
pastah: The rectah of a parish, like St. Mahgrits.
pichahs: They throw fastballs at Fenway.
Rawjah: He *used to* throw the fastest fastballs at Fenway.....
Reveah: He rode through Ahlington on a hoss shouting, "To Ahms!"
shuah: Of course
shot: Not tall.
wof: A peeah, jutting into the hahbah.
wottah: H2O
yeah: A 365 day period.

You might be a Yankee if...

thrillbilly — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:30:07 GMT

You Might be a Yankee If...

1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.

4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5) You don't know what a moon pie is.

6) You've never had grain alcohol.

7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.

8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on
road trips.

10) You have no idea what a polecat is.

11) Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes
over your head.

12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

13) You don't have bangs.

14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the
same prep school in Connecticut.

16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.

17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you
guys," even if both of them are women.

18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife
show.

20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

21) You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.

22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting
on An on*ramp on the highway.

23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman
Marcus.

25) You call binoculars opera glasses.

26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the
road and stopping.

27) You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.

28) You don't know what appliqued is.

29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within
the context of a football game.

30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob,
Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

32) You've never been to a craft show.

33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.

35) None of your fur coats are homemade.

Yankees in Texas

thrillbilly — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:25:54 GMT

1. Don�t order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.
2. Don�t laugh at folk�s names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, Mari Beth, Marva, Edna Earl and Inez have been known to whip a man�s a** for less than that.
3. Don�t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it�s called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi, Sprite or Dr. Pepper. Got it?
4. Southern women don�t fancy the smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have Big brothers and Bigger daddies.
5. Don�t show allegiances to any other school football team but the Longhorns. All the others are a bunch of candy a**es who play Wyoming every other week.
6. Don�t call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot! We just talk that way to piss you off.
7. Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit your bitching, spend your money and go home.
8. No, the state symbol of Texas is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is ticking us off too.
9. Don�t go to the Cracker Barrel and substitute toast for the biscuits. If you do this, everyone will know that you�re from Nebraska. Just eat the biscuits like GOD meant for you to do. And do not order poached eggs. No one from the south eats eggs poached.
10. Don�t try to talk with a southern accent if you don�t have one or use regional idioms you can�t possibly understand. Nothing makes us madder.
11. Don�t be telling everybody how much better it was back home. We�re not going to change to make you happy. So if you don�t like it here, Delta is ready when you are.
12. Our food isn�t overcooked; yours is undercooked.
13. Down here, �Kiss my a**� is a perfectly acceptable way to close an argument. You can�t get more closure than that!
14. Flirting is a southern tradition. It doesn�t mean you�re going home with someone later. It doesn�t mean the person flirting with you is even interested. It�s all just practice.
15. Take your hat off when you say the words �Tom Landry�.

Yankees goin' South

thrillbilly — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:19:55 GMT

Northerners Moving South

If you are planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles: The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses. The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names. The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races. The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat. The South has grits.
The North has green salads. The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt. The South has the Bible Belt.
AND
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all yawl's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You isn't from round here, are yaw?" You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killing" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.