Summer in Kansas City

[Oxford]

Dear Friends,

May 30th:
Just moved to Kansas City. Now this is a city that knows how to live.
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched
the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally
found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and
rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used
to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used
to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body).
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen
up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and
shits.
I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot
as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman
charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in **** house
payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes
the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid city.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise *** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
strangle him. **** heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling
over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my *** was on fire. I lost two layers
of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ***. Now my car smells
like burnt hair, fried ***, and baked cat.

Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a **** recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do **** for two ****
months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't
it ever rain in this **** city? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth
of cactus just might dry up and blow into the **** pool. Even the cactus
can't live in this **** heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the **** windshield out of the car. The installer came to
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500
house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking Kansas City. What kind of a
sick demented idiot would want to live here?