Howard Dean Names Mike Tyson Chief Image Consultant,

Doglips · 01-26-2004, 05:37 AM

Howard Dean Names Mike Tyson Chief Image Consultant, Devours Dennis Kucinich
1/26/2004 - Dirk McQuickly

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DES MOINES – Howard Dean wasted no time picking up the pieces after Monday Iowa law enforcement could not decide whether or not charges could be pressed in the matter, and evidence was mounting which indicated that even Kucinich’s most ardent evening’s embarrassing performance in the Iowa Democratic Caucus, revealing that heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson has been named his chief image consultant for the remainder of the campaign.. The stunning announcement comes on the heels of a strong showing by Senators John Kerry and the subsequent devouring of Dennis Kucinich in preparation for the upcoming New Hampshire debates on January 22nd..

“Mike Tyson is a proven champion,” said Dean in a late press release. “We are confident that by adding this component to our drive for the White House, we can register a technical knock-out come November.”

Dean, who cheered his supporters Monday evening following a third-place showing in Iowa, showed early results from Tyson’s mentoring by seeking out and eating alive Rep. Dennis Kucinich, who happened to be in town promoting his campaign for MTV.

“Mr.Kucinich was returning to his hotel at the Sheraton Des Moines, when he encountered Mr. Dean near an ice machine,” according to one witness who asked to remain unidentified. “What followed was so horrifying; I am barely able to continue without vomiting my entire being into my lap.”

According to the witness, Dean appeared flush and excited when Kucinich extended his hand in greeting. He then proceeded to disembowel, de-bone, and consume Mr. Kucinich at a lightning pace, and using only his teeth.

“It looked like something out of the Roman Coliseum,” the witness added. “It became clear pretty fast that Dennis Kucinich was no longer in the running for the Presidency.”

Tyson, whose own history of biting, scratching, and behaving poorly has garnered him tens of millions of dollars in boxing purses, denied advising his client to eat his opponent, and advised the press to understand “the emotion of the moment.”

“Here’s a guy who just got his [expletive] handed to him,” explained Tyson, “and already it’s ‘blame Tyson’ because the [expletive] dude ingested some guy. I [haven’t] got anything to do but make sure that Howard Dean [has] the necessary tools to be the last man standing in the ring. I don’t know what [expletive] thing was said around that ice machine – do you?”

Democratic pollsters are reporting a nearly five point jump in Dean’s standing on word of the incident, fuelling rumors that its “no more Mr. Nice Guy” for the former governor from Vermont.

“Look out ‘Mr. Comeback Kerry’”, warned one Dean campaigner. “And, Joe Lieberman – you’re nothing but skin and bones!”

“Clearly, he is the best man to sort out a delicate foreign policy and make the decisions that will affect the course of this nation,” said another Dean supporter. “He has the heart, the guts, the bladder, the central nervous system –“

supporters were less-than-devastated by the news.

“Who?” said Kucinich assistant campaign manager Marigold Dawson when informed her candidate had been cannibalized. “Oh, don’t worry about it.”

01-26-2004, 05:37 AM	#1
Doglips Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Cocoa Florida Posts: 9,089	Howard Dean Names Mike Tyson Chief Image Consultant, Howard Dean Names Mike Tyson Chief Image Consultant, Devours Dennis Kucinich 1/26/2004 - Dirk McQuickly -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DES MOINES – Howard Dean wasted no time picking up the pieces after Monday Iowa law enforcement could not decide whether or not charges could be pressed in the matter, and evidence was mounting which indicated that even Kucinich’s most ardent evening’s embarrassing performance in the Iowa Democratic Caucus, revealing that heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson has been named his chief image consultant for the remainder of the campaign.. The stunning announcement comes on the heels of a strong showing by Senators John Kerry and the subsequent devouring of Dennis Kucinich in preparation for the upcoming New Hampshire debates on January 22nd.. “Mike Tyson is a proven champion,” said Dean in a late press release. “We are confident that by adding this component to our drive for the White House, we can register a technical knock-out come November.” Dean, who cheered his supporters Monday evening following a third-place showing in Iowa, showed early results from Tyson’s mentoring by seeking out and eating alive Rep. Dennis Kucinich, who happened to be in town promoting his campaign for MTV. “Mr.Kucinich was returning to his hotel at the Sheraton Des Moines, when he encountered Mr. Dean near an ice machine,” according to one witness who asked to remain unidentified. “What followed was so horrifying; I am barely able to continue without vomiting my entire being into my lap.” According to the witness, Dean appeared flush and excited when Kucinich extended his hand in greeting. He then proceeded to disembowel, de-bone, and consume Mr. Kucinich at a lightning pace, and using only his teeth. “It looked like something out of the Roman Coliseum,” the witness added. “It became clear pretty fast that Dennis Kucinich was no longer in the running for the Presidency.” Tyson, whose own history of biting, scratching, and behaving poorly has garnered him tens of millions of dollars in boxing purses, denied advising his client to eat his opponent, and advised the press to understand “the emotion of the moment.” “Here’s a guy who just got his [expletive] handed to him,” explained Tyson, “and already it’s ‘blame Tyson’ because the [expletive] dude ingested some guy. I [haven’t] got anything to do but make sure that Howard Dean [has] the necessary tools to be the last man standing in the ring. I don’t know what [expletive] thing was said around that ice machine – do you?” Democratic pollsters are reporting a nearly five point jump in Dean’s standing on word of the incident, fuelling rumors that its “no more Mr. Nice Guy” for the former governor from Vermont. “Look out ‘Mr. Comeback Kerry’”, warned one Dean campaigner. “And, Joe Lieberman – you’re nothing but skin and bones!” “Clearly, he is the best man to sort out a delicate foreign policy and make the decisions that will affect the course of this nation,” said another Dean supporter. “He has the heart, the guts, the bladder, the central nervous system –“ supporters were less-than-devastated by the news. “Who?” said Kucinich assistant campaign manager Marigold Dawson when informed her candidate had been cannibalized. “Oh, don’t worry about it.”