Wal-mart Superstores To Offer Discount Outpatient Surgery

Doglips · 03-01-2004, 12:39 PM

WAL-MART SUPERSTORES TO OFFER DISCOUNT OUTPATIENT SURGERY
BENTONVILLE, AR – Already the nation’s largest purveyor of groceries, pharmaceuticals, household goods and eye care, among other things, a Wal-Mart spokesman today
A new sign advertises discount
outpatient surgery at Wal-Mart

announced that Wal-Mart will offer outpatient surgery to millions of shoppers at the company’s more than one thousand superstores across America.

“We have done extensive market research,” the enthusiastic spokesman told reporters, “and we believe consumers will jump at the chance to have a wide range of outpatient surgeries while, at the same time, having their film developed and getting their oil changed, all at lowest prices, guaranteed.”

Analysts who track the company agreed. “Instead of sitting in boring hospital waiting rooms while a loved one has surgery,” a Charles Schwab analyst explained, “anxious family members will be able to shop for just about anything they could ever want while they wait. Yard gnomes, NASCAR T-shirts and thousands of other trinkets should literally fly off the shelves.”

“The cross-selling opportunities are immense,” agreed a Merrill Lynch analyst still wearing his work-release anklet. “With pharmacies right in all its stores, Wal-Mart’s sales of antibiotics and painkillers should skyrocket given the expected after-effec
ts of discount surgery. God knows what kinds of germs people will track back into the recovery room.”

“In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Wal-Mart entered the coffin market,” he added, noting that the AMA recently forecast a significant drop in the life expectancy of average Americans once Wal-Mart opens its doors for surgery. “Then that little, yellow discount smiley face guy will be ‘rolling back the prices’ on cheap pine boxes.”

Undaunted by AMA naysayers, Wal-Mart has smuggled thousands of doctors from top Caribbean and Latin American medical schools into America to staff its in-store surgery centers. “Aside from our greeters, its not like any of our employees speak English as it is,” the Wal-Mart spokesman explained in response to
Wal-Mart ‘greeters’ will
tell discount doctors what
surgery is to be performed

questions about the company’s hiring practices.

“There really is nothing to worry about safety-wise,” he continued. “Our ‘greeters’ will diagnose patients and fill out patient intake forms. These forms have side-by-side English and Spanish translations for each medical procedure, with little boxes next to each procedure where the greeter can put a ‘check mark’ to tell the doctors what needs to be done.”

“Here’s an example,” he said, holding up a standard Wal-Mart patient intake form. “This is the form for one guy who came in with a cut on his arm. And, let’s see, for this guy the greeter checked ‘colonoscopy.’ Well, maybe that’s a bad example, although you can’t fault Wal-Mart for being thorough. But anyway, it doesn’t matter. The process is simple and foolproof.”

“With our company’s long-standing practice of hiring very intelligent, energetic greeters, there’s almost no chance of a mistake.”

03-01-2004, 12:39 PM	#1
Doglips Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Cocoa Florida Posts: 9,090 Trader Rating: (0)	Wal-mart Superstores To Offer Discount Outpatient Surgery WAL-MART SUPERSTORES TO OFFER DISCOUNT OUTPATIENT SURGERY BENTONVILLE, AR – Already the nation’s largest purveyor of groceries, pharmaceuticals, household goods and eye care, among other things, a Wal-Mart spokesman today A new sign advertises discount outpatient surgery at Wal-Mart announced that Wal-Mart will offer outpatient surgery to millions of shoppers at the company’s more than one thousand superstores across America. “We have done extensive market research,” the enthusiastic spokesman told reporters, “and we believe consumers will jump at the chance to have a wide range of outpatient surgeries while, at the same time, having their film developed and getting their oil changed, all at lowest prices, guaranteed.” Analysts who track the company agreed. “Instead of sitting in boring hospital waiting rooms while a loved one has surgery,” a Charles Schwab analyst explained, “anxious family members will be able to shop for just about anything they could ever want while they wait. Yard gnomes, NASCAR T-shirts and thousands of other trinkets should literally fly off the shelves.” “The cross-selling opportunities are immense,” agreed a Merrill Lynch analyst still wearing his work-release anklet. “With pharmacies right in all its stores, Wal-Mart’s sales of antibiotics and painkillers should skyrocket given the expected after-effec ts of discount surgery. God knows what kinds of germs people will track back into the recovery room.” “In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Wal-Mart entered the coffin market,” he added, noting that the AMA recently forecast a significant drop in the life expectancy of average Americans once Wal-Mart opens its doors for surgery. “Then that little, yellow discount smiley face guy will be ‘rolling back the prices’ on cheap pine boxes.” Undaunted by AMA naysayers, Wal-Mart has smuggled thousands of doctors from top Caribbean and Latin American medical schools into America to staff its in-store surgery centers. “Aside from our greeters, its not like any of our employees speak English as it is,” the Wal-Mart spokesman explained in response to Wal-Mart ‘greeters’ will tell discount doctors what surgery is to be performed questions about the company’s hiring practices. “There really is nothing to worry about safety-wise,” he continued. “Our ‘greeters’ will diagnose patients and fill out patient intake forms. These forms have side-by-side English and Spanish translations for each medical procedure, with little boxes next to each procedure where the greeter can put a ‘check mark’ to tell the doctors what needs to be done.” “Here’s an example,” he said, holding up a standard Wal-Mart patient intake form. “This is the form for one guy who came in with a cut on his arm. And, let’s see, for this guy the greeter checked ‘colonoscopy.’ Well, maybe that’s a bad example, although you can’t fault Wal-Mart for being thorough. But anyway, it doesn’t matter. The process is simple and foolproof.” “With our company’s long-standing practice of hiring very intelligent, energetic greeters, there’s almost no chance of a mistake.”