Our Goal Is To Give You the Best Possible Bank-Robbing Experience

Doglips · 08-08-2004, 12:41 PM

Our Goal Is To Give You the Best Possible Bank-Robbing Experience

By the Black Shoe Gang

Excuse me, everyone. We don't mean to disturb you, but if it isn't too much trouble, please raise your hands in the air. (Or, as we old-timers used to say, "stick 'em up." Heh, heh.) As you can see, we are all armed, so I urge you to comply with our instructions at your earliest convenience.

Thank you for your cooperation. Now, all customers please move back against the wall. For those among you who are not native English speakers, hablamos español. Todos ustedes, arrimense a la pared. Gracias. Now, all you tellers - excuse me, I mean bank associates - please back away from the counter and raise your hands where we can see them. This will allow us to serve you better. Thank you very much.

Allow us to introduce ourselves. We are the Black Shoe Gang, and as you have probably surmised, we are conducting a bank robbery. Esto es un robo. If you've encountered bank robbers before, you may be under the impression that we're here for the money. That's true of most bank robbers, but we're a completely different kind of gang. We're here for you, the customer. Our goal is to give you the best possible bank-robbing experience.

Let's start with our mission statement: the mission of the Black Shoe Gang is to provide leadership in the bank-robbing industry through dedication to customer service and commitment to the highest standards of excellence. Notice that our mission statement doesn't contain the words "money" or "profit," because that's not what we're all about. We're all about you.

Now, Marla here is going to pass around a backpack, and we ask all of you to kindly place your wallets in it. Yes, that's right: we don't just rob the bank; we rob the customers. This is an additional service we provide at no extra charge. Once you place your wallets in the bag, we will be able to move forward with the bank-robbing process. Or, as we prefer to call it, 'the improvised redistribution of financial institution assets.'

We prefer to call it 'the improvised redistribution of financial institution assets.'

Ma'am, if you could please make every effort to silence the cries of your infant, that would be much appreciated. Yes, of course you may breast-feed him. We pride ourselves on being a family-oriented gang. While you do that, Bobby here will point his nine millimeter at you, for your own protection.

If anyone is not completely satisfied with his or her bank-robbing experience so far, please let us know and we will do everything we can to accommodate your needs. Please, speak freely! No one is unsatisfied? Wonderful!

Now, bank employees, please fill this duffel bag with the cash from the drawers. Jack here will supervise this process to help ensure quality. We know that you keep the marked bills in the drawer on the left, so please be sure not to include those. Thank you.

Ma'am, please back away from the alarm button. Excuse me, ma'am!

Oh, dear.

Folks, we apologize for any inconvenience caused to you when Jack shot that young woman in the head. Or, rather, when he used his customer cooperation device to prevent any reduction in quality.

Please excuse the large amounts of blood and brain matter that have now stained the walls and floor of the bank, as well as some of your clothing. We try as much as possible to avoid circumstances such as these, because we find that they detract greatly from the customers' experience. In the future, please refrain from any actions that undermine our ability to serve you.

Now, due to this unfortunate incident, we will have to leave without entering the vault. We know that this may prevent you from having a full, satisfying bank-robbing experience. In this case, however, we are concerned that someone may have heard the gunshots, and the police may be on their way. Being arrested could make it more difficult for us to provide you with our high-quality service in the future.

Before we go, however, we ask you to please take a moment to fill out this customer survey. It asks questions such as: did the bank robbery proceed quickly and efficiently? How did this compare to other bank robberies you may have experienced? If we were to rob this bank again, how could we do better the next time? Please rate our overall performance on a scale of 1 to 10. Thank you. Marla will collect your completed surveys. In the past, we have received a perfect rating of 10, every single time! We're very proud of our proven record of outstanding service.

Thank you, and please remember the Black Shoe Gang for your future bank-robbing needs.

SilverRun · 08-08-2004, 05:57 PM

Man, you got a little too much free time - want to come help with my honey-do list?

08-08-2004, 12:41 PM	#1
Doglips Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Cocoa Florida Posts: 9,088	Our Goal Is To Give You the Best Possible Bank-Robbing Experience Our Goal Is To Give You the Best Possible Bank-Robbing Experience By the Black Shoe Gang Excuse me, everyone. We don't mean to disturb you, but if it isn't too much trouble, please raise your hands in the air. (Or, as we old-timers used to say, "stick 'em up." Heh, heh.) As you can see, we are all armed, so I urge you to comply with our instructions at your earliest convenience. Thank you for your cooperation. Now, all customers please move back against the wall. For those among you who are not native English speakers, hablamos español. Todos ustedes, arrimense a la pared. Gracias. Now, all you tellers - excuse me, I mean bank associates - please back away from the counter and raise your hands where we can see them. This will allow us to serve you better. Thank you very much. Allow us to introduce ourselves. We are the Black Shoe Gang, and as you have probably surmised, we are conducting a bank robbery. Esto es un robo. If you've encountered bank robbers before, you may be under the impression that we're here for the money. That's true of most bank robbers, but we're a completely different kind of gang. We're here for you, the customer. Our goal is to give you the best possible bank-robbing experience. Let's start with our mission statement: the mission of the Black Shoe Gang is to provide leadership in the bank-robbing industry through dedication to customer service and commitment to the highest standards of excellence. Notice that our mission statement doesn't contain the words "money" or "profit," because that's not what we're all about. We're all about you. Now, Marla here is going to pass around a backpack, and we ask all of you to kindly place your wallets in it. Yes, that's right: we don't just rob the bank; we rob the customers. This is an additional service we provide at no extra charge. Once you place your wallets in the bag, we will be able to move forward with the bank-robbing process. Or, as we prefer to call it, 'the improvised redistribution of financial institution assets.' We prefer to call it 'the improvised redistribution of financial institution assets.' Ma'am, if you could please make every effort to silence the cries of your infant, that would be much appreciated. Yes, of course you may breast-feed him. We pride ourselves on being a family-oriented gang. While you do that, Bobby here will point his nine millimeter at you, for your own protection. If anyone is not completely satisfied with his or her bank-robbing experience so far, please let us know and we will do everything we can to accommodate your needs. Please, speak freely! No one is unsatisfied? Wonderful! Now, bank employees, please fill this duffel bag with the cash from the drawers. Jack here will supervise this process to help ensure quality. We know that you keep the marked bills in the drawer on the left, so please be sure not to include those. Thank you. Ma'am, please back away from the alarm button. Excuse me, ma'am! Oh, dear. Folks, we apologize for any inconvenience caused to you when Jack shot that young woman in the head. Or, rather, when he used his customer cooperation device to prevent any reduction in quality. Please excuse the large amounts of blood and brain matter that have now stained the walls and floor of the bank, as well as some of your clothing. We try as much as possible to avoid circumstances such as these, because we find that they detract greatly from the customers' experience. In the future, please refrain from any actions that undermine our ability to serve you. Now, due to this unfortunate incident, we will have to leave without entering the vault. We know that this may prevent you from having a full, satisfying bank-robbing experience. In this case, however, we are concerned that someone may have heard the gunshots, and the police may be on their way. Being arrested could make it more difficult for us to provide you with our high-quality service in the future. Before we go, however, we ask you to please take a moment to fill out this customer survey. It asks questions such as: did the bank robbery proceed quickly and efficiently? How did this compare to other bank robberies you may have experienced? If we were to rob this bank again, how could we do better the next time? Please rate our overall performance on a scale of 1 to 10. Thank you. Marla will collect your completed surveys. In the past, we have received a perfect rating of 10, every single time! We're very proud of our proven record of outstanding service. Thank you, and please remember the Black Shoe Gang for your future bank-robbing needs.

08-08-2004, 05:57 PM	#2
SilverRun Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: AL Posts: 1,666	Man, you got a little too much free time - want to come help with my honey-do list?