The Truth About Jack Bauer

BattleRifleG3 · 11-03-2006, 11:19 PM

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef, then it's beef.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?
Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life. For terrorists, the shortest.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
Jack Bauer can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an alan key.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

freakingout · 11-04-2006, 12:01 AM

Hm...sounds just like the Chuck Norris things that were going around not long ago.

Troy · 11-04-2006, 01:04 AM

reminds me of me when i was young and much kinder.

Otter · 11-04-2006, 06:48 AM

Forgive my ignorance, who in he!! is Jach Bauer?

Big Dog · 11-04-2006, 12:50 PM

Jack Bauer rocks . . . only as long as Chuck Norris lets him.

ash · 11-04-2006, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BattleRifleG3

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

I think you meant.
If Jack Bauer wasn't gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Apollyon67 · 11-04-2006, 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Otter

Forgive my ignorance, who in he!! is Jach Bauer?

The main character of the TV series 24.

Big Dog · 11-05-2006, 04:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Otter

Forgive my ignorance, who in he!! is Jach Bauer?

Now you've done it . . . you're on Jack Bauer's list . . .

Oxford · 11-05-2006, 04:01 PM

...and you thought some of my posts were weird. I've never heard of Jack Bauer.

BattleRifleG3 · 11-06-2006, 04:27 PM

A thread like this is the only think Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris have in common. These statements are actually relevant to Jack Bauer's character on 24.

Isn't Chuck Norris anti-gun?

Jack Bauer will get you for calling him gay.

ash · 11-06-2006, 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BattleRifleG3

Jack Bauer will get you for calling him gay.

I'm sorry I didn't realize it was a secret.

Rookie_Rover · 11-06-2006, 05:47 PM

Good Shot Ash!!!!!!!

Big Dog · 11-07-2006, 05:07 AM

Jack Bauer's so tough, he can drive the breadth of Washington DC in rush hour traffic every episode. His cellphone NEVER drops calls, has full GPS capability, and can decypher any code and tap into any computer system.

Apollyon67 · 11-07-2006, 09:02 PM

Big Dog, Ash has a phone like that. Made it himself, out of banana peels and cigar butts, and he doesn't need a car to get across DC traffic.

Trey45 · 11-08-2006, 06:13 PM

Jack Bauer once shot down a German fighter plane by pointing his finger at it and saying BANG!

.22guy · 11-08-2006, 07:53 PM

There is no theory of evolution, only animals Jack Bauer has allowed to live.

wingman371 · 11-17-2006, 05:41 PM

HAA HHA HAA HOOO HOOO choke gasp sputter HAA HAA HOO

11-03-2006, 11:19 PM	#1
BattleRifleG3 Retired Moderator Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Western PA Posts: 11,721	The Truth About Jack Bauer If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer". If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef, then it's beef. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact. Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it. Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness. When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately. Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life? Every day is the longest day of Jack Bauer's life. For terrorists, the shortest. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars. Jack Bauer can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an alan key. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out. Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people. If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it. If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with. __________________ Trust is earned, not... GIVEN away. - Worf

11-04-2006, 06:48 AM	#4
Otter Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Vermont Posts: 992	Forgive my ignorance, who in he!! is Jach Bauer? __________________ Life is too important to be taken seriously.

11-05-2006, 04:01 PM	#9
Oxford Super Moderator Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Gladstone, Missouri Posts: 14,307 Blog Entries: 4	...and you thought some of my posts were weird. I've never heard of Jack Bauer. __________________ "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right". Last edited by Oxford; 11-05-2006 at 04:05 PM.

11-06-2006, 04:27 PM	#10
BattleRifleG3 Retired Moderator Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Western PA Posts: 11,721	A thread like this is the only think Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris have in common. These statements are actually relevant to Jack Bauer's character on 24. Isn't Chuck Norris anti-gun? Jack Bauer will get you for calling him gay. __________________ Trust is earned, not... GIVEN away. - Worf

11-06-2006, 05:47 PM	#12
Rookie_Rover Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: South Western Tennessee. Posts: 297	Good Shot Ash!!!!!!! __________________ Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself – Twain.

11-04-2006, 12:01 AM	#2
freakingout Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Opelousas, LA Posts: 119	Hm...sounds just like the Chuck Norris things that were going around not long ago.

11-04-2006, 01:04 AM	#3
Troy Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Manitoba Canada Posts: 2,501	reminds me of me when i was young and much kinder.

11-04-2006, 12:50 PM	#5
Big Dog Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Tallahassee, Florida Posts: 14,131	Jack Bauer rocks . . . only as long as Chuck Norris lets him. __________________ "A bold spirit embiggens the smallest man!" Jebediah Springfield

11-07-2006, 05:07 AM	#13
Big Dog Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Tallahassee, Florida Posts: 14,131	Jack Bauer's so tough, he can drive the breadth of Washington DC in rush hour traffic every episode. His cellphone NEVER drops calls, has full GPS capability, and can decypher any code and tap into any computer system. __________________ "A bold spirit embiggens the smallest man!" Jebediah Springfield

11-07-2006, 09:02 PM	#14
Apollyon67 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Southern Maryland Posts: 2,243	Big Dog, Ash has a phone like that. Made it himself, out of banana peels and cigar butts, and he doesn't need a car to get across DC traffic. __________________ "To err is human, to repent divine; to persist devilish." Ben Franklin

11-08-2006, 06:13 PM	#15
Trey45 Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 244	Jack Bauer once shot down a German fighter plane by pointing his finger at it and saying BANG! __________________ http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y24...eadfingers.jpg

11-08-2006, 07:53 PM	#16
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 5,433	There is no theory of evolution, only animals Jack Bauer has allowed to live.

11-17-2006, 05:41 PM	#17
wingman371 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Nashville, TN Currently of Balad Iraq Posts: 106	HAA HHA HAA HOOO HOOO choke gasp sputter HAA HAA HOO __________________ NEVER FORGET THOSE THAT DIED FOR THE CAUSE OF FREEDOM