Tatical Tuesday

[Kurtis]

Tactical Tuesday

It was a warm Tuesday evening with the windows open and a slight breeze coming through, when I heard the call of a tactical situation. It was a homeowner’s worst nightmare. The proverbial 'bump' in the night. Of course followed by the awe inspiring 'dead silent'.

Sweat broke out on my forehead. Could it be? Naw. 'BUMP'. There it was again! Quickly my mind raced from 1/4 engaged to about 3/8th engaged. I silently slipped out of bed, carefully stepping directly on the dogs squeaky toy, then preceded to follow up with the other foot on one of those knobby gum bones that have a distinct feel of porcupine.

Mixing tears and sweat, I made my way to the closet, otherwise known as 'I don't have anything to wear' area. An area that is more square footage than my shed, I might add.

I carefully turn on the 60 watt overhead light, to late, realizing that I had put a 500 watt in so that I could easily point out to my wife that there are indeed clothes to wear in the closet. As I rubbed the tears and sweat from my star bangle bannered eyes, I took stock of the situation.

I had to go tactical. First, slip into jet black BDUs, followed by Bates tactical boots. The boots with a zipper on the side so you can take them on and off real fast. Strange how I didn't notice zipping them up the first time that the sound was something short of a food processor with gravel in it.

Next was a big decision: tacvest. I had an assortment to choose from being the prepared individual I am. Read: 'paranoid' or 'prepared' depending on your state of mind. Clearly it had to be the shotgun. Black on black. Beautiful. No pearls, but there was a pistol grip, folding stock, extended magazine tube, ghost ring sights, laser/flashlight combo, red dot, and of course, the side saddle with six extras. All buckshot.

Like a snake that's half awake and with the grace of an overweight ballerina, I donned the 'vest of doom' and prepared to move out. Tactically of course. Much to my dismay, I had not opened the sliding closet door all the way, by which the shotgun smashed the door and then proceeded as if a heat seeking missile, found the bridge of my nose. Thereby making an awful thud smack sound, followed closely by the knee-jerk reaction of reeling backwards into the now darken cavern of despair.

Well there had to be blood to go with the sweat and tears. I was just following the rules of tactical. OK. Now I'm ready. Steadying myself on now weak and wobbling legs, I force myself into my first tactical stance: the low ready position. Man, I wish I had a mirror in here. I must look fierce. Bleeding and all.

I move back into the bedroom to find myself confronted with an awful feeling. My wife is not in bed! OH NO! Hostage situation! This shotgun is not going to do it! With the speed of a snail in heat bleeding from the nose, I dart back into the closet. Quickly I shrug off the shotgun and TacVest, forgetting that the sling is wrapped around my neck. Wow, does that nylon burn.

Rifle! 30 round magazine! Armor piercing small game boat tailed dynamos that I loaded myself! Heck, when you light these puppies off, there's powder still burning on the tail of the bullet as they streak away at mach 4.2. Throw rifle tacvest on first. Extra mags, ammo, first aid kit, water, 2-way radio (the other one is downstairs to be used as a diversion), two knives that are so sharp if you grab the handle too hard, it cuts the sheath! Don't worry, I have more. Quickly now, I grab my rifle and head into the trouble zone where I'll find fame, fortune, glory, and a heroes welcome!

Suddenly I have a thought! What if I had a guile suit? But one for the house. I've got those extra floor boards, and she's got lots of wallpaper. I could mix up some grout and throw some tiles in to give it that unfinished look. I'd blend right into the downstairs bathroom that I've been working on for the past year. I'll make millions! But first things first!

Lock and load. Now ambling through the bedroom I find the squeaky toy again, but I'm ready. I shift balance, spin, tuck, and roll like a cannon ball rolling across a ships deck in a hurricane. Unfortunately, I have forgotten to compensate for the extra 84 lbs 4 oz (yes, I weighed it). Coming out of my Bruce Lee/Jackie Chan move, I place my tactical boots tactically in the sheet rock wall. I'll fix that later when I'm making my urban homeowners tactical bedroom guile suit.

Wrenching my feet out of the wall, I stand (tactically) up. I move (tactically) to the door where upon I remembered that I left it 1/2 open. I remembered because I ran my still bleeding nose into it. I know the lights are out, but there are a lot of stars at this point in time. Back up, open door, pie corner, approach first step for downstairs, find edge; now count and step: 1, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8. I know there are 8 steps on the first flight of stairs and there are 5 on the second flight. I am the wrath of homeowners exercising my right to be God!

Now count and step: 1, 2, 3,4,5,6. Yup, 6. My teeth actually hurt when I went for step 6, proving once again, if you jar your knee hard enough, the pain travels through the pelvic region, up the lower back (crushing cartilage along the way), across your scalp and finds the nerve center of your back molars. Rats! I have to do something about those stars! Fully 1/2 awake now, I resume my hunt for glory.

I silently reach into my tacvest front left breast pocket number 2, inside pocket 4, next to the extra ammo, and produce my equalizer! Nothing will escape my sight now! I hold, in awe, in my hand, the most expensive tactical flashlight on the free market today! Heck, the batteries alone I put on the charge card. 4.6 million candle- watt raw power. Push the button and this thing will ignite dust balls under the bed. I snicker to myself, someone’s pupils are about to implode never to recover. Still in the dark, I thread my way (tactically) around the furniture, finding the ottoman with my shin and the coffee table with the point of my kneecap.

OK, 3/4 awake now, feeling giddy and sick to my stomach at the same time. I know from this practiced exercise that I must use my tactical flashlight now. I turn on the lighthouse from the sun, scorching a path through the rug, searing the new curtains the wife just bought, catching the beam reflection in the window (which by the way, magnifies it) and henceforth, I now stand in the middle of Dante's Furnace, blinded, bleeding, and now with the most intense third degree burn on my face.

Fully awake now. Stars have become one white blotch. I'd blink, but my eyelids refuse to respond. I think I welded them open. First things first, I put out the curtains and rub the rug back and forth to conceal the ditch I just burned through it. I realize that I have not heard anything else from my intruder. With much determination I move to the nearest light switch and turn it on. Yup. A smoldering, pot marked rendition of the sacking of Rome.

With deep regret, I call it a night. Moving from light switch to light switch I proceed back upstairs. I turn on the bedroom light. Yup, there's the wife. Yup, toilets filling back up. She got up to go to the bathroom. I navigate my way through the minefield of toys and porcupine bones to the closet. I turn on the light making it obviously clear that my scalp is sunburned along with my face. Good news, I am not bleeding anymore. Blood dries pretty quick at 1500 degrees.

I dump the rifle in the corner; shrug off my vest, pulling the first layer of blisters on my forearms and on the back of my hands, clean off. Regaining consciousness, I wipe the tears off my face, further enhancing my sunburn by pushing the salty tears into my raw cheeks.

Lost track of time, I move out of the crying room and turn to shut off the light when I notice the wife's side of the closet. Strange spots of red canvas most of her shoes and purses. The back shelves have been decimated by a bull in a china shop. I whimper and shrug my bruised shoulders.

Move to the bed. Not tactically, but more like, well, not tactically. Ah, bed. After about fifteen minutes of practicing, I could almost close my eyes.

'Thud'. I did not hear that.

[troy2000]

You just blew a big hole in my morning, Kurtis. I couldn't get up and do anything else until I'd finished reading this. Twice.

[Kurtis]

There is always the afternoon to get things done. Like write another story for you guys!

[Apollyon67]

with tears in my eyes and bruises on my arm (shebear hitting me and telling me to keep quiet you will wake the kids) I finally finished this. Please Kurtis, No more! I can't wait to show this one to the guys at work.

[.22guy]

That is some funny stuff Kurtis.

[Oxford]

I re-read it twice to be sure of what was said...because I'm heading to bed and may have the same situation. I'd like to be fully prepared in case I hear "thud" noises myself tonight. Sometimes I even find the other side of my bed empty meaning someone's AWOL and that might be a cause for reaching under my bed, unlocking the lock of my Spgfld XD 9mm sorage case, which soothes my nerves just thinking I could surely overtake any BG prowling around my pitch dark house, especially when I try to find the way to the bath room in the dark at least once a night. But...at this point I cannot report ever finding any unusual perps found prowling around about to pounce on me when I get back in the sack where my wife has found her uncovered spot and pulled all the covers to her side again. Eventually, after smashing my little toe on the chair leg causing excruciating pain (probably have a broken toe) my nerves calm down knowing that my wife would surely have heard any doors opening, windows that were broken into, and and even the popping ductwork when the furnace expanded the them full of fresh heat. Finally I find the sack again after running headfirst into the opened door exiting the bathroom, and my heart has stopped racing from the excitement of the possibility of having to use my best "home defense" tactics, but which weren't needed again because of my heightened sense of home security and expert night prowling senses in the dark of my locked and secured home. Safe at last. Can't wait for another night of excitement.

[bigr]

I woke my wife and daughter plus two dogs laughing! I've been there and done something like that. THANKS!!