Summary of My Last Year on the Computer

Oxford · 01-03-2007, 08:37 AM

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital
for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft
and AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
Horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
Answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my
back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
"Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water
In the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under the
seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because he's
told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably
was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath
my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either. I can no longer drive
my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people
in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will
land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas
from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow
a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law' second husband's cousin's beautician...

Dallas · 01-03-2007, 11:41 AM

Looks like we had about the same kind of year. Sad really.

.22guy · 01-03-2007, 12:34 PM

Some of that stuff has been around for years. The funny thing is, I still encounter people at my work who believe some of that crap.

troy2000 · 01-04-2007, 12:04 AM

Yeah, some of the lamest stuff shows up in my email at work. Sadly, most of it comes from people I used to consider reasonably intelligent, until the advent of the internet gave them the option of being instant idiots just by clicking the "forward" button.

Good list though, Ox. It's nice to know that you've been blessed with such a wealth of knowledge.

Oxford · 01-04-2007, 12:57 AM

Troy....of course, they're all true.

Johnny_Revolver · 01-04-2007, 05:05 AM

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.
often wondered bout that one.. But meh, I`m Australian! We are a dirty bunch so I don`t care..
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.
Oh come on? Ever heard ` kill 2 birds with one stone` ??

01-03-2007, 08:37 AM	#1
Oxford Super Moderator Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Gladstone, Missouri Posts: 12,990 Trader Rating: (0)	Summary of My Last Year on the Computer I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually Horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get Answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water In the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one either. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law' second husband's cousin's beautician... __________________ "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right".

01-04-2007, 12:04 AM	#4
troy2000 Resident Armed Liberal Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 9,146 Trader Rating: (0)	Yeah, some of the lamest stuff shows up in my email at work. Sadly, most of it comes from people I used to consider reasonably intelligent, until the advent of the internet gave them the option of being instant idiots just by clicking the "forward" button. Good list though, Ox. It's nice to know that you've been blessed with such a wealth of knowledge. __________________ If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -Anatole France

01-04-2007, 12:57 AM	#5
Oxford Super Moderator Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Gladstone, Missouri Posts: 12,990 Trader Rating: (0)	Troy....of course, they're all true. __________________ "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right".

01-03-2007, 11:41 AM	#2
Dallas PUKHA DAWG Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Virginia, just outside of Washington D.C. Posts: 3,591 Trader Rating: (0)	Looks like we had about the same kind of year. Sad really.

01-03-2007, 12:34 PM	#3
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,071 Trader Rating: (0)	Some of that stuff has been around for years. The funny thing is, I still encounter people at my work who believe some of that crap.

01-04-2007, 05:05 AM	#6
Johnny_Revolver Gun Liker Join Date: May 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 1,200 Trader Rating: (0)	Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. often wondered bout that one.. But meh, I`m Australian! We are a dirty bunch so I don`t care.. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. Oh come on? Ever heard ` kill 2 birds with one stone` ??