Lawyer jokes?

troy2000 · 05-26-2007, 12:58 AM

I'll start the ball rolling:

Have you heard that more and more laboratories are switching from using white rats to using lawyers in their experiments? Apparently, there are some things a rat simply won't do...

Despoiler · 05-26-2007, 01:05 AM

What do you call a hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?
A good Start!

99% of Lawyers give the other 1% a bad name!

How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?

The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in **** for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Despoiler

troy2000 · 05-26-2007, 01:08 AM

Then there's the group of terrorists who hijacked a planeload full of lawyers headed to a convention. They're threatening to release one every hour until their demands are met...

Casull · 05-26-2007, 01:20 AM

Ok, here I go (if you can't laugh at yourself you have issues).

1. How can you tell the difference between a dead attorney in the middle of the road and a dead skunk in the middle of the road? There's skid marks in front of the skunk.

2. How many attorneys does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thin you slice them.

3. A priest, the Easter Bunny and an honest attorney are sitting at a table looking at a large bag of money in the center of the table. The lights go out, and when they come back on the money is gone. Who took the cash? The priest of course, the other two are figments of your imagination.

4. An attorney is on a cruise ship and falls overboard into a pack of ravenous sharks. Amazingly, he comes out unscathed. What happened? Professional courtesy.

just_a_car · 05-26-2007, 01:45 AM

Dang Casull!!! 1, 2, and 3 had me actually laughing out loud!

dave375hh · 05-26-2007, 05:14 AM

What do lawyers use for birth control?...........Their personalities.

Johnny_Revolver · 05-26-2007, 05:20 AM

Whats the difference between a shark, and a lawyer?

One`s a remorseless bottom dwelling consumption machine, the other`s a fish..

troy2000 · 05-26-2007, 06:34 PM

My sister-in-law passed the bar a few years ago, and she's incredibly thin-skinned. Doesn't think lawyer jokes are funny at all.

Personally, I think it's because they hit home. She's about as greedy, selfish and conscience-free as anyone I've ever met in my life.

Father Time · 05-26-2007, 08:29 PM

What's black and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman!

ArkansasHunter · 05-26-2007, 08:41 PM

Gee Guys I'm a Lawyer by profession, I don't think I can be classed as one of these.
We work hard to jip OH I mean represent our clients.

Michael D. Weston Attorney above the Law

Mooseman684 · 05-26-2007, 08:46 PM

This past winter, it was So Cold in Alaska that the Lawyers had their hands in their own Pockets....

troy2000 · 05-26-2007, 10:51 PM

Rules for hunting lawyers
Washington state attorney season and bag limits
1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty

just_a_car · 05-27-2007, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by troy2000

Rules for hunting lawyers
Washington state attorney season and bag limits
1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

So, would that be a Large Game License (usually animal specific) or a Small Game License? *smirk*

Casull · 05-27-2007, 12:11 PM

Hey Troy, just how lawyers have you seen in the gay bars.

troy2000 · 05-27-2007, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Casull

Hey Troy, just how lawyers have you seen in the gay bars.

Since it's not legal to take them there, I don't bother looking...

Joe Brainard · 06-06-2007, 04:30 PM

Q: what do you have when you've got a hundred lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

05-26-2007, 12:58 AM	#1
troy2000 Resident Armed Liberal Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 9,401 Images: 9	Lawyer jokes? I'll start the ball rolling: Have you heard that more and more laboratories are switching from using white rats to using lawyers in their experiments? Apparently, there are some things a rat simply won't do... __________________ If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -Anatole France

05-26-2007, 01:05 AM	#2
Despoiler Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: The Occupied Territory of California Posts: 2,232	What do you call a hundred lawyers on the bottom of the ocean? A good Start! 99% of Lawyers give the other 1% a bad name! How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road? The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk. The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in **** for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked. Despoiler Last edited by Despoiler; 05-26-2007 at 01:11 AM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

05-26-2007, 01:08 AM	#3
troy2000 Resident Armed Liberal Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 9,401 Images: 9	Then there's the group of terrorists who hijacked a planeload full of lawyers headed to a convention. They're threatening to release one every hour until their demands are met... __________________ If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -Anatole France Last edited by troy2000; 05-26-2007 at 01:11 AM.

05-26-2007, 01:45 AM	#5
just_a_car Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Edmonds, WA Posts: 3,504	Dang Casull!!! 1, 2, and 3 had me actually laughing out loud! __________________

05-26-2007, 05:14 AM	#6
dave375hh Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 587	What do lawyers use for birth control?...........Their personalities. __________________ Dave 375 H&H

05-26-2007, 01:20 AM	#4
Casull Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 256	Ok, here I go (if you can't laugh at yourself you have issues). 1. How can you tell the difference between a dead attorney in the middle of the road and a dead skunk in the middle of the road? There's skid marks in front of the skunk. 2. How many attorneys does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thin you slice them. 3. A priest, the Easter Bunny and an honest attorney are sitting at a table looking at a large bag of money in the center of the table. The lights go out, and when they come back on the money is gone. Who took the cash? The priest of course, the other two are figments of your imagination. 4. An attorney is on a cruise ship and falls overboard into a pack of ravenous sharks. Amazingly, he comes out unscathed. What happened? Professional courtesy.

05-26-2007, 05:20 AM	#7
Johnny_Revolver Gun Liker Join Date: May 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 1,209 Blog Entries: 6	Whats the difference between a shark, and a lawyer? One`s a remorseless bottom dwelling consumption machine, the other`s a fish.. __________________ It`s a good life, provided you don`t weaken.

05-26-2007, 06:34 PM	#8
troy2000 Resident Armed Liberal Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 9,401 Images: 9	My sister-in-law passed the bar a few years ago, and she's incredibly thin-skinned. Doesn't think lawyer jokes are funny at all. Personally, I think it's because they hit home. She's about as greedy, selfish and conscience-free as anyone I've ever met in my life. __________________ If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -Anatole France

05-26-2007, 08:29 PM	#9
Father Time Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Northern Michigan Posts: 374 Images: 2	What's black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman! __________________ You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

05-26-2007, 08:41 PM	#10
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,675	Gee Guys I'm a Lawyer by profession, I don't think I can be classed as one of these. We work hard to jip OH I mean represent our clients. Michael D. Weston Attorney above the Law

05-26-2007, 08:46 PM	#11
Mooseman684 Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Alaska Wilderness Posts: 9,632 Images: 2	This past winter, it was So Cold in Alaska that the Lawyers had their hands in their own Pockets.... __________________ You know you might be facing your doom,when all you get is a click when you're expecting a BOOM!

05-26-2007, 10:51 PM	#12
troy2000 Resident Armed Liberal Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 9,401 Images: 9	Rules for hunting lawyers Washington state attorney season and bag limits 1300.01 GENERAL 1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5 4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT 6. Cut-throat 2 7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty __________________ If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -Anatole France

05-27-2007, 12:11 PM	#14
Casull Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 256	Hey Troy, just how lawyers have you seen in the gay bars.

06-06-2007, 04:30 PM	#16
Joe Brainard Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: From Rhinelander Wisc. Posts: 96	Q: what do you have when you've got a hundred lawyers up to their necks in sand? A: Not enough sand. __________________ You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.--Gospel of John 8:32