Not saying it's true, just funny

[jerry]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
>safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
>real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
>
>
>1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
>you
>want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
>attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here,
>find a seat and get in it!"
>
>
>
>2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
>pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
>be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
>the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
>
>
>3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
>belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
>something we'd like to have.
>
>
>
>4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
>of this airplane"
>
>
>
>5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
>us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
>
>
>6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
>voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
>
>
>7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
>flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
>opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
>as **** everything has shifted."
>
>
>
>8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
>245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
>buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if
>you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
>unsupervised."
>
>
>
>9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
>from
>the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
>you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
>assisting
>with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
>favorite."
>
>
>
>10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
>we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
>nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
>
>
>11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
>emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
>compliments."
>
>
>
>12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
>Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
>attendants.
>Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
>
>
>13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
>pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
>Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
>
>
>14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
>Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
>quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
>wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
>flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
>
>
>
>15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
>particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
>was
>really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
>Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain
>in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
>left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
>
>
>16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
>ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
>terminal."
>
>
>
>17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
>his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
>required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
>exited,
>smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
>light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
>eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
>gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
>"Sir,
>do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.
>What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
>
>
>18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
>with
> "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and
>the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
>And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we
>ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
>terminal."
>
>
>
>19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
>you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
>urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
>you'll think of US Airways."
>
>
>
>20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
>to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
>can
>light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
>
>21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport After it reached a
>comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
>intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
>Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead
>is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
>sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
>Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
>intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared! you
>earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
>spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
>pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
>the back of mine."
>

[Dallas]

I've been on a couple of flights where turning down the cabin lights really did help the flight attendants appearance. As for Reagan International it has one of the shortest if not shortest commercial jet runways in the country. I've landed there a couple of times, the pilots put the brakes on and reverse engines almost the instant the landing gear hits the tarmac.

[just_a_car]

Those were great... and I've been on some flights where stuff like that has been said by either the pilots or the attendants. Only a couple of them seem a little too far-fetched to be real, but the other's I'd believe.

[Zephri]

love no. 17

[.22guy]

I like 21!

[cubbieman]

all were good, but 17 and 20 were the best

[Apollyon67]

I wonder if Shaun was the piolot on any of those flights? LMAO