Cute Taser Story

ArkansasHunter · 08-21-2007, 10:06 PM

(Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl.

OZHUNTER62 · 08-21-2007, 10:17 PM

Damm!!!!!!! what a tale!!! Im almost crying!!!
you would pay $$$ to see that!!!!
Regards.

cubbieman · 08-21-2007, 10:26 PM

haha, my friend has a 300K volt taser and a guy had him zap him with it

just_a_car · 08-21-2007, 10:55 PM

Oldie, but goodie...

But last time I read it, it was a lot easier to read in black text and smaller.

george_l · 08-21-2007, 11:22 PM

I like the explitaves...holy mother of god, weapons of mass destruction...lololol. Reading this at work and had to fight hard not to laugh out loud

troy2000 · 08-21-2007, 11:29 PM

Not the first time I've read that story, but I'm not complaining. I laughed out loud this time, too.

.22guy · 08-22-2007, 12:01 AM

Still funny. That version seemed shorter for some reason.

Dallas · 08-22-2007, 05:01 AM

Great story, first time I've heard it.

Dookiebutt · 08-22-2007, 06:38 AM

About 15 years ago, I watched a buddy do the same thing to himself . . . while he was driving the truck we were in. Let's just say that it was an interesting experience.

billy · 08-22-2007, 07:45 AM

when i was in college there was a drunk chick running around all night at a kegger with one of those things threatening to zap people.
finally i said wow that things cool! can i see it? (can you guys tell where this is going?) sure enough she handed it to me and i gave it to her! it looked like it hurt she did the funky chicken and peed herself.
by the time she got off the floor i had hidden her toy.
she never got it back.

ArkansasHunter · 08-22-2007, 09:00 AM

I would of prolly done the same thing too...Matter of fact I would'nt tolerate being teased or threatend with one and if someone playing around did touch me with one they better hope I never get my hands on it, I would put it where the sun don't shine...My son has one issued to him and honest I'm scard of it...A.H

SuckLead · 08-22-2007, 09:07 PM

Spoke with a sales rep for a taser company and he said during a demonstration a few years back he had 250 people sign a waver to be tasered and a few came back for seconds.

I signed the waver shortly after that, and after watching someone else get tasered. I, however, did not go back for seconds.

ArkansasHunter · 08-22-2007, 09:21 PM

When I was around 11 to 13 years old a friend came up with a Silver Book that i think said SEX on the front of it. It was store bought.
When you picked it up and opened it, It shocked the coon dog sh!t out of you !!!

Troy · 08-23-2007, 01:34 AM

there are a couple of real gems like that story there that you just dont get tired of reading.

snuffysmith · 08-24-2007, 06:02 PM

Back a looong time ago, when I was a yonker, we farm boys played tag with a device called a cattle prod. This was way before tazers or stun guns etc.
One of those things will move a 2 thousand lb. braumer bull out very quickly, imagine what it will do to a fifteen or sixteen year old. I can still feel those **** things.
Any farm boys out there? Do you know what I'm talking about?
LOL
Snuffy

ezearln · 08-24-2007, 06:58 PM

Why the heck is it that every moron on the face of this planet deciding to something incredibly stupid has to be named EARL now G D it, I am Earl and while I may have done some foolish things in my youth because I like many of you here thought I was indestructible I don't do thangs like that find another Christian name to abuse cause I am gettin real sick of em being named Earl!

ArkansasHunter · 08-24-2007, 07:20 PM

COM down Texan I did'nt write the story but I did copy and paste it and yes I did think of you ole buddy when I put it here. LOL...Now I know how Budrow must feel and Bubba........LMAO !!

ezearln · 08-24-2007, 07:24 PM

I will not calm down A.H. now doggone it I have put up with this BS for 50 years an I think it's high time someones elses name gets abused like Bob or John or Patrick dang it Earl has had enough! Fair is Fair ain't it!

ArkansasHunter · 08-24-2007, 07:30 PM

Wake Up America !!!

SPOCAHP ANAR · 08-24-2007, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArkansasHunter

When I was around 11 to 13 years old a friend came up with a Silver Book that i think said SEX on the front of it. It was store bought.
When you picked it up and opened it, It shocked the coon dog sh!t out of you !!!

My son got an electric pen from school and gave it to me to try it out. Jeeze that stung and it had a little AAA battery.

08-21-2007, 10:06 PM	#1
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,726	Cute Taser Story (Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this : Last weekend at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock, Earl.*

08-21-2007, 10:17 PM	#2
OZHUNTER62 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 174	Now thats funny!!!!! Damm!!!!!!! what a tale!!! Im almost crying!!! you would pay $$$ to see that!!!! Regards.

08-21-2007, 10:55 PM	#4
just_a_car Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Edmonds, WA Posts: 3,530	Oldie, but goodie... But last time I read it, it was a lot easier to read in black text and smaller. __________________

08-21-2007, 11:29 PM	#6
troy2000 Resident Armed Liberal Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 9,509 Images: 9	Not the first time I've read that story, but I'm not complaining. I laughed out loud this time, too. __________________ I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting you really believe what you just said. WF Buckley, Jr

08-22-2007, 12:01 AM	#7
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,165	Still funny. That version seemed shorter for some reason. __________________ Guns: they are like baseball cards except they are cool and you can kill things with em. -Billy

08-21-2007, 10:26 PM	#3
cubbieman Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Alaska Posts: 1,481	haha, my friend has a 300K volt taser and a guy had him zap him with it

08-21-2007, 11:22 PM	#5
george_l Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Sunny South Florida Posts: 72	I like the explitaves...holy mother of god, weapons of mass destruction...lololol. Reading this at work and had to fight hard not to laugh out loud

08-22-2007, 05:01 AM	#8
Dallas PUKHA DAWG Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Virginia, just outside of Washington D.C. Posts: 3,596	Great story, first time I've heard it. __________________ Those who forget History are condemed to repeat it.

08-22-2007, 06:38 AM	#9
Dookiebutt Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: America's North Coast Posts: 1,170	About 15 years ago, I watched a buddy do the same thing to himself . . . while he was driving the truck we were in. Let's just say that it was an interesting experience.

08-22-2007, 07:45 AM	#10
billy spiritual counselor Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: a secret lab on the shores of lake titicaca Posts: 12,358 Images: 9 Blog Entries: 146	when i was in college there was a drunk chick running around all night at a kegger with one of those things threatening to zap people. finally i said wow that things cool! can i see it? (can you guys tell where this is going?) sure enough she handed it to me and i gave it to her! it looked like it hurt she did the funky chicken and peed herself. by the time she got off the floor i had hidden her toy. she never got it back. __________________

08-22-2007, 09:00 AM	#11
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,726	I would of prolly done the same thing too...Matter of fact I would'nt tolerate being teased or threatend with one and if someone playing around did touch me with one they better hope I never get my hands on it, I would put it where the sun don't shine...My son has one issued to him and honest I'm scard of it...A.H

08-22-2007, 09:07 PM	#12
SuckLead Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: USA Posts: 605	Spoke with a sales rep for a taser company and he said during a demonstration a few years back he had 250 people sign a waver to be tasered and a few came back for seconds. I signed the waver shortly after that, and after watching someone else get tasered. I, however, did not go back for seconds.

08-22-2007, 09:21 PM	#13
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,726	When I was around 11 to 13 years old a friend came up with a Silver Book that i think said SEX on the front of it. It was store bought. When you picked it up and opened it, It shocked the coon dog sh!t out of you !!!

08-23-2007, 01:34 AM	#14
Troy Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Manitoba Canada Posts: 2,503 Images: 3	there are a couple of real gems like that story there that you just dont get tired of reading.

08-24-2007, 06:02 PM	#15
snuffysmith Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: central Arkansas Posts: 568	Back a looong time ago, when I was a yonker, we farm boys played tag with a device called a cattle prod. This was way before tazers or stun guns etc. One of those things will move a 2 thousand lb. braumer bull out very quickly, imagine what it will do to a fifteen or sixteen year old. I can still feel those **** things. Any farm boys out there? Do you know what I'm talking about? LOL Snuffy

08-24-2007, 06:58 PM	#16
ezearln Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 3,175	Why the heck is it that every moron on the face of this planet deciding to something incredibly stupid has to be named EARL now G D it, I am Earl and while I may have done some foolish things in my youth because I like many of you here thought I was indestructible I don't do thangs like that find another Christian name to abuse cause I am gettin real sick of em being named Earl! __________________ "You can have my Freedom when I'm done with it!"

08-24-2007, 07:20 PM	#17
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,726	COM down Texan I did'nt write the story but I did copy and paste it and yes I did think of you ole buddy when I put it here. LOL...Now I know how Budrow must feel and Bubba........LMAO !!

08-24-2007, 07:24 PM	#18
ezearln Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 3,175	I will not calm down A.H. now doggone it I have put up with this BS for 50 years an I think it's high time someones elses name gets abused like Bob or John or Patrick dang it Earl has had enough! Fair is Fair ain't it! __________________ "You can have my Freedom when I'm done with it!"

08-24-2007, 07:30 PM	#19
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas Posts: 10,726	Wake Up America !!!