Let's All Move To Kansas City, This Summer . . .

[Oxford]

Here's another oldie but still funny:
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May 30th: Just moved to Kansas City, MO. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful
sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying
on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home,
drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into
a sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind
of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking
longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 2nd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 2 days of
work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate
like this.

July 20th: I missed Jerry (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got
to the hot car for lunch, Jerry had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over the
$2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and SHITS.
No more pets in this heat.

July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home
air- conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed
to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in **** house payments and
we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the
temperature down a little, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 90. Stupid
repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.

Aug. 8th: If another wise *** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. ****
heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a
dead cat!!

Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the
ol' car. I thought my *** was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ***.
Now my car smells like burnt *** and fried cat.

Aug. 10th: The weather report might as well be a **** recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's
been too hot to do **** for 2 **** months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this barren **** town?? Water rationing will be next, so $1700 worth of cactus
just might dry up and blow into the **** pool. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 113 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew
the **** windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.


:nod: