decyfering personal ads

[panhandler]

WOMEN'S ADS
> 40-ish.......................... 49
> Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
> Athletic.................... ....No tits
> Average looking............Face like a basset hound
> Beautiful.......................Pathological liar
> Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of Ecstasy
> Educated......................Banged her professors
> Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
> Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster
> Free spirit................. Junkie
> Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut
> Fun......................... Annoying
> Gentle...................... Comatose
> Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
> New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
> Old-fashioned............... Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
> Open-minded................. Desperate
> Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
> Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
> Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
> Professional................ Certified *****
> Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
> Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
> Romantic.................... Looks better by candlelight
> Social...................... Has been passed around like hors-d'oeuvres
> Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
> Weight proportion w/ height..... Hugely Fat, as tall as you are wide
> Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
> Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
> Young at heart.............. Old bat
>
> MEN'S ADS
> 40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
> Athletic.............. Watches a lot of Football
> Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears,nose, & back
> Educated.............. Will patronize the **** out of you
> Free Spirit........... Banging your sister
> Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie
> Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack
> Good looking.......... Arrogant
> Very good looking..... Dumb as a board
> Honest................ Pathological Liar
> Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
> Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy
> Mature................ Older than your father
> Open-minded........... Wants to sleep with your roommate too
> Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
> Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
> Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks
> Very sensitive........ Gay
> Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once
> Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
> Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts