How to give a cat and a dog a pill

[Sniper[MI]]

"How to give a Cat a pill"

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of
your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat
from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to
lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get
another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto
neck, to leave head showing. Force
Mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress to
cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw Tee shirt away and fetch
new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the
f------ cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear
paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy
duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of filet steak. Be rough
about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash
pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat
from hell and call local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.

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HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon
:nod: :nod: :nod: :nod: :nod: