Bread is Dangerous - We Need Anti-Bread Laws!

Cyrano · 05-02-2008, 11:29 AM

After reading the following, perhaps you'll agree that the Federal Government needs to establish the 2008 Anti-Bread Law, with the following provisions, based on relaible statistics....

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "bread-free" zones around schools.

Write your Congressman today! Something has to be done about the menace bread poses to American society! Never mind that such a law would abrogate our Constitutional rights, we need this law NOW!!

TXplt · 05-02-2008, 11:39 AM

OMG--I never knew !!!!

Thanks, Cyrano.

I was going to have a sandwitch for lunch--I coulda been killed !

Guess I'll go shooting instead

andrew cochran · 05-02-2008, 12:35 PM

LOL

ghost_raven · 05-02-2008, 02:24 PM

Reminds me of a story I heard where a girl circulated a petition at a science fair to ban dihydrogen monoxide... a lot of people who signed it were pretty red-faced when they found out they tried to ban water.

tlarkin · 05-02-2008, 02:38 PM

Bread killed my dog when I was a kid, all because I wanted to toast it.

LefthandShooter · 05-02-2008, 03:44 PM

It is true that Wonder stopped doing home delivery of the stuff as too many women were getting bread on their front porch!

TXplt · 05-02-2008, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ghost_raven

Reminds me of a story I heard where a girl circulated a petition at a science fair to ban dihydrogen monoxide... a lot of people who signed it were pretty red-faced when they found out they tried to ban water.

Yeah.....they're trying to do the same thing with Carbon Dioxide now.........wish it was a joke !

But there are alot of the same "red-faced" people who are keen to sign the petition....

Windwalker · 05-02-2008, 04:27 PM

Congress needs to especially target the assault type breads, ie. high energy types that release this energy into the body fully automatically.

7mmremmag1995 · 05-02-2008, 05:20 PM

lol

Capt'n Mil Coll · 05-02-2008, 06:46 PM

Hi my name is Mil and I am a bread addict. I used to eat bread in pudding toasted in sandwiches. I ate bread every where. I even traded my son so I could get just one more loaf. But now I no longer crave bread. Now I have Mosinitis and have to buy more Mosins.

ezearln · 05-02-2008, 07:08 PM

This doesn't even begin to expose the dangers! What about Cornbread! Laid beside a freshly smoked briket and a sponful of beans what havoc could be expected? We need to ban all bread with all of it's evile ramifications. My Gawd our childrens safety is at stake!

cubbieman · 05-02-2008, 08:14 PM

I've gotten all the bread out of my house

mom was pretty pissed

Sooner Shooter · 05-02-2008, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LefthandShooter

It is true that Wonder stopped doing home delivery of the stuff as too many women were getting bread on their front porch!

You're bad Lefty! Nice play!

CalifgirlinOk · 05-03-2008, 01:04 PM

I just had a sanwich for lunch..!!! Now I'm going to die..

HELP!!!!

Cyrille · 05-03-2008, 01:24 PM

BUYFRENCH bread Save a Frog!

Muddog · 05-03-2008, 01:44 PM

Perfect! I'll stash pieces of bread all over my house in all the dark, out of the way places. Thats SURE to get rid of those pesky mice...

Beaker · 05-03-2008, 10:09 PM

Please remember 'people don't kill people bread does'

05-02-2008, 11:29 AM	#1
Cyrano Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: New York Posts: 2,993	Bread is Dangerous - We Need Anti-Bread Laws! After reading the following, perhaps you'll agree that the Federal Government needs to establish the 2008 Anti-Bread Law, with the following provisions, based on relaible statistics.... 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 10. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1. No sale of bread to minors. 2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5. The establishment of "bread-free" zones around schools. Write your Congressman today! Something has to be done about the menace bread poses to American society! Never mind that such a law would abrogate our Constitutional rights, we need this law NOW!!

05-02-2008, 11:39 AM	#2
TXplt Conservative in Exile Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Fort Worth, TX Posts: 3,191 Images: 4 Blog Entries: 2	OMG--I never knew !!!! Thanks, Cyrano. I was going to have a sandwitch for lunch--I coulda been killed ! Guess I'll go shooting instead __________________ Old fighter pilots never die.....They just wind up in Texas

05-02-2008, 12:35 PM	#3
andrew cochran Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Little town in ARKANSAW! Posts: 2,320	LOL __________________ If you don't have anything good to say... Don't say it!

05-02-2008, 02:24 PM	#4
ghost_raven Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Albuquerque, NM Posts: 408	Reminds me of a story I heard where a girl circulated a petition at a science fair to ban dihydrogen monoxide... a lot of people who signed it were pretty red-faced when they found out they tried to ban water. __________________ The First Amendment defines America, the Second Amendment defends it.

05-02-2008, 04:27 PM	#8
Windwalker Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 4,000	Congress needs to especially target the assault type breads, ie. high energy types that release this energy into the body fully automatically. __________________ America: Love it and protect it or leave it

05-02-2008, 02:38 PM	#5
tlarkin Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Kansas City, MO Posts: 1,942	Bread killed my dog when I was a kid, all because I wanted to toast it.

05-02-2008, 03:44 PM	#6
LefthandShooter Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: In A House in NE Ohio! Posts: 1,758	It is true that Wonder stopped doing home delivery of the stuff as too many women were getting bread on their front porch!

05-02-2008, 05:20 PM	#9
7mmremmag1995 Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Kentucky Posts: 1,271 Images: 1 Blog Entries: 1	lol __________________ Just LeDoux it

05-02-2008, 06:46 PM	#10
Capt'n Mil Coll Military Rifle Collector Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Right behind you. -NRA Member- Posts: 2,571 Images: 38	Hi my name is Mil and I am a bread addict. I used to eat bread in pudding toasted in sandwiches. I ate bread every where. I even traded my son so I could get just one more loaf. But now I no longer crave bread. Now I have Mosinitis and have to buy more Mosins. __________________ Let's light this fuse and see what happens!

05-02-2008, 07:08 PM	#11
ezearln Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 3,175	This doesn't even begin to expose the dangers! What about Cornbread! Laid beside a freshly smoked briket and a sponful of beans what havoc could be expected? We need to ban all bread with all of it's evile ramifications. My Gawd our childrens safety is at stake! __________________ "You can have my Freedom when I'm done with it!"

05-02-2008, 08:14 PM	#12
cubbieman Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Alaska Posts: 1,550	I've gotten all the bread out of my house mom was pretty pissed

05-03-2008, 01:04 PM	#14
CalifgirlinOk MY CAT RUDY ATE SANTA..!! Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 3,579	I just had a sanwich for lunch..!!! Now I'm going to die.. HELP!!!! __________________ "Most of the troubles in the world is caused by people wanting to be important". T.S.Eliot

05-03-2008, 01:24 PM	#15
Cyrille Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: South Louisiana Posts: 1,905	BUYFRENCH bread Save a Frog!

05-03-2008, 01:44 PM	#16
Muddog Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Northeast Kansas Posts: 141	Perfect! I'll stash pieces of bread all over my house in all the dark, out of the way places. Thats SURE to get rid of those pesky mice...

05-03-2008, 10:09 PM	#17
Beaker Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Auckland, New Zealand Posts: 32	Please remember 'people don't kill people bread does'