Andy Rooney Fans

[Oxford]

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
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2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house.
I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should
give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours
a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they
can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
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3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed
women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and
walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can
take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
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4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because
we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
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5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you
ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to
call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly
about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs
up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're
not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm
not in the mood."
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6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You
think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
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7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'
You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet
shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for
your birthday.
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8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering
machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are
too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD
clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing
the love."
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9. Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants
and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the
year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge
breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them.:nod:

[NRAJOE]

Andy Rooney gets on my NERVES! :assult: