The Blonde and the Mechanic

[Cyrano]

The blonde's car was making a funny noise, so she took it in to the garage down the street from where she worked, then walked back to the office. She told her friend, "I'm getting the car seen to because ti makes this funny clicking noise."

"Let me know how you make out," her friend said. "I'm afraid the mechanic is going to rip you off because you're a woman."

At lunchtime, the garage called to say her car was ready. She walked down and picked it up, then drove to the restaurant where she was meeting her friend. As she sat down to eat, her friend asked, "Well, how did it go?"

"The mechanic was very nice, and very honest, too."

"He didn't rip you off?"

"No. He said it was an easy fix and only charged me $20. All I needed was some turn signal fluid."

[SwedeSteve]

Ha-Ha !!

[tonystewartfan]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

"Sir," she said "You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. "What a nice feeling," he thought. "Mens' restrooms don't have nice things like this."

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies' restroom was more than a restroom; it is a tender, loving pleasure treat.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes. He was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. 'The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

[tonystewartfan]

Several years ago a man was taking a trip by train. The train pulls into a station, and the man leaves train to stretch his legs. He see's and old Indian in the corner with a sign above him saying "World's Best Memory". He walks over to him and asked the old Indian what he had for breakfast 20 years ago. The Indian said "eggs". About then the train whistle blew and the man got back on the train.

20 years had past and the man was back on the train taking another trip when it pulled into this station. He once again leaves train to stretch his legs and see's the old Indian still there. The man walks up to him and putting his right hand up and saying, "How". The old Indian looks and him and say's, Scrambled.

[tonystewartfan]

In 2009 the government will start locking up all the mentally ill.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run little buddy, run.

[tonystewartfan]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this
really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she
gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys Irish Cream, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of
Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.'

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue...... ..salty but OK.

H e drinks the shot of Baileys..... ...smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks...... ..this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits...... At two seconds the Baileys
curdles ... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
consistency hits. ....At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of
nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
'Jesus, what do you call that drink! ?'



She smiles widely at him and says, 'B J Revenge.'

[tonystewartfan]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "Ive heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells,"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee".

[tonystewartfan]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "That must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband.!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"

And that folks............is how the fight started.

[tonystewartfan]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb, it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet
all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

[tonystewartfan]

The blond was praying and praying to win the lottery. "Oh, please Lord, if I win the lottery I will pay my debts, educate my children and devote the rest of my life to doing good works in Your name!"

She repeats her prayer over and over, for months, and nothing happens. Finally, in bitter disappointment, she laments "I've prayed and prayed. I've done my best to be good! When will you answer my prayer?"

An exasperated voice comes from the sky and tells her -

"C'mon, work with me, sweetie. Buy a ticket."

[captsquirrel]

Can you say hijack.

[SoDakHunter]

^+1 lol