How to start a fight with your spouse, or others: (UNCLASSIFIED)

cremley · 10-21-2009, 09:16 PM

How to start a fight with your spouse: (UNCLASSIFIED)
>
>
>Oldies, but goodies!
>
>
>
>
> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I
> was flipping channels.
>
> She asked, 'What's on TV?'
>
> I said, 'Dust...'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A
> Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you
> want to have sex?"
>
> "No," she answered.
>
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply
> saying, "Yes."
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And then the fight started....
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly
> dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped quietly into the
> garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
> into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled
> back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the
> weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed
> and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
> different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is
> terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you
> believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we
> were alongside the road
> and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
> You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things > just
> seem funny? Yeah, well
> couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
> shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then
> which one are you?"
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for
> our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes
> from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
>
> I bought her a scale.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded
> that I take her
> somewhere expensive... so, I took her to a gas
> station.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security
> office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked
> me for my driver's
> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
> and realized I had
> left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I
> was very sorry, but
> I would have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
> opened my shirt
> revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
> silver hair on your
> chest is proof enough for me' and she processed
> my Social Security
> application
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about
> my experience
> at the Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
> You
> might have
> gotten disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
> school reunion,
> and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
> her drink as
> she sat alone at a nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I
> understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
> ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
> person could go on
> celebrating that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for
> some reason,
> took my order first.
>
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
> please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad
> cow?""
>
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
> mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to
> her husband,
> 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I
> really need you to pay
> me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
> perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started.....

Marine4TheKing · 10-21-2009, 09:59 PM

About fell out of my chair laughing! Worse part is I'm the only one laughing, while everyone is looking at me like an idiot. This sure beats the "Powder Keg". I wish I'd have come on here sooner.(I still like the "Powder Keg")

privateer · 10-21-2009, 10:26 PM

Lmao

Whootsinator · 10-21-2009, 10:28 PM

Haha, that's gotta take the second spot, but the Gay Flight Attendant is still top for now.

338RUM · 10-21-2009, 11:03 PM

Definitely hilarious

rondog · 10-22-2009, 12:17 AM

I don't have to start fights with my wife, she's always ready and waiting to let me have it over something. Tonight was extra special.

R5CYA · 10-22-2009, 03:18 AM

lol! thanks!

thrillbilly · 10-22-2009, 03:23 AM

say your wife's sister's name while in bed....THAT should do it!

CalifgirlinOk · 10-22-2009, 06:21 AM

I needed a good laugh to start my morning and that sure did it. LOL

Wyld_Cat · 10-22-2009, 06:30 AM

lmqao

gunnut2u · 10-22-2009, 06:59 AM

That'll do it !!! LMAO.

Archetype_wyo · 10-22-2009, 12:13 PM

Awesome pure and simple.

larmus · 10-22-2009, 12:23 PM

thats funny no matter who you are...

Bigfoot · 10-22-2009, 12:53 PM

They may be oldies, but there classics for shure! Thanks for the chuckles.

SwedeSteve · 10-23-2009, 03:28 PM

A great laugh, Thanks !!

Paul T · 10-23-2009, 08:06 PM

I was at the Flying J in OKC and after paying for my purchases the girl behind the register asked me if I wanted a bag. I told her no thanks I left her in the truck.I felt a smack on the back of my head. I didnt know she was behind me...The the fight started.

LarryO1970 · 10-24-2009, 02:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by privateer

Lmao

Privateer ... good to see you brother ! Hope all is well with you ...

Larry O

Ninja Piper · 10-24-2009, 02:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rondog

I don't have to start fights with my wife, she's always ready and waiting to let me have it over something. Tonight was extra special.

Sounds like my wife! I stopped to have a beer with LarryO the other night and told her I would be home around 12. Came in at 1230 and she threw a fit. Yesterday I got off of work almost 2 hours early. Yup, came home and she immediately started in because I came home early!

ArkansasHunter · 10-24-2009, 02:19 AM

I giggled all the way through it. And hello larry O

thrillbilly · 10-24-2009, 04:24 AM

LOL my wife will have a dream where I do something wrong...then she's pissed at me all the next day! What the heck....I can't control what my dream counterpart does inside her head at night....can I?

10-21-2009, 09:16 PM	#1
cremley Young Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Southern New Mexico Posts: 2,948	How to start a fight with your spouse, or others: (UNCLASSIFIED) How to start a fight with your spouse: (UNCLASSIFIED) > > >Oldies, but goodies! > > > > > My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I > was flipping channels. > > She asked, 'What's on TV?' > > I said, 'Dust...' > > And then the fight started... > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A > Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you > want to have sex?" > > "No," she answered. > > I then said, "Is that your final answer?" > > She didn't even look at me this time, simply > saying, "Yes." > > So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." > > And then the fight started.... > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Saturday morning I got up early, quietly > dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped quietly into the > garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out > into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled > back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the > weather would be bad all day. > > I went back into the house, quietly undressed > and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a > different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is > terrible." > > My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you > believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" > > And then the fight started... > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we > were alongside the road > and slowly the other driver got out of his car. > You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things > just > seem funny? Yeah, well > couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! > > He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and > shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" > > So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then > which one are you?" > > And then the fight started..... > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for > our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes > from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' > > I bought her a scale. > > And then the fight started... > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > When I got home last night, my wife demanded > that I take her > somewhere expensive... so, I took her to a gas > station. > > And then the fight started... > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > After retiring, I went to the Social Security > office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked > me for my driver's > license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets > and realized I had > left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I > was very sorry, but > I would have to go home and come back later. > > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I > opened my shirt > revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That > silver hair on your > chest is proof enough for me' and she processed > my Social Security > application > > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about > my experience > at the Social Security office. > > She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. > You > might have > gotten disability, too.' > > And then the fight started... > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high > school reunion, > and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging > her drink as > she sat alone at a nearby table. > > My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' > > 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I > understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years > ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' > > 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a > person could go on > celebrating that long?' > > And then the fight started... > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for > some reason, > took my order first. > > "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, > please." > > He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad > cow?"" > > Nah, she can order for herself." > > And then the fight started... > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom > mirror. > She is not happy with what she sees and says to > her husband, > 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I > really need you to pay > me a compliment.' > > The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near > perfect.' > > And then the fight started..... __________________ Well done is better than well said - Benjamin Franklin NRA MEMBER

10-21-2009, 09:59 PM	#2
Marine4TheKing Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Tucson,Az Posts: 152	About fell out of my chair laughing! Worse part is I'm the only one laughing, while everyone is looking at me like an idiot. This sure beats the "Powder Keg". I wish I'd have come on here sooner.(I still like the "Powder Keg") __________________ Live your life so well, That when you die, Even the undertaker will cry! Last edited by Marine4TheKing; 10-21-2009 at 10:02 PM.

10-21-2009, 11:03 PM	#5
338RUM Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Lonaconing, MD Posts: 1,180	Definitely hilarious __________________ What doesn't kill me has made a HUGE tactical mistake!

10-22-2009, 12:17 AM	#6
rondog Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Parker, CO Posts: 3,629	I don't have to start fights with my wife, she's always ready and waiting to let me have it over something. Tonight was extra special. __________________ I child-proofed my house, but they still keep getting in!

10-22-2009, 03:18 AM	#7
R5CYA Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: San Bruno, Republic of Kalifornia Posts: 2,640	lol! thanks! __________________ Badges? We got no badges! i aint gotta show you no stinking badges!

10-21-2009, 10:26 PM	#3
privateer Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Anchorage , Alaska Posts: 1,001	Lmao

10-21-2009, 10:28 PM	#4
Whootsinator Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 1,040	Haha, that's gotta take the second spot, but the Gay Flight Attendant is still top for now.

10-22-2009, 03:23 AM	#8
thrillbilly Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ozark Hill Country Posts: 3,182	say your wife's sister's name while in bed....THAT should do it! __________________ *" I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on."* John Wayne

10-22-2009, 06:21 AM	#9
CalifgirlinOk Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 8,547	I needed a good laugh to start my morning and that sure did it. LOL __________________ I got into a fist fight with breast cancer and I won.

10-22-2009, 06:30 AM	#10
Wyld_Cat Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: East Coast, Australia Posts: 265 Blog Entries: 4	lmqao

10-22-2009, 06:59 AM	#11
gunnut2u Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Missouri-firearms,USA Posts: 1,581	That'll do it !!! LMAO. __________________ I might not be playing with a full deck... But I am playing with a full clip!!! (gunnut2u)

10-22-2009, 12:13 PM	#12
Archetype_wyo Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Buffalo, Wyo Posts: 2,248	Awesome pure and simple. __________________ The great object is that every man be armed. Everyone who is able may have a gun. —Patrick Henry

10-22-2009, 12:23 PM	#13
larmus Domestic Engineer Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: arizona Posts: 3,390	thats funny no matter who you are... __________________ Lawrence Home Defense: .45 and a Shovel...

10-22-2009, 12:53 PM	#14
Bigfoot Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 252	They may be oldies, but there classics for shure! Thanks for the chuckles.

10-23-2009, 03:28 PM	#15
SwedeSteve Suspected Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Anchortown, Alaska Posts: 25,529	A great laugh, Thanks !! __________________ In the absence of orders, ATTACK !!

10-23-2009, 08:06 PM	#16
Paul T Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Mounds Ok Posts: 926 Blog Entries: 6	I was at the Flying J in OKC and after paying for my purchases the girl behind the register asked me if I wanted a bag. I told her no thanks I left her in the truck.I felt a smack on the back of my head. I didnt know she was behind me...The the fight started.

10-24-2009, 02:19 AM	#19
ArkansasHunter Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: South Arkansas. Posts: 18,224	I giggled all the way through it. And hello larry O __________________ IN GOD WE TRUST NRA MEMBER

10-24-2009, 04:24 AM	#20
thrillbilly Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Ozark Hill Country Posts: 3,182	LOL my wife will have a dream where I do something wrong...then she's pissed at me all the next day! What the heck....I can't control what my dream counterpart does inside her head at night....can I? __________________ *" I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on."* John Wayne