'Axis of Evil' gives us all fast-food flab

Doglips · 01-24-2003, 07:29 PM

'Axis of Evil' gives us all fast-food flab
Published January 24, 2003

This just in: President Bush is prepared to label McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's as the new "Axis of Evil" in his State of the Union address.

This follows Surgeon General Richard Carmona's assertion Wednesday in Orlando that obesity posed a greater risk to Americans than weapons of mass destruction.

Bush threatened unilateral action against the fast-food chains, apparently giving up on Secretary of State Colin Powell's attempt to resolve the crisis through inspections by YUMSCOM investigators.

A Wendy's manager recently stopped inspectors from entering a cooler after they discovered empty 5-gallon buckets suspected of once holding congealed beef fat from the grill. The store manager claimed it was a misunderstanding.

"We couldn't find the key," the manager said. "The only things in the cooler are lettuce, skinless chicken breasts and skim milk."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he had enough proof to act. He accused the restaurants of deceiving the world for years, playing a shell game with menus.

"They promote themselves as healthy dining options, advertising their garden salads, while cranking out huge burgers laced with toxic levels of cheese and bacon," he said.

Rumsfeld would not comment on reports that a Predator dronefired a missile at a Domino's delivery truck, an indication the administration was expanding the war.

The truck escaped because the missile could not keep up with it.

Bush singled out McDonald's as the worst offender in an interview with Bob Woodward, who is working on his new book, Bush at Brunch.

"Ronald McDonald once claimed he stopped using beef fat in his french fries," Bush said. "Then we found out that this was a lie. Now he claims to be switching to healthier fat in his fryers.

"At what point do we say: 'Hey, Clown, enough is enough? The world is no longer going to tolerate thugs like you threatening our children with Meals of Mass Destruction.' "

Bush also mentioned the Burger King Double Beef Whopper with Cheese as an emerging threat. It contains 14 percent more fat than a person should eat in an entire day.

In a written statement, Vice President Dick Cheney said, "Really? Can I have one?"

He was whisked to a secure location at an unidentified Subway.

The French downplayed the danger poised by saturated fat, pointing to their diet based on cream sauces.

"If Americans are fat, it's because they are pigs," said President Jacques Chirac.

The Germans expressed concern that the War on Flab could expand to include bratwurst and sauerkraut.

The mounting tension against the burger chains diverted attention from Taco Bell, which threatened to put the Big Beef Burrito Supreme back on the menu unless the Bush administration also agreed to negotiate.

Taco Bell recently escalated the crisis by stocking condiment counters with squeeze bottles of sour cream.

Former President Bill Clinton denied he passed on the crisis to Bush.

"His daddy was the one who badmouthed broccoli," Clinton said. "I eat a dozen chicken nuggets, six jelly doughnuts and drink two RC Colas every day. You just got to do a little joggin' first, that's all."

Mike Thomas can be reached at 407-420-5525 or mthomas@orlandosentinel.com.

01-24-2003, 07:29 PM	#1
Doglips Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Cocoa Florida Posts: 9,089	'Axis of Evil' gives us all fast-food flab 'Axis of Evil' gives us all fast-food flab Published January 24, 2003 This just in: President Bush is prepared to label McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's as the new "Axis of Evil" in his State of the Union address. This follows Surgeon General Richard Carmona's assertion Wednesday in Orlando that obesity posed a greater risk to Americans than weapons of mass destruction. Bush threatened unilateral action against the fast-food chains, apparently giving up on Secretary of State Colin Powell's attempt to resolve the crisis through inspections by YUMSCOM investigators. A Wendy's manager recently stopped inspectors from entering a cooler after they discovered empty 5-gallon buckets suspected of once holding congealed beef fat from the grill. The store manager claimed it was a misunderstanding. "We couldn't find the key," the manager said. "The only things in the cooler are lettuce, skinless chicken breasts and skim milk." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he had enough proof to act. He accused the restaurants of deceiving the world for years, playing a shell game with menus. "They promote themselves as healthy dining options, advertising their garden salads, while cranking out huge burgers laced with toxic levels of cheese and bacon," he said. Rumsfeld would not comment on reports that a Predator dronefired a missile at a Domino's delivery truck, an indication the administration was expanding the war. The truck escaped because the missile could not keep up with it. Bush singled out McDonald's as the worst offender in an interview with Bob Woodward, who is working on his new book, Bush at Brunch. "Ronald McDonald once claimed he stopped using beef fat in his french fries," Bush said. "Then we found out that this was a lie. Now he claims to be switching to healthier fat in his fryers. "At what point do we say: 'Hey, Clown, enough is enough? The world is no longer going to tolerate thugs like you threatening our children with Meals of Mass Destruction.' " Bush also mentioned the Burger King Double Beef Whopper with Cheese as an emerging threat. It contains 14 percent more fat than a person should eat in an entire day. In a written statement, Vice President Dick Cheney said, "Really? Can I have one?" He was whisked to a secure location at an unidentified Subway. The French downplayed the danger poised by saturated fat, pointing to their diet based on cream sauces. "If Americans are fat, it's because they are pigs," said President Jacques Chirac. The Germans expressed concern that the War on Flab could expand to include bratwurst and sauerkraut. The mounting tension against the burger chains diverted attention from Taco Bell, which threatened to put the Big Beef Burrito Supreme back on the menu unless the Bush administration also agreed to negotiate. Taco Bell recently escalated the crisis by stocking condiment counters with squeeze bottles of sour cream. Former President Bill Clinton denied he passed on the crisis to Bush. "His daddy was the one who badmouthed broccoli," Clinton said. "I eat a dozen chicken nuggets, six jelly doughnuts and drink two RC Colas every day. You just got to do a little joggin' first, that's all." Mike Thomas can be reached at 407-420-5525 or mthomas@orlandosentinel.com.