For you Navy guys (PG13)

jerry · 01-28-2003, 12:14 PM

STATEMENTS HEARD ABOARD USN SHIPS:
>>
>>
>> CO to Navigator: "Hey dips**t, pay attention! Ships have been running
>> aground here since Noah was a f***ing deck seaman."
>>
>> (same) CO to Supply Officer: "So, lemme guess -- the reason it's taking
so
>> long to get these parts to get here is that they're made of iron ore
mined
>> on the dark side of a mountain in Tora-Bora region, by virgin Afghan
>> college graduates, right?"
>>
>> (same) CO to Supply Officer at breakfast on the day the disbursing audit
>> kicked off: "You know, I had a really BAD dream last night, it involved
>you
>> and me in prison with a large man named 'Leroy'."
>>
>> (same) CO to XO after seeing the schedule for the next day: "What the
hell
>> is this? You've turned my life into a series of f***ing unproductive
>> meetings!"
>>
>> (same) CO as he sat down to yet another meeting in a series: "This ****
>> thing had better be over faster than sex with your old lady after you
get
>> home from (a six month) deployment."
>>
>> (same) CO to Communications Officer, after being told the reason the
>> command circuit was down was not the ship's fault: "COMMO, you'd better
>get
>> the **** thing working, and soon, or I'm gonna jam the f***ing space
>> shuttle up your *** and you're going up there to fix the satellite
>> yourself. You got me?"
>>
>> (same) CO to Navigator: "Debrief??!! You want a debrief? I'll give you a
>> debrief! You suck! You f***ing suck!!!"
>>
>> OPS commenting to XO on the assignment of a new division officer to his
>> department: "I don't need DIVOs, I need useful people."
>>
>> Chaplain to XO after announcing the ship would be working through the
>> weekend: "XO, you're a f***ing a**hole!"
>>
>> XO to OPS: "I just think up the crazy ideas, it's your job to make 'em
>> work!"
>>
>> Unidentified Ensign to XO, on trying to schedule ship's drills: "I have
no
>> opinion on that, sir. I'm but a urinal cake in the pissing contest
between
>> OPS and the Chief Engineer."
>>
>> Ensign answering the phone at 0230: "Is this something I really need to
>get
>> out of bed for, of is this just more of OPS's bulls**t?"
>>
>> OPS to nobody in particular: "Leadership is a bunch of guys doing exactly
>> as I say."
>>
>> XO to Weapons Officer: "I'm busy. I don't have time to chew your ***
right
>> now. Leave it in my in-box and I'll get to it later."
>>
>> New Ensign, during a visit to Alexandria, Egypt: "You know what's so
>> amazing about this place? It's all so foreign."
>>
>> XO to CO, while launching a boat to send a couple officers over to the
>> flagship for a conference: - "Well sir, I see that OPS and WEPS are on
>> their way over..." - "Yeah, there they go: tweedledum and tweedledummer."
>>
>> New Ensign to OPS, 3rd day after the ship has been underway: "So, when
>does
>> this watchbill thingy start?"
>>
>> Chief Engineer to Chief Boiler technician: - "Chief, I didn't know we had
>a
>> magic genie!?!" - "Sir? What magic genie?" - "The one that's fixing the
>> broken lube oil purifier down in #1 main machinery room, 'cause there
sure
>> as f*** ain't nobody else down there doing it!"
>>
>> OPS to his entire department (at the top of his lungs): "YES! THE XO _IS_
>A
>> F***ING MORON! BUT IT'S OUR JOB TO MAKE HIM LOOK SMART, AND WE'RE NOT
>DOING
>> A VERY GOOD JOB!"
>>
>> XO during an 'all officers' meeting: "Stop making me lie on your Fitness
>> Reports! I want to know that I'm telling the truth when I put down on
your
>> evaluation that you're the greatest f***ing naval officer since Halsey!"
>>
>> Exchange between CO and junior officer trying to conn the ship alongside
>an
>> oiler during refueling: - CO: "Come on, son. Make a decision." - JO:
>"Ummm,
>> er, ah..." - CO: "Fer Crissakes, it's either left or right! I'll give you
>a
>> f***ing hint, the oiler's over there, on our left." - JO: "Oh. Er, 'come
>> left, steer course..." - CO: "Jesus! Gimme that (grabs microphone),
>'steady
>> as she goes.' Sh**, Willy, I think I liked you better when you had your
>> head firmly up your ***."
>>
>> CO to XO aboard an east coast ship, when asked if they could have 'Aloha
>> Fridays' (knock off work at noon on Friday): "Sure XO, no problem. When
>> it's noon in Hawaii, then you can leave."
>>
>> XO to department heads at morning officer's call: - XO: "DON'T MAKE ME
>> MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR YOU!!! YOU DON'T WANT ME TO MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR
>> YOU!!! IF I HAVE TO MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR YOU, I WILL!!!" - OPS: "Sir, you
>> already ARE managing our time for us. It's seven o'clock in the morning
on
>> a Saturday and we're here at work with nothing to do."
>>
>> Ship's Bosun to Ensign, when asked what he was going to do after
>> retirement: "I'm going to Wyoming and lick buffalo scrotums for a nickel
a
>> pop, just so's I can get my self respect back."

Mick · 01-28-2003, 07:33 PM

I hope these weren't all personal experiences!

Big Dog · 01-29-2003, 05:54 AM

Sounds like my ship - she sure wasn't the "Love Boat"!
New XO comes aboard and announces over the 1MC - "There's only one billet for an A#%$ole on this ship, and it's mine!"
He then proved himself right!

cincinnatus1 · 01-29-2003, 02:56 PM

A Master Chief Boatwain's Mate was chewing out a Seaman Apprentice when he saw the look on the kid's face and had an uncharacteristic pang of remorse.

"I suppose you want to p*** on my grave now, eh, kid?"

"Nah, Master Chief, once I leave the Navy I NEVER want to stand in line again!"

jerry · 01-29-2003, 03:13 PM

Yeah,
Hurry up and wait right cincinnatus 1!

cincinnatus1 · 01-29-2003, 03:34 PM

Hi Jerry,

Yup ... of course, that Seaman Deuce may be a little disappointed with civilian life if he thinks there are no lines ...

01-28-2003, 07:33 PM	#2
Mick Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Emerald CQLD AUST Posts: 975 Images: 1	I hope these weren't all personal experiences! __________________ OzHunter Give me a six-pack and a red dirt open road (Adam Brand)

01-29-2003, 05:54 AM	#3
Big Dog Moderator Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Tallahassee, Florida Posts: 10,361	Sounds like my ship - she sure wasn't the "Love Boat"! New XO comes aboard and announces over the 1MC - "There's only one billet for an A#%$ole on this ship, and it's mine!" He then proved himself right! __________________ Moderator of: AR15/M16, M14/M1A, New/Beginning Shooters and Militaria/Collectables.

01-29-2003, 02:56 PM	#4
cincinnatus1 Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 36	A Master Chief Boatwain's Mate was chewing out a Seaman Apprentice when he saw the look on the kid's face and had an uncharacteristic pang of remorse. "I suppose you want to p*** on my grave now, eh, kid?" "Nah, Master Chief, once I leave the Navy I NEVER want to stand in line again!" __________________ Arma virumque cano.

01-29-2003, 03:13 PM	#5
jerry Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Posts: 11,117 Images: 9 Blog Entries: 1	Yeah, Hurry up and wait right cincinnatus 1! __________________ Joe the plumber is screwed

01-29-2003, 03:34 PM	#6
cincinnatus1 Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 36	Hi Jerry, Yup ... of course, that Seaman Deuce may be a little disappointed with civilian life if he thinks there are no lines ... __________________ Arma virumque cano.

01-28-2003, 12:14 PM	#1
jerry Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Posts: 11,117 Images: 9 Blog Entries: 1	For you Navy guys (PG13) STATEMENTS HEARD ABOARD USN SHIPS: >> >> >> CO to Navigator: "Hey dipst, pay attention! Ships have been running >> aground here since Noah was a fing deck seaman." >> >> (same) CO to Supply Officer: "So, lemme guess -- the reason it's taking so >> long to get these parts to get here is that they're made of iron ore mined >> on the dark side of a mountain in Tora-Bora region, by virgin Afghan >> college graduates, right?" >> >> (same) CO to Supply Officer at breakfast on the day the disbursing audit >> kicked off: "You know, I had a really BAD dream last night, it involved >you >> and me in prison with a large man named 'Leroy'." >> >> (same) CO to XO after seeing the schedule for the next day: "What the hell >> is this? You've turned my life into a series of fing unproductive >> meetings!" >> >> (same) CO as he sat down to yet another meeting in a series: "This >> thing had better be over faster than sex with your old lady after you get >> home from (a six month) deployment." >> >> (same) CO to Communications Officer, after being told the reason the >> command circuit was down was not the ship's fault: "COMMO, you'd better >get >> the thing working, and soon, or I'm gonna jam the fing space >> shuttle up your and you're going up there to fix the satellite >> yourself. You got me?" >> >> (same) CO to Navigator: "Debrief??!! You want a debrief? I'll give you a >> debrief! You suck! You fing suck!!!" >> >> OPS commenting to XO on the assignment of a new division officer to his >> department: "I don't need DIVOs, I need useful people." >> >> Chaplain to XO after announcing the ship would be working through the >> weekend: "XO, you're a fing ahole!" >> >> XO to OPS: "I just think up the crazy ideas, it's your job to make 'em >> work!" >> >> Unidentified Ensign to XO, on trying to schedule ship's drills: "I have no >> opinion on that, sir. I'm but a urinal cake in the pissing contest between >> OPS and the Chief Engineer." >> >> Ensign answering the phone at 0230: "Is this something I really need to >get >> out of bed for, of is this just more of OPS's bullst?" >> >> OPS to nobody in particular: "Leadership is a bunch of guys doing exactly >> as I say." >> >> XO to Weapons Officer: "I'm busy. I don't have time to chew your * right >> now. Leave it in my in-box and I'll get to it later." >> >> New Ensign, during a visit to Alexandria, Egypt: "You know what's so >> amazing about this place? It's all so foreign." >> >> XO to CO, while launching a boat to send a couple officers over to the >> flagship for a conference: - "Well sir, I see that OPS and WEPS are on >> their way over..." - "Yeah, there they go: tweedledum and tweedledummer." >> >> New Ensign to OPS, 3rd day after the ship has been underway: "So, when >does >> this watchbill thingy start?" >> >> Chief Engineer to Chief Boiler technician: - "Chief, I didn't know we had >a >> magic genie!?!" - "Sir? What magic genie?" - "The one that's fixing the >> broken lube oil purifier down in #1 main machinery room, 'cause there sure >> as f* ain't nobody else down there doing it!" >> >> OPS to his entire department (at the top of his lungs): "YES! THE XO _IS_ >A >> FING MORON! BUT IT'S OUR JOB TO MAKE HIM LOOK SMART, AND WE'RE NOT >DOING >> A VERY GOOD JOB!" >> >> XO during an 'all officers' meeting: "Stop making me lie on your Fitness >> Reports! I want to know that I'm telling the truth when I put down on your >> evaluation that you're the greatest fing naval officer since Halsey!" >> >> Exchange between CO and junior officer trying to conn the ship alongside >an >> oiler during refueling: - CO: "Come on, son. Make a decision." - JO: >"Ummm, >> er, ah..." - CO: "Fer Crissakes, it's either left or right! I'll give you >a >> fing hint, the oiler's over there, on our left." - JO: "Oh. Er, 'come >> left, steer course..." - CO: "Jesus! Gimme that (grabs microphone), >'steady >> as she goes.' Sh, Willy, I think I liked you better when you had your >> head firmly up your **." >> >> CO to XO aboard an east coast ship, when asked if they could have 'Aloha >> Fridays' (knock off work at noon on Friday): "Sure XO, no problem. When >> it's noon in Hawaii, then you can leave." >> >> XO to department heads at morning officer's call: - XO: "DON'T MAKE ME >> MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR YOU!!! YOU DON'T WANT ME TO MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR >> YOU!!! IF I HAVE TO MANAGE YOUR TIME FOR YOU, I WILL!!!" - OPS: "Sir, you >> already ARE managing our time for us. It's seven o'clock in the morning on >> a Saturday and we're here at work with nothing to do." >> >> Ship's Bosun to Ensign, when asked what he was going to do after >> retirement: "I'm going to Wyoming and lick buffalo scrotums for a nickel a >> pop, just so's I can get my self respect back."