Study Shows Alcohol Effective in Fighting Sobriety
Study Shows Alcohol Effective in Fighting Sobriety
By John Breneman
May 14, 2004, 06:39
A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating the pain and discomfort of sobriety.
A team of researchers at Dartmouth's renowned Tappa Kegga Dei fraternity discovered that moderate to heavy consumption of alcohol provides fast temporary relief from the mental and emotional anguish caused experienced by many Americans.
"The number of people suffering heightened stress and right-brain migraines has skyrocketed," said Dr. Jack Daniels of the Tennessee Bourbon Institute. "Alcohol, booze in layman's terms, can produce an effect medical professionals call 'taking the edge off' or even induce a euphoric semi-conscious state if desired."
The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen by 40% in the year since the president toasted his war victory with that intoxicating "Mission Accomplished" rotgut.
"Let's face it, things are looking pretty bleak. Hatred of America has exploded. All the president's men had a role in dragging us into a hellhole. Three shots of firewater, administered orally, can make the world a little less horrifying," said Professor Glen Livet of the Foundation for Moonshine Research.
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