WASHINGTON, DC (AM) - Congress approved sweeping
legislation, prompted by Attorney General Ted "Hiccup" Kennedy,
which provides new benefits for many
Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act
(AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry
shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major
victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who
lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the
competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful
role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a longtime AWNAA supporter.
"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no
longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be
ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation,
employers will no longer be able to grant special
favors to a small group of workers, simply because
they do a better job, or have some idea of what they
are doing", said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of the US
Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of
providing opportunity without regard to performance.
Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job
skills, making this agency the single largest US
employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of
nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail
sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home
improvement "warehouse" stores (65%).
President Kerry has also set an example, starting with
Attorney General Kennedy, personally selecting hundreds
of Nonabled people for top government positions,
including many cabinet-level jobs.
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than
25 million "middle man" positions will be created,
with important-sounding titles but little real
responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of
purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions
will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even
the most unremarkable employees. The legislation
provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which
maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability
in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and
medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless
worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make
it more difficult to discriminate against the
Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions
such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do
you have any skills or experience which relate to this
job?" and "Are you awake?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up
with people who have something going for them," said
Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister
at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills.
"This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of
other untalented citizens can finally see a light at
the end of the tunnel.
Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide
each and every American citizen, regardless of his or
her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up
in this great nation."
If Kerry Won (satire) 
