Jim Zumbo, Staples Stock Clerk

SPOCAHP ANAR · 02-21-2007, 08:37 PM

by Jeff Goldstein Jeff Goldstein - Wordsmith of the highest caliber

As I write this, I'm opening boxes of Post-It Notes in the main store in southeastern Wyoming with Freddie Svenson, Dayshift Manager for 3M, Grant Vennison, who is senior research engineer for 3M, and several other stock boys. We're testing Freddie's keys to his 1978 Pacer on several boxes of the new, hot-pink Post-It Notes.

I must be living in a vacuum. Grant tells me that the use of 'box cutters' have a rapidly growing following among stockmen, especially office supply workers. I had no clue. Only once in my life have I ever seen anyone using one of these dangerous utensils.

I call them "assault" utensils, which may upset some people. Excuse me, maybe I'm a traditionalist, but I see no place for these weapons among our restocking fraternity. I'll go so far as to call them "terrorist" utilities as they were used in bringing down airplanes on 9-11. They tell me that some companies are producing "safety" blades.

Sorry, folks, in my humble opinion, these things have no place in opening boxes. We don't need to be lumped into the group of people who terrorize the world with them, which is an obvious concern. I've always been comfortable with the statement that stock clerks don't use assault box cutters. We've always been proud of our "just sharp enough keys."

This really has me concerned. As stock replenishers, we don't need the image of walking around the store carrying one of these weapons. To most of the public, an box cutter is a terrifying thing. Let's divorce ourselves from them. I say other departments should ban them from the warehouse and showfloor.

.22guy · 02-21-2007, 08:45 PM

Wow, that's nice. Maybe the first of many variations to follow. Thanks for posting it.

killer · 02-21-2007, 08:49 PM

...

frozentorso · 02-21-2007, 11:48 PM

Maybe my Avalanche should be considered an assault vehicle considering its 4WD, heavy, guzzles gas, and has a brush guard. Could mow down hundreds in one swath!

just_a_car · 02-22-2007, 01:09 AM

A very well-written parody.

frozentorso · 02-22-2007, 10:00 AM

He!!, I could consider my wife's pork chops assault weapons.

Spurzmaker · 02-22-2007, 10:22 AM

well worded, and a good parody

02-21-2007, 08:37 PM	#1
SPOCAHP ANAR Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: SC-upstate Posts: 4,463 Images: 1 Blog Entries: 6	Jim Zumbo, Staples Stock Clerk by Jeff Goldstein Jeff Goldstein - Wordsmith of the highest caliber As I write this, I'm opening boxes of Post-It Notes in the main store in southeastern Wyoming with Freddie Svenson, Dayshift Manager for 3M, Grant Vennison, who is senior research engineer for 3M, and several other stock boys. We're testing Freddie's keys to his 1978 Pacer on several boxes of the new, hot-pink Post-It Notes. I must be living in a vacuum. Grant tells me that the use of 'box cutters' have a rapidly growing following among stockmen, especially office supply workers. I had no clue. Only once in my life have I ever seen anyone using one of these dangerous utensils. I call them "assault" utensils, which may upset some people. Excuse me, maybe I'm a traditionalist, but I see no place for these weapons among our restocking fraternity. I'll go so far as to call them "terrorist" utilities as they were used in bringing down airplanes on 9-11. They tell me that some companies are producing "safety" blades. Sorry, folks, in my humble opinion, these things have no place in opening boxes. We don't need to be lumped into the group of people who terrorize the world with them, which is an obvious concern. I've always been comfortable with the statement that stock clerks don't use assault box cutters. We've always been proud of our "just sharp enough keys." This really has me concerned. As stock replenishers, we don't need the image of walking around the store carrying one of these weapons. To most of the public, an box cutter is a terrifying thing. Let's divorce ourselves from them. I say other departments should ban them from the warehouse and showfloor. __________________ Spocrest Out!..........

02-21-2007, 08:45 PM	#2
.22guy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 5,220	Wow, that's nice. Maybe the first of many variations to follow. Thanks for posting it. __________________ My first priority will be to reinstate the assault weapons ban as soon as I take office.

02-21-2007, 08:49 PM	#3
killer Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Minnesota Posts: 948 Images: 6	... __________________ "Yeee Hawww...I'm a cowboy on an iron horse." Killer's cabin: http://buckmountainchateau.com/

02-21-2007, 11:48 PM	#4
frozentorso Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: North East Texas Posts: 591	Maybe my Avalanche should be considered an assault vehicle considering its 4WD, heavy, guzzles gas, and has a brush guard. Could mow down hundreds in one swath! __________________ "I'm your huckleberry. Thats just my game!"

02-22-2007, 10:00 AM	#6
frozentorso Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: North East Texas Posts: 591	He!!, I could consider my wife's pork chops assault weapons. __________________ "I'm your huckleberry. Thats just my game!"

02-22-2007, 01:09 AM	#5
just_a_car Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Edmonds, WA Posts: 4,091	A very well-written parody.

02-22-2007, 10:22 AM	#7
Spurzmaker Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: San Luis Valley Colorado Posts: 334 Images: 2	well worded, and a good parody __________________ Prairie Dogs fear me!