Come together guys I need some advice: Severly troubled

[stikbutter]

My oldest son is 19 now his mother sent him to me back in 2005 when I was living in North Florida. She couldnt control him and he was running a muck. It took me about 2 weeks of kicking his ass to get his mind right.
He worked a full time job respected his elders like he was taught, did very well. I took him with me as an apprentice where he would have to work with full grown men and learn to be mature in his responses and actions. After a6 months I had him sent to another crew away from me to see if he would act up another 6 months.
he did great nothing but good reports, not that they would call me to give me intel or nothing but when I ran across someone he was working with I would ask hows the boy doing. I always got the same response great worker,smart,good with his hands and learns fast ,takes pride in what he does. One guy told me he's the son every father wants big 6'4 strong as a mule smart not lazy what more could you ask for.
I thought great this kid has pulled his head out of his ass and is thinking straight. And he was only 16 at the time.

When we moved up here to TN. he wanted to go home to his mom's, he said TN was to hillbilly for him I didnt think nothing of it and figured he wasnt ready to be that far away from his mom and other brothers and sisters.
He has been back 1 year now and we are back to the same old shit. Running around with all his little hoodlum buddies and back to the same old shit slingin dope because he has money and quit his job, I set up for him. His mom found a bottle of pills so I assume hes eating them as well fighting with his 16 year old brother all the time their poor mother is calling asking me how I did it with them and all the other kids. My answer was simple I kicked ass and took names, they all know the buck stops with me.
But last time I was 4 hrs. away and jumped in the truck and I was there, work wasnt an issue because I was working as a subcontractor so I could make my own hours. Now its a different game I'm 14 hrs. away and I just cant take off from work like that. And I dont know what I could do when I got their because he's 19 now and considered an adult. I can still kick his ass but I cant make him go with me.
He's still managing to stay in school and his grades aarent bad but I dont want to have to go visit him in prison or worse bury him.
I'm not a person to be at a loss for words or actions but I dont really know what to do my other son called me and said if he stays hes gonna come live with me and I said ok, but that doesnt help the other one.
Do we have any attorneys on here that can maybe shed the light on parental rights of a child that is 19 or does anybody have any advice.
Maybe I should send him to Mooseman to live inthe tundra that should get his mind straight again LOL, trying to ease myself sorry.
She called me today crying that he cussed her out and she didnt know what to do anymore. I'm afraid if she throws him out of the house what he will get into then.
And to make matters worse they told me today at work on friday the rest of us are getting a lay off and their just keeping apprentices because they are cheap labor. Not what I needed right now, thats what I hate about the union. It seems the only thing that has gone right is the reloading equipment I found at a good price, lets see if I can hold on to it depends on how long I'm out of work. I'm really beside myself any advice would be nice Thanks ED

[troy2000]

You can make sure someone has air, stikbutter, but you can't breathe for them. I wish I did have some good advice for you, but I don't, beyond hang in there. At nineteen, I doubt you have any parental rights anymore, legally. Of course I'm not a lawyer...

[texnmidwest]

19 is a hard age. I have a 19, 23 and 26 year old step sons. One has been a challenge but is doing OK now. There were times when the going was rough. But nothing like I saw my brother go through with his step son. He had a nightmare time with him. But, now at 24 he is doing well again.

If I had any advice to give it would be to love him. BUT, protect yourself as well. You are right on the money when you said he knew the buck stops with you. He needs your strength. He needs to know you believe in him. He may not accept your words or actions. But he needs to know you are still there for him. Kids make some bad decisions. But through it all we need to be there for them. Setting the boundries. Kickin' their rear. Not letting them take advantage of us, but still being there to guide them no matter how little they listen. When I was a kid that is what kept me from going over the deep end. I knew my dad would not take any sh*t but would be there to advise me.

I can tell you love your son. That love will take him a long way. I am sure he will be OK. Just let him know you are not leaving his life no matter what he does.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You have a lot on your plate. I wish I could help more but know that you have friends who care.

God bless.

Tex

[varmit_slayer]

I'm19 and used to be kind of wild. I calmed down alot after one incident when the law got involved. He'll grow out of it. everyone does, it just takes some people a little longer.

[stikbutter]

Tex your right in every word I got his back no matter what. He didnt ask to come to this world but by god he damb sure isnt making it easy. I get so mad I want to grab him by the neck and squeeze till his eye pop, he knows better than this by far, and he also knows that his mother is only gonna call me so many times till I load up and go down their. Maybe thats what he wants and dont want to say ,I dont know. I'll be up all night thinking about this his mom gonna call me when he gets home from school. Maybe I can get thru to him over the phone but I doubt it, but I will keep trying none the less. He really is a good kid I just dont understand. And I dont say good kid because hes mine, I got another one a stepson thats a real P.O.S steals from his grandparents and all kind of other stuff and has always been a problem. But I got his back to and he knows it he just has to pull his head out of his ass.
T2K your right I can lead them to the water but I cant make them drink, but I'll keep trying.

[nathangdad]

Everything is not your fault so don't go around
being crushed by guilt. This is an individual making decisions on his own. Know you made a more than honest effort and keep holding your head up high.

Tell your son it is his time to make a decision as to which fork in the road of life to take. If he takes one fork you will be there to help him move forward. If he takes another fork the consequences are his burden and his alone.

I know this sounds like tough love but our family went through it so I am a kindred spirit
to you.

You cannot live someone else's life for them.
Certainly I do not wish death for this person but often a horrific experience or jail will straighten a person up. If it comes to this
let him know he must go through the experience alone but you will still be there for him when it is over should he then choose the correct fork in the road. It is important if it comes to this to know that love and support, even if conditional, are out there waiting on him.

I hope you do not take this a cruel because it is not meant to be cruel. We went though this and I am speaking as someone looking from the viewpoint of the passage of time and greater experience.

Always keep yourself on an even keel and never let anyone else, or yourself for that matter, break you down with guilt or second guessing. You must stay strong for yourself and others in your life.

Best of luck and if you want to e-mail converse personally away from this forum leave me a message.

[stikbutter]

Originally Posted by varmit_slayer

I'm19 and used to be kind of wild. I calmed down alot after one incident when the law got involved. He'll grow out of it. everyone does, it just takes some people a little longer.

Your right! I was a slow learner I gang bang till I was 26 and other things. One day I said enough and that was it, but the barrel of a 12 ga. in my mouth helped alot to change me. I had kids to take care of and that was that. But its alot different now then when I was going thru it.

[Cyrano]

stikbutter, you do have one thing going for you, if I've read your postings correctly. Your 19 year old does not have a criminal record. That's good.

My suggestion? Send the local USMC recruiter to talk to him. At least some of what you have told me he is doing indicates he is trying to prove to himself that he's a real man and not a kid who has to take parental crap any more. Properly presented to him, the challenge of making it through Parris Island and a hitch in the Corps would forever remove anyone's doubts as to whether he's a man or not. It would be the best thing in the world for him. Worth a shot, at least.

[Brother Bob]

I think it's time for another "attitude adjustment" from Dad! He's your son and even though he's 19, he's not flying right and it's time for you to step up to the plate and get his attention,......... again! I don't envy you. I was blessed with three girls, but that's another horror story all its own! It's time for junior to straighten up or leave. I know you love him, but it's time for "tough love"! Take his butt down and enlist him in the Marines, Navy, Air Force, or Army! They are quite efficient in getting the B.S. out of youngsters and turning them into men and women! It worked for me. Good luck my friend. Brother Bob

[snuffysmith]

Stik, I am speaking from my own experience with my son. One of the hardest things I ever did was when he was 18 and left home as soon as he could; was let him loose. I told him "well son, you're old enough to make up your own mind and I am going to treat you like a man from now own. And I did. He had been in scrapes with the law, (long story) and eventually did a year and a half in the pen in Fla. It broke my heart but it helped straighten him out. Meeting a good women finally turned him into a man.
Your son is a man at 19, whether he is acting like it or not. It sounds like you did a good job of steering him straight while he was with you, and you can't blaim yourself now, He has to make his own choices now; like we all do. Hope this helps, hang in there and my prayers are with you.

Snuffy

[Mooseman684]

You send him to me, I'll put his butt in a wall tent out in the yard with a wood stove...give him an axe and he will have to keep cutting wood to keep warm...He wont have time to get in trouble.
Then if he wants to eat he has to cut firewood for me too and I burn a lot !!! If he wants money for necessities, He can clear land for me and cut brush.Haul water etc...Farm Wages...LOL
Rich

[ArkansasHunter]

Stikbutter I've got your back . I will lift you, your son and ex wife up to the Lord in prayer.
The Lord is our only hope in this life, he allows us to bring all our prayers boldly to his thrown of grace no matter how bad we are.
He forgives and heals everything.
Jesus said too. What so ever and what so ever 2 or 3 of you shall agree apon as in touching it, in my name ! I will do it for you.
So lets all agree in prayer, In Jesus name that this young man will turn his life around.

And the Lord will do it...Who better can best handle us ? Mike

[KGunner]

I'm 20, and was never a problem kid because I knew if I screwed up, my ass was grass and there wasn't any way around it. Seems like his problem is, is that he doesn't have any real dreams. What does he want to be when he "grows up?" Without something to work towards there is no reason to act right. I am studying to be a teacher, and know any run in I have with the law basically throws over 3 years of schooling and over $125,000 in student loans in my name right down the shitter. Give him something to work towards.

[Mooseman684]

The lord also said "Spare the Rod and Spoil the child..." where the heck is my rod at ???

[ArkansasHunter]

Moose in another place in the bible it says Break a reed and beat them with it, they want break !!! LOL...A.H

[Mooseman684]

My mom used Peach tree limbs...Hot wheels tracks, and Dads Belt...I now wish I had gotten more of it !
Rich

[stikbutter]

Thats what I'm talking about Moose old school education, I'm a dinosaur to thats the way I was taught you screw up and its hard labor. Dad use to sing the theme from Beretta ( Dont do the crime if you cant do the time Yeaaah Dont do it ) god I hated that. I sing it to mine as well it worked for me and it works on them too. I havent sang it to him since he went back. He should be out of school now I,m gonna call him and sing the song. I'll be back.
Snuffy,Bob and cyrano your ideas of the military have passed thru my dome piece a couple of times tonight and it would probably be best. And tuff love is here. If he cant get it right I'm gonna have to toss him out of his moms house because she dont got what its gonna take. And shes at a lost and wants me to deal with it now. And I already told her if she calls for fire and brimstone to fall from the sky it will so to be sure, because when I come it gonna be no fun.
Just really breaks my heart and disappoints me that he has jumped into the same can again. Bad habits are hard to break I guess.
OK I'm gonna go sing now I'll be back

KGunner he wants to be an Architectural Eng. He is going to school at Miami Dade Community Colleage. Whan they tested him to see where to place him , he scored high enough to start as a second year. He's lost site.

[Lng Rng]

Well stikbutter, im about to be 20, so i'll try my best.

I never did get into any crap too deep, at least as far as the law was concerned. That was mainly due to what you have already done; old school parenting, and working.

Part of me says that he is getting away with this business with is mother is because he thinks/knows that he can. If she has anything that she can take away from him that he will truely miss, do it. Or, instead of telling him to get out of the house, tell him if he wants to be welcome in either of your houses, he has to get a job-and make him show you soild proof that he has a job every pay period.

Or, if you really feel like punishing him, send him up here and I will take him ice fishing. This past weekend the wind chill was about -43. I know a boy from the south wouldn't like that!

[jerry]

My 19 year old is living in my driveway in the camper because I can't let him in the house because he stole from us. He quit HS last year with less than one credit to go. He has no money becasue of bills and court fees for driving with no ins. leaving scene of accident, so on and so on. He has no vehicle, I have to haul him to and from work everyday.

Yee Haw!

[billy]

what ended up happining to me was .
my folks kicked me out on my ass and hoped for the best.
i wouldnt do what they told me to so i got the door.

BTW out of 3 brothers i am the only one that finished high school and went to college.
and i have a clean record.

it can be done .
your boy will probably snap out of it.

i was out of the house when i was 17