another email sent to me and thus forwarded to you all for your reading pleasure. the laughs are on me folks.
On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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Upon landing, a Westjet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!"
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
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The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I now what you're all thinking ... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt."
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated that, in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result. Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer and said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways."
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!
"This is the captain, We'll be cruising at an altitude of thirty-six thousand feet, at a speed of five hundred forty miles per hour, we expect a smooth flight with an on time arrival. Our weather at destination is clear, sunny, and seventy degrees."
"My first officer, Kim Johnson, is packing a Tactical Smith & Wesson in forty calibre, the Flight engineer, Bill Murphy, is useing a Browning High Power in ten millimeter. My side arm is a satin stainless steel Caspian Combat Commander in forty-five ACP, with jacketed hollowpoints, capable of punching through threat level two body armor at thirty feet and leaving a hole in your chest the size of the Grand Canyon, which you should see out the left side windows at about ten o'clock. Feel free to move about the cabin, do not approach the flight deck, and thank you for flying United."
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Life is too important to be taken seriously.
