With all the Arkansas jokes lately, I had to put this up!!!! :-)
25 ways to annoy a Yankee..........
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words as if they had two syllables.
3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses them no end!
4. Talk REAL slow, and (even when you hear them the first time) always ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a "Coke."
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie, John Michael, Jim Bob, etc. . . .)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies . . . preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba".
18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut off" lights. "Carry" the kids to school. Always remember (especially in Texas) it's not a "pond", it's a "tank."
20. Never simply "do" something. Always be "fixin' to do" something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations . . . Offends the devil out of 'em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP.
Anyway, turn right there . . . " "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town . . . "
24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
A Southerner is having his breakfast (coffee, grits, biscuits, and jam) when a Northerner chewing obnoxiously on gum sits down next to him.
The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole
slice?"
Southerner : "Yep."
Northerner: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up North, we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."
The Northerner has a smirk on his face. The Southerner listens in
silence.
The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"
Southerner: "Yep."
Northerner: (cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and
chuckling). "We don't. Up North after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam, and then send it down South.
Then the Southerner asks: "Y'all have sex up North?"
Northerner: "Why of course we do", the Northerner says, as he pops
another big bubble.
Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use 'em?"
Northerner: "We throw them away, of course.
Southerner: We don't. Down South we put 'em in a jar, recycle 'em,
melt'em down into chewing gum and sell 'em to you Yankees."
