*This is a long read...but it's hilarious! Thrillbilly
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A
> guy who purchased his
> lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted
> this:
>
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
> & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary
> and I was looking
> for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
>
>
> What
> I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
> The effects of the
> taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
> adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety....??
>
>
> WAY TOO COOL!
>
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home. I loaded two
> AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
>
>
>
> Nothing! I was disappointed.
>
>
> I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
> pressed it against a
> metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
> electricity darting back
> and forth between the prongs.
>
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to
> Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
> to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
> batteries,
> right?
>
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
> intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and
> thinking that I really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
> target.
>
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
> (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
>
>
>
> But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
> protect herself
> against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
> work as
> advertised.
>
> Am I wrong?
>
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> with my reading glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
> one hand, and taser
> in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst
> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
> burst was supposed to
> cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst
> would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
> like a fish out of
> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
> the batteries.
>
>
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device
> measuring about 5' long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
> (loaded with two
> itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
> possible
> way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond
> description, but
> I'll do my best...?
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking
> on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
> 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning
> that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
> couldn't hurt all that
> bad.
>
>
> I decided to give myself a one second burst just for
> heck of it. I
> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
> and . ..
> HOLY
> MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT
> THE
> H***!!!
>
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
> the side door, picked me up
> in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
> over and over and over
> again.
>
>
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, with tears
> in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
> testicles nowhere to be
> found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position, and
> tingling in my legs?
>
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before, clinging to a
> picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
> attempt to avoid
> getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
> room.
>
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug'
> yourself with a taser, one note
> of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst
> when you zap
> yourself!
>
> You will not let go of that thing until it is
> dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
> the floor. A three
> second burst would be considered conservative?
>
>
>
> SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE ****!!!
>
> A minute or so
> later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), I collected
> my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
> landscape.
>
>
>
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
> fireplace. The
> recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
> it originally was.
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching.
>
>
>
> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
> and my bottom lip
> weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
>
>
>
> Apparently I s*** myself, but was too numb to know
> for sure and my sense
> of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
> which I believe came
> from my hair.
>
>
> I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
> offering a significant reward for
> their safe return!!
>
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
> threatens me with
> it!
>
__________________ I'm here for a good time, to h*ll with the red wine, pour me some moonshine!
LOL I've read this several times since I got the email...I STILL laugh when I read it!
I aint never tried a stun gun....but I have tried a cattle prod....and THOSE HURT!!!!
__________________ I'm here for a good time, to h*ll with the red wine, pour me some moonshine!
