Scienceman purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this : Last weekend at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop Scienceman was looking for a little something extra for his wife. What he came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow his wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, He bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! he was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if he pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; he'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and he'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, he has'nt yet to explain to his wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so Scienceman was home alone with this new toy, thinking to himself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There he sat in his recliner, his loveing cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while Scienceman was reading the directions and thinking that he really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. Scienceman thought about zapping his cat (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if he was going to give this thing to his wife to protect herself against a mugger, He wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong he thought ? So, there Scienceman sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of his nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, Scienceman is sitting there alone, his cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. He decided to give him self a one-second burst just for the heck of it. So he touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!! It seemed pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked him up in the recliner, and body slammed Scienceman and kitty cat both on the carpet, over and over and over again. He vaguely recalled waking up on his side in the fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with his left arm tucked under his body in the oddest position, and tingling in his legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (Scienceman was'nt sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), He collected what little wits he had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. His bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? His triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. His face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and his bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. He's still looking for his testicles!! He's offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock, Scienceman.
