New Study Too Frightening To Release

billy · 11-06-2009, 08:23 AM

PALO ALTO, CA–Researchers at Stanford University are refusing to release a comprehensive three-year interdisciplinary study on the grounds that the results are "too terrifying to reveal to the public at large," sources close to the project announced Monday.
"In light of their profoundly disturbing nature, we have decided that it is in the best interest of public safety to withhold the results our study," said Dr. Desmond Oerter, head of the Stanford team. "So soul-shaking are the conclusions we have drawn, they would, if released, result in no less than the total breakdown of societal order, including the abandonment of the current political and economic system, rioting, looting, mass suicide and even, quite possibly, global thermonuclear war."
"I beg the forgiveness of God for unleashing this hellish study upon humanity," added Oerter, dropping to his knees. "I am death, destroyer of worlds."

At a press conference later that afternoon, Stanford president Gerhard Casper assured members of the general public that steps are being taken to prevent the release of what is being called "The Study Which Must Not Be Named."

"All primary data gathered in the study have been destroyed, as have all research materials used by those involved," Casper said. "The world must never know what was learned here."

texnmidwest · 11-06-2009, 08:35 AM

OK, let me guess....they found that a fart has cancer causing aromatic substances in it and can be deadly in an enclosed space such as elevators.

billy · 11-06-2009, 08:37 AM

we may never know.

( "The world must never know what was learned here." )

woody1981 · 11-06-2009, 08:54 AM

I think I know what it is. If it's from Stanford, or anywhere else in California, it has something to do with BS.

Great post, Billy!

texnmidwest · 11-06-2009, 09:04 AM

NO! NO! NO!!!! Ya, gotta understand! That is California and they study stuff no one else will look at!

I have my sources....an anonymous source has told me that the study was indeed studying flatulence and based on the results the California legislature is introducing a bill that would make it illegal to poot in public places! Especially, stiff penalties for women who break this law! Everyone knows how deadly that could be!

billy · 11-06-2009, 09:13 AM

apparently some of the original researchers have commited suicide and others have gone insane.

Deersniper · 11-06-2009, 09:15 AM

Will that fart be regulated and taxed? Al Gore is going to be rich! Methane Alert!

meandkc · 11-06-2009, 09:21 AM

They found extraterrestrial life.

Earl Easter · 11-06-2009, 09:22 AM

There were over 35 involved in that study. This was in 1999..
Seems the good Dr. Dresmond Oerter poked his both eyes with two ballpoint pens and drove them into his brain till he succumbed to his own death. Well as President Clinton moved most of the Nuclear arsenal and directed them to the Bay area one only knows..

Must have been a pretty good interdisciplinary study.......

bigbuddy21 · 11-06-2009, 09:23 AM

they found BIGFOOT billy you better run.

Cyrano · 11-06-2009, 09:32 AM

Lest we all start screaming "The sky is falling!" let it be noted this is a ten year old item from the satirical/humorous weekly The Onion.

Personally, I was hoping it was a study that showed something on the order of this:

Obama is the Antichrist and Armageddon began at noon on January 20, 2009. The trouble was, the great unwashed were so busy celebrating, they didn't notice.

srt 10 jimbo · 11-06-2009, 09:47 AM

Will a .45 with +p ammo take down a bigfoot?

bigbuddy21 · 11-06-2009, 09:48 AM

no nothing less than a mosin/nagant will work.

ArkansasHunter · 11-06-2009, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by srt 10 jimbo

Will a .45 with +p ammo take down a bigfoot?

Take my advice from haveing 3 encounters with a Big Foots. The 45 would certainly kill them up close and probable severly wound them.
But when angered I don't think you could stop there charge.

If you see one and it see's you just leave, back out. You will be scarder than you've ever been in your life.
Your breathing and heart will be in high gear and I'm sure some people will start squalling from fear.

But try not to be this way, they want attack unless you provike them and it's hard to do that.

Just get out of there area and they'll soon be gone to. I found there nomadict and don't hang around long.

samuel · 11-06-2009, 10:02 AM

Sigh,whimp,sob,sob,sob,whine,whine,shake,shake harder,call on GOD,the devil,and government to save me.turn myself in for PTS.Obuma,Obuma,Obuma! ,,,sam.

BenchRest · 11-06-2009, 10:19 AM

So soul-shaking are the conclusions we have drawn, they would, if released, result in no less than the total breakdown of societal order, including the abandonment of the current political and economic system, rioting, looting, mass suicide and even, quite possibly, global thermonuclear war.

When they include quite possibly it's old news.

Earl Easter · 11-06-2009, 10:32 AM

I still believe it would make a great Saturday Night Live skit don't you....ROTFLMBO

Kaybe · 11-06-2009, 02:10 PM

Soylent green is made of people! Soylent green is made of people!

Mooseman684 · 11-06-2009, 02:41 PM

ANother Onion story...LOL

Huey Rider · 11-06-2009, 02:47 PM

Quick Hide!Ninja Turdles are escaping the sewer system!!!!

11-06-2009, 08:23 AM	#1
billy Moderator Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: a secret lab on the shores of lake titicaca Posts: 19,731 Images: 10 Blog Entries: 161	New Study Too Frightening To Release PALO ALTO, CA–Researchers at Stanford University are refusing to release a comprehensive three-year interdisciplinary study on the grounds that the results are "too terrifying to reveal to the public at large," sources close to the project announced Monday. "In light of their profoundly disturbing nature, we have decided that it is in the best interest of public safety to withhold the results our study," said Dr. Desmond Oerter, head of the Stanford team. "So soul-shaking are the conclusions we have drawn, they would, if released, result in no less than the total breakdown of societal order, including the abandonment of the current political and economic system, rioting, looting, mass suicide and even, quite possibly, global thermonuclear war." "I beg the forgiveness of God for unleashing this hellish study upon humanity," added Oerter, dropping to his knees. "I am death, destroyer of worlds." At a press conference later that afternoon, Stanford president Gerhard Casper assured members of the general public that steps are being taken to prevent the release of what is being called "The Study Which Must Not Be Named." "All primary data gathered in the study have been destroyed, as have all research materials used by those involved," Casper said. "The world must never know what was learned here." __________________ Last edited by billy; 11-06-2009 at 08:25 AM.

11-06-2009, 08:35 AM	#2
texnmidwest Some People's kids.... Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: South east Wisconsin Posts: 6,978	OK, let me guess....they found that a fart has cancer causing aromatic substances in it and can be deadly in an enclosed space such as elevators. __________________ never pass up a bathroom, never waste a ** , and never trust a fart.

11-06-2009, 08:37 AM	#3
billy Moderator Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: a secret lab on the shores of lake titicaca Posts: 19,731 Images: 10 Blog Entries: 161	we may never know. ( "The world must never know what was learned here." ) __________________

11-06-2009, 08:54 AM	#4
woody1981 One of the Usual Suspects Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: southwest PA Posts: 1,360 Images: 4 Blog Entries: 1	I think I know what it is. If it's from Stanford, or anywhere else in California, it has something to do with BS. Great post, Billy! __________________ A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity.”~Freud

11-06-2009, 09:04 AM	#5
texnmidwest Some People's kids.... Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: South east Wisconsin Posts: 6,978	NO! NO! NO!!!! Ya, gotta understand! That is California and they study stuff no one else will look at! I have my sources....an anonymous source has told me that the study was indeed studying flatulence and based on the results the California legislature is introducing a bill that would make it illegal to poot in public places! Especially, stiff penalties for women who break this law! Everyone knows how deadly that could be! __________________ never pass up a bathroom, never waste a ** , and never trust a fart.

11-06-2009, 09:13 AM	#6
billy Moderator Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: a secret lab on the shores of lake titicaca Posts: 19,731 Images: 10 Blog Entries: 161	apparently some of the original researchers have commited suicide and others have gone insane. __________________

11-06-2009, 09:15 AM	#7
Deersniper Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 3,611	Will that fart be regulated and taxed? Al Gore is going to be rich! Methane Alert!

11-06-2009, 09:21 AM	#8
meandkc Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 29	They found extraterrestrial life.

11-06-2009, 09:22 AM	#9
Earl Easter Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 2,133 Images: 20	There were over 35 involved in that study. This was in 1999.. Seems the good Dr. Dresmond Oerter poked his both eyes with two ballpoint pens and drove them into his brain till he succumbed to his own death. Well as President Clinton moved most of the Nuclear arsenal and directed them to the Bay area one only knows.. Must have been a pretty good interdisciplinary study.......

11-06-2009, 09:23 AM	#10
bigbuddy21 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: new albany in. Posts: 1,432 Images: 5	they found BIGFOOT billy you better run. __________________ LAND OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE! AN UNARMED POPULACE IS EASILY CONTROLLED...... A. HITLER

11-06-2009, 09:32 AM	#11
Cyrano Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: New York Posts: 6,931	Lest we all start screaming "The sky is falling!" let it be noted this is a ten year old item from the satirical/humorous weekly The Onion. Personally, I was hoping it was a study that showed something on the order of this: Obama is the Antichrist and Armageddon began at noon on January 20, 2009. The trouble was, the great unwashed were so busy celebrating, they didn't notice.

11-06-2009, 09:47 AM	#12
srt 10 jimbo Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Fort Lauderdale Posts: 300	Will a .45 with +p ammo take down a bigfoot? __________________

11-06-2009, 09:48 AM	#13
bigbuddy21 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: new albany in. Posts: 1,432 Images: 5	no nothing less than a mosin/nagant will work. __________________ LAND OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE! AN UNARMED POPULACE IS EASILY CONTROLLED...... A. HITLER

11-06-2009, 10:02 AM	#15
samuel Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 10,916	Sigh,whimp,sob,sob,sob,whine,whine,shake,shake harder,call on GOD,the devil,and government to save me.turn myself in for PTS.Obuma,Obuma,Obuma! ,,,sam.

11-06-2009, 10:19 AM	#16
BenchRest Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: VA Posts: 325	So soul-shaking are the conclusions we have drawn, they would, if released, result in no less than the total breakdown of societal order, including the abandonment of the current political and economic system, rioting, looting, mass suicide and even, quite possibly, global thermonuclear war. When they include quite possibly it's old news.

11-06-2009, 10:32 AM	#17
Earl Easter Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 2,133 Images: 20	I still believe it would make a great Saturday Night Live skit don't you....ROTFLMBO

11-06-2009, 02:10 PM	#18
Kaybe Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Northcentral Ohio Posts: 641	Soylent green is made of people! Soylent green is made of people! __________________ Some people are alive simply because it is illegal to kill them.

11-06-2009, 02:41 PM	#19
Mooseman684 Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Alaska Wilderness. Unit 13 Posts: 11,316 Images: 2	ANother Onion story...LOL __________________ You know you might be facing your doom,when all you get is a click when you're expecting a BOOM!

11-06-2009, 02:47 PM	#20
Huey Rider Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Great Lakes Region Posts: 77	Quick Hide!Ninja Turdles are escaping the sewer system!!!! __________________ Do not fear the night. Fear what's in the night.