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New Study Too Frightening To Release
PALO ALTO, CA–Researchers at Stanford University are refusing to release a comprehensive three-year interdisciplinary study on the grounds that the results are "too terrifying to reveal to the public at large," sources close to the project announced Monday.
"In light of their profoundly disturbing nature, we have decided that it is in the best interest of public safety to withhold the results our study," said Dr. Desmond Oerter, head of the Stanford team. "So soul-shaking are the conclusions we have drawn, they would, if released, result in no less than the total breakdown of societal order, including the abandonment of the current political and economic system, rioting, looting, mass suicide and even, quite possibly, global thermonuclear war."
"I beg the forgiveness of God for unleashing this hellish study upon humanity," added Oerter, dropping to his knees. "I am death, destroyer of worlds."
At a press conference later that afternoon, Stanford president Gerhard Casper assured members of the general public that steps are being taken to prevent the release of what is being called "The Study Which Must Not Be Named."
"All primary data gathered in the study have been destroyed, as have all research materials used by those involved," Casper said. "The world must never know what was learned here."
__________________ "I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to."
NO! NO! NO!!!! Ya, gotta understand! That is California and they study stuff no one else will look at!
I have my sources....an anonymous source has told me that the study was indeed studying flatulence and based on the results the California legislature is introducing a bill that would make it illegal to poot in public places! Especially, stiff penalties for women who break this law! Everyone knows how deadly that could be!
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Dedicated to SwedeSteve, Arkansashunter and Ezearln. Rest in peace my friends.
There were over 35 involved in that study. This was in 1999..
Seems the good Dr. Dresmond Oerter poked his both eyes with two ballpoint pens and drove them into his brain till he succumbed to his own death. Well as President Clinton moved most of the Nuclear arsenal and directed them to the Bay area one only knows..
Must have been a pretty good interdisciplinary study.......
Lest we all start screaming "The sky is falling!" let it be noted this is a ten year old item from the satirical/humorous weekly The Onion.
Personally, I was hoping it was a study that showed something on the order of this:
Obama is the Antichrist and Armageddon began at noon on January 20, 2009. The trouble was, the great unwashed were so busy celebrating, they didn't notice.
Take my advice from haveing 3 encounters with a Big Foots. The 45 would certainly kill them up close and probable severly wound them.
But when angered I don't think you could stop there charge.
If you see one and it see's you just leave, back out. You will be scarder than you've ever been in your life.
Your breathing and heart will be in high gear and I'm sure some people will start squalling from fear.
But try not to be this way, they want attack unless you provike them and it's hard to do that.
Just get out of there area and they'll soon be gone to. I found there nomadict and don't hang around long.
Sigh,whimp,sob,sob,sob,whine,whine,shake,shake harder,call on GOD,the devil,and government to save me.turn myself in for PTS.Obuma,Obuma,Obuma! ,,,sam.
So soul-shaking are the conclusions we have drawn, they would, if released, result in no less than the total breakdown of societal order, including the abandonment of the current political and economic system, rioting, looting, mass suicide and even, quite possibly, global thermonuclear war.
New Study Too Frightening To Release 
