M14/M1A: Clunky, heavy, and overpowered. Essentially a Garand tarted up with a removable
magazine, in a half-baked attempt to adapt a 19th century rifle design philosophy to the
mid-20th century. Most often named as favorite infantry rifle by people who never had to
hump a 10-pound wood-stocked rifle with lots of sharp protrusions and no collapsible
anything on a three day exercise, or try to make it through a firefight with the standard
battle load of five 20-round magazines.
AK-47: Crude and inaccurate bullet thrower designed by and for illiterate peasants.
Chambered in a caliber that manages to cut the ballistics of a proper .30-caliber battle
rifle in half without passing on any weight savings to the grunt. Ergonomics only
suitable for Russian midgets. Archaic cable trigger spring, crummy sights, no sight
radius to speak of, no bolt hold-open device, and a clumsy safety. Favorite infantry
rifle of Middle Eastern goat herders, guys named Abdullah, and backwoods militia types
who like the fact that it shoots cheap ammo and has ballistics like their familiar .30-30.
H&K G-3/HK-91: Ergonomics of a railroad tie. No bolt release, and a locking system that
requires three men and a mule to work the cocking handle. Fluted chamber that mauls
brass, and violent bolt motion that dings the brass that didn't get mauled too badly by
the chamber. Stamped sheet metal construction, yet just as heavy as a milled steel M14.
Safety lever that requires unnaturally long thumbs, and a trigger pull that feels like
dragging a piano across a gravel road with your index finger. Favorite infantry rifle of
Cold War nostalgics and third world commandos.
M-16/AR-15: Underpowered varmint rifle burdened by a crummy magazine design. Nasty
direct-impingement gas system that poops where it eats. High sight line, flimsy
alloy-and-plastic construction. Generally favored by range commandos, tactical disciples,
military vets who have never fired anything else for comparison, and Brownells addicts
who a.) enjoy spending three times the cost on the rifle on bolt-on accouterments, and
b.) never have to use their rifle away from a dry, sunny range.
G-36: Flimsy plastic rifle with non-user adjustable fair-weather optics that fog up when
a gnat breaks wind in front of them. Magazines that take up twice as much pouch space
than others in the same caliber because of the “clever” coupling nubs on the magazine
housing. Skeleton folding stock that is about as suitable for butt-stroking as a plastic
mess spork. Twice as expensive as other rifles in its class because of the “HK” logo on
the receiver. Preferred infantry rifle of SWAT cops, and soldiers whose militaries
haven?t been in shooting conflicts since the 1940s.
Glock: Butt-ugly plastic shooting appliance with the ergonomics of a caulking gun.
Five-pound trigger with no external safety makes it ill-suited for its target market
(cops who shoot a hundred rounds a year for qualification). Favored by gangbangers
because the product name is short and rhymes with other short, rap-friendly words.
Beretta 92F/M9: Clunky and overweight rip-off of a clunky and overweight German design
from the 1930s. Shear-happy locking block, ergonomics that are only suited for
linebackers, barely adequate sights that are partially non-replaceable, and low capacity
for its size. Favored by Eighties action movie fanatics and John Woo freaks.
1911: Overweight and overly complex piece of late 19th century technology. Low capacity,
useless sights in stock form, and a field-stripping procedure that requires three hands.
Favored by people who are at the cutting edge of handgun technology and combat
shooting of the 1960s.
H&K P7: Wildly overpriced, heavy for its size, low capacity in most iterations, and
blessed with a finish that rusts if you give the gun a moist glance. Gas tube has a
tendency to roast the trigger finger after a box or two of ammo at the range. Favored by
gun snobs who think that paying twice as much for half the rounds means four times the
fighting skill.
SIG Sauer: Top-heavy bricks with the rust resistance of an untreated iron nail at the
bottom of a bucket of saltwater. Ergonomically sound, if you have size XXL mitts. Some
minor parts made in Germany, so the manufacturer can charge 75% Teutonic Gnome Magic
premium. Favored by Jack Bauer fans and wannabe Sky Marshals/Secret Service agents.
S&W Revolvers: Archaic hand weapons from a bygone era, the missing link between
flintlocks and autoloaders. Low capacity, and reloading requires a lunch break. Heavy for
their capacity, unless you're talking about airweight snubbies, which hurt as much on the
giving end as they do on the receiving end. Rare stoppages, but few malfunctions that
don't require gunsmith services, which are hard to come by in a gunfight. Favored by
crusty old farts who just now got around to trusting newfangled smokeless powder, and
Dirty Harry fans with unrealistic ideas about the power of Magnum rounds vs. engine
blocks.
SMLE/Enfield: Refinement of a 19th century blackpowder design. Weapon of choice for
militaries who either couldn't afford Mausers, or had ideological hangups about Kraut
rifles. Rimlock-prone cartridge that only barely classifies as a battle rifle round
because of blackpowder derivation and insufficient lock strength of the platform. Favored
by Canadians with WWII nostalgia, and people who think that semi-auto rifles are a
passing fad.
Browning HP: Fragile frame designed around a popgun round. Near-useless safety in stock
form that?s only suitable for the thumbs of elementary schoolers. Strangest and most
circuitous way to trip a sear ever put into a handgun. Favored by wannabe SAS commandos,
wannabe mercenaries, and Anglophiles who think that hammer-down, chamber-empty carry is
the most appropriate way to carry a defensive sidearm.
Benelli shotguns: Plastic boutique scatterguns made by people with the martial acumen of
dairy cows. Hideously expensive, and therefore popular with police agencies that get
their equipment financed by tax dollars.
FN FAL: Long and lightweight receiver that's impossible to scope properly. Overpowered
round, twenty-round magazines that run dry in a blink, and an overall weapon length
that's only suitable for Napoleonic line infantry, but utterly useless for airborne and
armored infantry. Made by Belgians, a nation with a military history that is limited to
waving German divisions through at the border. Favored by Falklands veterans,
Commonwealth fanboys, and people who think that dial-a-recoil gas systems are the epitome
of infantry technology.
9mm Luger: European popgun round that's only popular because the ammo is cheap for a
centerfire cartridge. Cheap ammo is a good thing for 9mm aficionados, because anything
bigger and more dangerous than a cranky raccoon will likely require multiple well-placed
hits. Wildly popular all over the world, mostly in countries where people don?t carry
guns, and cops don't have to actually shoot people with theirs.
.45ACP: Chunky low-pressure cartridge that hogs magazine space and requires a
low-capacity design (if the gun needs to fit human hands) or a grip with the
circumference of a two-liter soda bottle (if the gun needs to hold more than seven
rounds). Disturbingly prone to bullet setback, expensive to reload, fits only into big
and clunky guns, and a recoil that has an inversely proportionate relationship with
muzzle energy.
.40S&W: Neutered compromise version of a compromise cartridge. Even more setback-happy
than the .45ACP, and setbacks are much more dangerous because of higher pressure and
smaller case volume. Manages to sacrifice both the capacity of the 9mm and the bullet
diameter of the .45. Twice the recoil of the 9mm for 10% more muzzle energy.
.357SIG: Highly overpriced boutique round that does the .40S&W one worse:
it manages to share the capacity penalty of the .40 while retaining the small bullet diameter of the
9mm. Noisy, sharp recoil, and 100% cost penalty for ballistics that can be matched by a
good 9mm +P+ load. Penetrates like the dickens, which means that the Air Marshals just
had to adopt it?only to load their guns with frangible bullets to make sure they don't
penetrate like the dickens.
.38 Special: Legacy design with a case length that's 75% longer than necessary for the
mediocre ballistics of the round due to its blackpowder heritage. On the plus side, the
case length makes it easy to handle when reloading the gun. This is a good thing because
anyone using their .38 in self-defense against a 250-pound attacker hopped up on crack
will need to empty the gun multiple times.
.32ACP: Inadequate for anything more thick-skinned than Northeastern squirrels or inbred
Austrian archdukes. Semi-rimmed cartridge that is rimlock-happy in modern lightweight
autoloaders. Doesn't go fast enough to expand a hollowpoint bullet, and it wouldn't
matter even if it did, because the bullet would only expand from tiny to small-ish.
.44 Magnum: Overpowered round that generates manageable recoil and muzzle blast if you're
a 300-pound linebacker with wrists like steel girders. Often loaded to "Lite" levels that
turn it into a noisy .44 Special while retaining the ego-preserving Magnum headstamp.
Considered the "most powerful handgun cartridge in the world" by people whose gun
knowledge is either stuck in 1960, or who get their expertise in ballistics from Dirty
Harry movies.
10mm Auto: Super-high pressure cartridge that beats up gun and shooter alike. Very brisk
recoil in anything other than all-steel S&W boat anchors, with a shot recovery that's
measured in geological epochs for most handgun platforms. Often underloaded to wimpy
levels (see ".40 S&W"), which then gives it 9mm ballistics while requiring .45ACP
magazine real estate.
.380ACP/9mm Kurz: Designed by people who thought the 9mm Luger was a bit too brisk and
snappy, which is pretty much all that needs to be said here. Great round if you expect to
only ever be attacked by people less than seven inches thick from front to back.
.357 Magnum: Lots of recoil, muzzle blast, and noise to drive a 9mm bullet to reckless
speeds in an attempt to make up for its low mass and diameter. Explosive fragmentation
and insufficient penetration with light bullets; excessive penetration and insufficient
expansion with heavy ones. Still makes only 9mm holes in the target.
5.7×28mm: Ingenious way to make a centerfire .22 Magnum and then charge quadruple price
for the same ballistics. Awesome chambering for a police weapon if you're the park ranger
in charge of the chipmunk exhibit at the zoo, and you want to make sure you can take one
down if it turns rabid on you.
.25ACP: Direct violation of the maxim "Never do an enemy a minor injury". Designed by
folks who wanted to retain the bullet diameter of the .22 rimfire round, but take a bit
of the excessive lethality out of it. Favored by people who don't feel comfortable
carrying anything more dangerous than the neighbor kid's rusty Red Ryder pellet gun.
I think this was written by some one, who carries BEAR spray.
Because they think it is FAR more human.
And effective, on a charging Grizzly, then a firearm!
Just my opinion!!
__________________
"If we ever forget we are one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Ronald Reagan
A Man WITH a gun is a CITIZEN, a Man WITHOUT a gun is a SUBJECT
