A Message from your California Highway Patrol

Discussion in 'The Powder Keg' started by Doglips, Jun 7, 2002.

  1. Doglips

    Doglips Guest

    I just find them I dont make it up...

    About Those Six Dead Cattle in California...
    A Message from your California Highway Patrol
    Published 06. 4. 02 at 18:16 Sierra Time

    Attention California Cattle Producers:
    As you may have heard, the 155 head of cattle that were taken from a Sovereign Indian Nation by the Bureau of Land Management last week were sold to an unknown buyer in the Golden State. This message is to inform you that our officers of California Highway Patrol (CHP) have reduced the California Cattle population by 6 near Santa Maria Sunday night in the town of Oso Falco.

    And in the opinion of the California Highway Patrol, the cows had it coming.

    Not to be outdone by the Los Angeles Police Department (that routinely disposes of humans in the same fashion), our officers ran into a tense situation with 6 cows belonging to Albert Silva of Santa Maria, which - to put it mildly - didn't respond to officers' demands. Hence, they were executed, or as we say "taken down".

    Those cows didn't see the signs. They didn't read the law. They didn't cower under the presence of our badges. They probably saw that Pacific Coast Highway 50 to 100 yards (150-300) feet away, and they should have known that when they see those flashing lights they should move away from the scene immediately, without hesitation.

    We understand that Nancy Crawford-Hall, president of the Santa Barbara County Cattlemen's Association said, "They can't do that." Excuse us, but we have the guns, and most of you Californian's don't. Hey, it was getting dark, and who knows what those cattle may have been packing while grazing. We have to look out for the officers' safety, you know.

    The CHP first found the cattle near Highway 1 about 7:30 to 8 p.m., according to Lt. Dennis Martinez, station commander for the CHP in Southern San Luis Obispo County.

    He said his agency tried to find the owner for up to three hours, making several calls. He said he did not know if his office tried to find a brand inspector. That's our story and we're sticking to it. Even though the CHP dispatch center in San Luis Obispo keeps a copy of the brand book, which lists all the local ranchers' names and addresses by the brands, so what. It was man against beef, and man won. Suicide by cop - times six.

    Whack'em and Slab'em. We may even continue the investigation to see if the cattle had any terrorist ties.

    Silva said his cattleman friend, Richard "Tuffy" Serpa, was at the scene and had offered to stay with the cattle until daylight to keep them off the roadway. He had planned to trailer his horse to the site Monday morning to track down the cows.

    But no, we didn't like those cattle. They didn't follow procedure, so they had to die.

    Feel lucky - we only used sidearms at first. Of course you can't just shoot one at close range and expect them all to just stand there and get slaughtered. So once the party began, it probably became a bloody hunt and destroy mission. That's when the rifle came in.

    Great cheese comes from happy cows. Happy Cows come from California. Yeah, we never did like that stupid ad campaign, anyway. Let this be a lesson to you smart talking cattle. We have a lot of vegetarians in this state, too. Bet those heifers ain't too happy now.

    No, our CHP officers didn't bother to contact the rural crime department of the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Department, which deals with livestock thefts. Who need's them? We had guns.

    The reason they were shot, Martinez said, was because of the safety risk they represented if they got onto Highway 1 and were struck by a vehicle. Of course, we don't usually have cars driving 50 to 100 yards off the highway in damp grazing areas. In the past, drivers and passengers have been injured, or even killed, in collisions with cattle and horses. So, you'll just have to accept our word for it. We don't care that Silva said at least three of the heifers were shot in a lying position, 50 yards from the roadway. We don't care that the rest were found 200 yards off the highway. That's the story we all agreed to tell you, so deal with it.

    Silva valued the unbred heifers at about $700 each. In addition, he had to pay $250 to the tallow works to remove the dead bovines. And he's complaining? What about the cost of our officer's bullets? What about the all the paperwork our guys had to fill out? What about what our officers got on their polished shoes?

    The local and county cattlemen's associations will just have to understand that these were either 'anti-government' bovine, or gang- banging cattle, and in this new War on Terrorism, America is better off without them.

    And another thing: It's been about 13 years since our officers felt the need to turn some cattle in to beef slabs in such a lethal fashion. They needed the practice.

    As for that brand inspector who lives in Orcutt that told Silva, "I could have been there in 20 minutes if called", you don't get it. You were expecting us to follow procedure here, without looking at how those cows defied the authority of the California government. They got in our way, and they had to pay.

    One more thing before we consider this matter closed: To this Silva guy, who keeps yakking to the media, "They didn't have to shoot 'em," and "Would they have shot them if there was 20 head of cattle?"

    Here's our answer: We would have just brought more guns, or called in the LAPD.

    Article written by J.J. Johnson

    :assult: :target:
  2. Big Dog

    Big Dog Retired IT Dinosaur Wrangler Forum Contributor

    I wonder if the local Burger King had a special on Whoppers after the event? How 'bout a barbecue at the Highway Patrol Auxillary?

  3. Hank Springer

    Hank Springer Guest

    Sounds to me as if Mr. J. J. Johnson has a lot of time on his hands and very little to capture his interest. He has written one side of the story. Now where's the rest?
  4. Shaun

    Shaun G&G Evangelist

    I have heard this on the news this week and I have driven through the area -- most likely thos cows would have moved further from the road rather than closer. So you guys know CHP by policy starts all rookies in the southern part of the state then moves them further north as they get up in the career. The normal CHP goal is to retire in Yreka , PRK. These were probably young guys who didn'
    t bother to call dispatch and have them match the brand and then have dispatch contact the owner. That was at least my agencies policy the only animal that we could dispatch was a deer hit by a vehicle. I hope those guys liked writing the reports & and I wonder if they used the AR's they are carrying now