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And now for the important news . .

Discussion in 'The Powder Keg' started by Doglips, Jul 23, 2002.

  1. Doglips

    Doglips G&G Newbie

    Jul 22, 7:17 PM

    And now for the important news . . .

    HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how's everybody?

    Tiger Woods suffered his worst day in his pro career Saturday in the British Open and shot an 81. Conditions were deplorable. The howling winds and downpour left everybody completely soaked, and that was just the stock brokerage commercials.

    Wall Street tumbled to a close Friday after its worst week in modern memory. The slide left stock forecasters speechless. No one wanted to say everyone was going under, but Hollywood picked the perfect weekend to release a submarine movie.

    The Wall Street Journal reported the Dow Jones finished Friday at its lowest level since 1998. The same day, the paper listed the deaths of two investors. One had tuberculosis at eighty-one and the other had AOL Time Warner at seventy-six.

    The Dow Jones meltdown focused American attention squarely upon the New York Stock Exchange. The market is all anybody talks about. The Axis of Evil is so yesterday it couldn't get a part in the new Austin Powers movie without auditioning.

    Zacarias Moussaoui stood in a Virginia courtroom Thursday, declared he's a member of al-Qaeda and pleaded guilty, but the judge refused to accept his plea. How much evidence do we need? For crying out loud, his mother has a bumper sticker on her car that reads My Son Was Student of the Month at Terrorist Training Camp.

    The Toronto Comedy Festival will showcase the talents of comedians worldwide this week. It has twelve comedy stages in one building. No one's seen this many jokes in one place since the SEC got a look at Arthur Andersen's Christmas card list.

    President Bush gave a radio speech Saturday on the consequences of corporate corruption. He said unethical business conduct that began in the 1990s is now being uncovered. He had better claim executive privilege while there is still time.

    The White House said the budget deficit hit $165 billion Tuesday despite the huge surplus only eighteen months ago. There's no shame in that. When George W. Bush campaigned for president he promised he would run this country like a business.

    Al Gore attended the Nashville Super Speedway Saturday for the Firestone 200 Indy car race. You can tell he's definitely running again. At the end of the race, Al Gore stood at the finish line and waved George W. Bush's checkered past.

    Robert Novak reported Sunday Hillary Clinton is being mentioned by Democrats as an ideal vice presidential candidate in 2004. It's completely plausible. She has been a VP before, but her record as virtual president was nothing to brag about.

    San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds insisted to Bob Costas last week he does not take steroids. Watching baseball players hit home runs lately is like watching re-runs of Baywatch. Half the fun is guessing whether or not they're real.

    A Los Angeles tenth-grader was kicked out of summer school last week for writing an essay in which he fantasized about shooting his teacher. His parents were absolutely shocked. They had no idea he could read or write.

    The Weather Channel said El Nino is returning to America this autumn. This means much colder weather. It could hurt movie attendance, but the Scottsdale Community Theater plans to present Ted Williams in The Iceman Cometh as scheduled.

    Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at :eek: