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Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one
tumble down the stairs.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these
days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean
back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far
and you almost fall over but at the last second you
catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing
they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say
the first thing they notice about men is they're a
bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It
pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

I'm not 60-something. I'm $59.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more
bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states
that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
but they've always worked for me.

You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some
for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster;
you are two days late with a video and those people are all
over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

if there is a will, there may be a way. if there is no will, there is no way.

i am progun, prochoice and pro everyone minding their own business about others minding theirs.

some people are confused believing their faith is fact. if it were fact, it wouldn't require any faith.

socialists are a lot of things, but liberal isn't one of them. the same goes for conservatives
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