Bread is Dangerous - We Need Anti-Bread Laws!

Discussion in 'The Powder Keg' started by Cyrano, May 2, 2008.

  1. Cyrano

    Cyrano Resident Curmudgeon Forum Contributor

    New York
    After reading the following, perhaps you'll agree that the Federal Government needs to establish the 2008 Anti-Bread Law, with the following provisions, based on relaible statistics....

    1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

    2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

    3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

    4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

    5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

    6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

    7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

    8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

    9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

    10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

    11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

    12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

    In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

    1. No sale of bread to minors.

    2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

    3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

    4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

    5. The establishment of "bread-free" zones around schools.

    Write your Congressman today! Something has to be done about the menace bread poses to American society! Never mind that such a law would abrogate our Constitutional rights, we need this law NOW!!
  2. TXplt

    TXplt Gun Toting Boeing Driver Forum Contributor

    OMG--I never knew !!!!

    Thanks, Cyrano.

    I was going to have a sandwitch for lunch--I coulda been killed !

    Guess I'll go shooting instead :)

  3. ghost_raven

    ghost_raven G&G Evangelist

    Reminds me of a story I heard where a girl circulated a petition at a science fair to ban dihydrogen monoxide... a lot of people who signed it were pretty red-faced when they found out they tried to ban water.
  4. tlarkin

    tlarkin Guest

    Bread killed my dog when I was a kid, all because I wanted to toast it.
  5. It is true that Wonder stopped doing home delivery of the stuff as too many women were getting bread on their front porch!
  6. TXplt

    TXplt Gun Toting Boeing Driver Forum Contributor

    Yeah.....they're trying to do the same thing with Carbon Dioxide now.........wish it was a joke !

    But there are alot of the same "red-faced" people who are keen to sign the petition....
  7. Windwalker

    Windwalker G&G Newbie

    Congress needs to especially target the assault type breads, ie. high energy types that release this energy into the body fully automatically.
  8. Hi my name is Mil and I am a bread addict. I used to eat bread in pudding toasted in sandwiches. I ate bread every where. I even traded my son so I could get just one more loaf. But now I no longer crave bread. Now I have Mosinitis and have to buy more Mosins.
  9. This doesn't even begin to expose the dangers! What about Cornbread! Laid beside a freshly smoked briket and a sponful of beans what havoc could be expected? We need to ban all bread with all of it's evile ramifications. My Gawd our childrens safety is at stake!
  10. cubbieman

    cubbieman Guest

    I've gotten all the bread out of my house

    mom was pretty pissed
  11. Sooner Shooter

    Sooner Shooter G&G Newbie Forum Contributor

    You're bad Lefty! Nice play!
  12. CalifgirlinOk

    CalifgirlinOk G&G Evangelist

    I just had a sanwich for lunch..!!! Now I'm going to die..:bigeyes::no1: HELP!!!!
  13. BUY FRENCH bread Save a Frog!
  14. Muddog

    Muddog Guest

    Perfect! I'll stash pieces of bread all over my house in all the dark, out of the way places. Thats SURE to get rid of those pesky mice...
  15. Please remember 'people don't kill people bread does'