Character Traits You Don't Want In Your New Dog by Sandy Lindsey 1. He promptly eats any dog training book that you bring into the house. 2. He's convinced that he's being helpful when he chews a "doggy door" in the screen door to your backyard. 3. His hobby is cleaning the leftover food off the neighborhood children's faces. 4. He thinks that the sound of thunder is bigger dogs challenging him, and barks back accordingly. 5. Every year, he attacks your scary Halloween lawn decorations, in a valiant attempt to protect his house. 6. After he farts in a room full of people, he glares at you, trying to pass off the blame. 7. When his rump itches, he drags it across your new pale beige carpet. 8. He thinks that small children were put on this planet to provide him with human treats that he can easily reach. 9. He confuses garden hoses with snakes and promptly rips them to pieces at the first opportunity. 10. He's decided to start regularly practicing his "there's a burglar at the front door barking" just in case one day someone's actually there.