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*****NEWS FLASH*****
Washington, D.C.

A Senate Committee, composed of Senators Tom Daschle (D-SD), Hillary Clinton (D-NY), and Diane Feinstein (D-CA), has announced that the rescue of the Pennsylvania coal miners has been cancelled, and the miners will, by recommendation of the Committee, be placed back in the mine.

The Senators noted the following violations in the rescue process:

10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for possible air pollution.

9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water

8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue, without first performing an Environmental Impact study.

7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity of the rescue workers.

6. The Republican Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to "Thank God" during a live television broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation of church and state.

5. Several people at this public, government supported, rescue effort mentioned praying.

4. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross section of American society.

3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given sufficient time to make speeches at the site. Bill Clinton was in Australia and also could not be contacted in time.

2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether or not any Republican officeholder owned stock in the coal company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused the mine to flood.

And Number 1....
No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine rescues.

"Once a proper diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically correct manner", the Committee noted.

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) also suggested that, as he had experience, perhaps a "bridge" could be constructed as a cheaper method of rescue.
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