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Dad's Rules for dateing MY Daughter.

Discussion in 'The Powder Keg' started by Doglips, Mar 23, 2002.

  1. Doglips

    Doglips G&G Newbie

    I got these off the Net...not my creation....Unlike Al Gore I did not invent the internet.

    Dad's Rules on Dating
    Fact is stranger than fiction

    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to you waist.

    Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it come to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".

    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing , holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything else other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies with chain-saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sounds of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull in the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.

    Oh, and don't forget... have a nice evening.
     
  2. squirrelsniper

    squirrelsniper G&G Newbie

    That's a good one, and.....

    I think I might have met the fellow that wrote all that. No, it couldn't have been, because I've met him 2 or 3 times and he was a different person each time. Maybe they were his brothers or something, but I think I've at least met the writer's next of kin.:D
     

  3. Chris

    Chris Administrator Staff Member

    7,641
    573
    That stuff is so funny, I like the staple gun part!!!
     
  4. Oxford

    Oxford G&G Evangelist

    Doglips: Another great posting! With two grown daughters now I laugh thinking back at how I reacted when they were dating. Some rules on the list sounded like mine.
     
  5. DavidC

    DavidC G&G Newbie

    I told my wife that i was going to pass this list out to boys who want to date my little girl. I sure hope none of them try anything she shoots better than me hehehe
     
  6. Shaun

    Shaun G&G Evangelist

    I have the 3 page application to date one's daughter if you are interested
     
  7. Doglips

    Doglips G&G Newbie

    post it for us all...I got 3 daughters (10,12,& 23) all in my home of course...ya I know Im 38 and the math dont work...start at 16 and work forward. Im they psyco dad when boys call..even my 23 yr old... If they remind me of me then no one leaves the house. :)
     
  8. Shaun

    Shaun G&G Evangelist

    Application to date one's daughter

    just copy it to word if you want to use it

    Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

    Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.

    Name:________________________Nickname/Alias:___________________
    Date Of Birth:____/____/____
    Height:______
    Weight:______
    I.Q.:______
    G.P.A.:________
    Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
    Driver's License#____________________
    Boy Scout Rank:_____________
    Good Standing:Yes_____No_____
    Home Address:__________________________________
    City/State/Zip_________________________________
    Home Phone#: (___)___________
    Car Phone#:_______________
    Pager#:__________
    Do you own
    a. Van?____
    b. Truck with oversized tires?____
    c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____
    Do you have any of the following:
    a. An earring_____
    b. nose ring______
    c. belly button ring_____
    or piercings on any other body parts_____
    Explain:_______________________________________________
    Tattoo?______
    (If you answered YES to any of the above questions,
    discontinue and leave the premises immediately.)

    In 30 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
    __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    In 30 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY
    DAUGHTER" mean to you?
    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    Church you attend_____________________
    How often______________________
    Best time to interview your pastor?_________________
    Fill In The Blank. Please answer freely, all answers will be confidential.
    a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken
    is:____________________________________________________
    b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask
    me is:________________________________________________
    c. Now answer the question you filled in on
    b:____________________________________________________________________________________________

    NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions dishonestly (and I will find out),
    discontinue application. It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your head low and running in serpentine fashion. I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers.
    _______________________________________
    Signature (This means sign your name)


    Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 YEARS for processing. If your application is approved, you
    will be contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could cause you unexpected injury.

    If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties and answering to the
    names GUIDO and LOUIE.


    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd
    better be delivering a package, because you're sure
    not picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of
    me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer
    at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
    eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove
    them.

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered
    fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
    trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
    their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but
    you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
    Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
    issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to
    the door with your underwear showing and your pants
    ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
    order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come
    off during the course of your date with my daughter, I
    will take my electric nail gun and fasten your
    trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's
    world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of
    some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
    comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for
    us to get to know each other, we should talk about
    sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
    do not do this. The only information I require from
    you is an indication of when you expect to have my
    daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I
    need from you on this subject is: "early."

    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,
    with many opportunities to date other girls. This is
    fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
    Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
    you will continue to date no one but her until she is
    finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
    you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting
    for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes
    by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
    for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
    is putting on her makeup, a process than can take
    longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead
    of just standing there, why don't you do something
    useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate
    for a date with my daughter: Places where there are
    beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
    Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
    dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where
    the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
    daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts,
    or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a
    goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies
    with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
    avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
    Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
    potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has been.
    But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all
    knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you
    where you are going and with whom, you have one chance
    to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
    the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
    behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
    little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the
    driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
    near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,
    the
    voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns
    as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon
    as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car
    with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
    password, announce in a clear voice that you have
    brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
    to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
    The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
     
  9. It's guys like you that made me have to go all the way to Texas to find a bride.

    I have two sons, but if I had a daughter, I would stiffen those rules up some. Absolutely to lenient.
     
  10. Dan M

    Dan M G&G Newbie

    3
    0
    I handed the rules and application to my 17 year old daughter. She read the whole thing than replied, She said (What about that faint red glowing light that gives you away when your watching us with your night scope!)