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All teenagers should get a high school education -- even if they already know everything.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's
not going to happen.'"

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals -- dying of nothing.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing
UFOs like they used to.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs, then
you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save
you thirty cents?

I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears
a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish
you'd come to me sooner."

You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on
expired visas, some for as long as 15 years.

Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all
over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

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