Dumb Criminals

Discussion in 'Humor Forum' started by gandog56, Feb 19, 2017.

  1. gandog56

    gandog56 G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    Recurring Themes: Once again, in January, curiosity got the better of a perp. Adriana Salas, 26, allegedly stole a truck in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and drove it to Fort Smith, 260 miles away, but then could not resist stopping by the local sheriff's office to ask whether the truck had been reported stolen. (It had; deputies, taking a look outside, read Salas her Miranda rights.)

    RIDGECREST, CA — An alleged burglar in California whose luck ran out when he got stuck inside a home’s chimney has been arrested.

    Officers from the Ridgecrest Police Department were initially dispatched to a home Sunday after reports of a triggered burglary alarm.

    A few minutes later, police got another call — this time from a woman who claimed that her friend was trapped in a chimney at the same address.

    When officers arrived, they discovered Keith Schultz, 28, wedged in the chimney.

    They also found signs of forced entry and an open back door, leading them to conclude that Shultz’s accomplices broke into the home with him, and then fled the scene when they were unable to free him.

    Schultz, who was covered in soot in his mug shot, was eventually rescued from the chimney by firefighters. He was taken to Bakersfield jail and charged with burglary.
     
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  2. rockman7

    rockman7 G&G Evangelist

    As the homeowner I'd not been able to resist the temptation to periodically as the guy in the chimney if he's seen my pet tarantula up there.... he's been missing for 3 days
     

  3. TACAV

    TACAV G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

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    or just start throwing in wood and kindling like you are going to start your morning fire (if there was soot in there clearly it was being used lol) and then pretend to be deaf for while you set the logs up for a minute or two just to screw with the guy. ;)
     
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  4. PaleHawkDown

    PaleHawkDown G&G Evangelist

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    If I knew there was a guy stuck in my chimney I'd be tempted to go up top and empty a few ice trays on top of him.
     
  5. mitchr

    mitchr G&G Evangelist

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    Read about an idiot that robbed a convenience store & was caught when he ran out of gas about 30 miles outta town.
     
  6. PaleHawkDown

    PaleHawkDown G&G Evangelist

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    I've seen:
    1. A dude who robbed the store across the street from his house - twice; And he drove there, and he parked his car where the clerks could see it both times.
    2. A dude who robbed a store where all the clerks knew him by name.
    3. A drunk who fired his gun while trying to prove it wasn't loaded.
    4. A woman who wrote bad checks at a bank that had her picture on the wall for writing bad checks. She then tried to post bail with a bad check.
    5. A man who bought a gun off of an undercover police officer less than three hours after getting out of jail. To his credit, he didn't realize the guy was the one who got him sent to jail in the first place.
    6. A drug dealer who called the cops because his stash and his money were missing. In all fairness he was scared that the people he actually owed the money to would come looking and he got off light for helping with a big bust. So maybe he wasn't THAT stupid.
    7. A guy that stole a car that had been left running in front of a gas station. The car was running to keep his pet Pit Bull comfortable. The thief did not make it far.
    8. A barber shop that was a front for drugs that set up shop across from City Hall. They had been under investigation but there wasn't enough evidence yet. Two thugs got in a fight and one fired a gun. Probable cause did in about 30 seconds what months of investigation had not been able to do and EVERYONE was taken down.

    If I thought about it long enough I could probably remember a few more.

    BONUS:
    While no charges were filed, there was a rather large settlement for this one:

    In South Alabama the farm land is all flat and people often buy those big, expensive, tractors with all the bells and whistles. One of the available bells and whistles is a GPS-based auto-pilot function that keeps the tractor on a set path for plowing, but still needs to be watched.

    A young man of 17 years was told to plow the field while his parents ran errands. He dutifully went out, programmed the tractor, and sat in it for about 15 minutes as it did its job before he was sure they were gone.
    Sure that the tractor would be fine without him, he went in, fixed a peanut butter sandwich and began to play X-Box. Three plowed rows later the tractor lost GPS signal, reset, and decided to go on its own adventure. It plowed across the field diagonally, climbed the embankment, broke through the fence, crossed five lanes of highway and a median, jumped a ditch, broke through another farmer's fence, plowed through a crop of strawberries and a crop of soy beans, broke an irrigator, and parked itself vertically against an oak tree. There it merrily chugged along until the owner of the soybeans and strawberries climbed in to turn it off.

    The police, the boy's parents, the press (me) and the irate farmer all arrived at the house within five minutes of each other. There the boy was, playing X-box and talking to his girlfriend on the phone.

    His girlfriend was telling him about some rogue driverless tractor that had been seen on the highway (though she didn't know where) and he hadn't made the connection until everyone showed up.

    That boy's parents were so mad they couldn't even form words, and the other farmer calmed down a whole lot when he saw the look on the kid's face.
     
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  7. mdj696

    mdj696 G&G Evangelist

    I saw a similar case involving chimneys where this kids parents went out of town. They forbid their kid from their house. Kid went down chimney and got stuck. Neighbor heard him yelling, called fire dept and us. Fire dept poured water down chimney to get him loose. I looked inside, den was flooded in about 3" of water.
    We had a burglary in a drug store in which perp(s) cut through the roof setting off alarm. We got there and perp(s) were gone. Looking around noticed a wallet lapped across one of the rafters. Open it up had one of perps drivers license, etc.. drove to his house and locked him up.
     
  8. mitchr

    mitchr G&G Evangelist

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    Parents had just bought their son a car for his 16th birthday. They were going out of town & told him not to take the car out while they were gone. He picked up 3 of his buddies & went to the nearby lake. Trying to make a turn too fast, they went off an embankment into the lake. Police, ambulance & news crew all showed up at the scene. The news crew was filming while a wrecker was pulling the car out of the lake. Informed the boys that it'd be on the nightly news & the kid realized his parents would see it on the news that night, while out of town. :p

    Another part to that story is my son & I were fishing along the bank just a short distance away when the car came crashing thru the air & into the lake. As it was settling down, 4 kids came out the windows & onto the top of the car. Three swam to shore, but the 4th started yelling fo help because he couldn't swim. We paddled over to pick him up & take him to the bank.

    Guess someone "up there" was looking out for us! I'd just hung my lure up in some brush & had to stop to get it untangled. If not for that delay, we'd likely been under that car when it hit the water!:)
     
  9. PaleHawkDown

    PaleHawkDown G&G Evangelist

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    If that had been a slapstick comedy a monster-sized fish would have fallen out of the kid's shirt when you dragged him in.
     
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  10. Palladin8

    Palladin8 G&G Evangelist

    Not long ago I was working on Treatment plant expansion project. The Contractor had just fine graded the new settlement ponds and was getting ready for the liners to be installed the following day.
    That night someone broke into the treatment plant and started vandalizing the place. They shot out windows on the equipment, shot a hole into the 20,000 gallon water tank, and drove their truck all over the graded ponds which delayed the install.
    When I was talking with the Contractor one of his guys brought a tool bag full of ammo, a hunting license, and other items that identified one of the perps. The police were contacted and knew immediately who the guy was. Another patrol was contacted to go pick up the perp. When they rolled up to his parents house they saw the truck covered in the Clay we had used to line the ponds and full of empty beer cans. Same cans that were at the jobsite.
    The arresting officer told us later that when he went into his bedroom the guy asked him how they were able to catch him so fast.
    It ended up costing him around $50,000 in damages caused. Most of it was due to schedule delay since it took almost a week to re-grade the ponds and that caused the company who installed the liners to have to sit on standby which wasn't cheap.
     
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  11. Big Dog

    Big Dog Retired IT Dinosaur Wrangler Forum Contributor

    Glad he was made to pay the damages. Too often, when caught they just do some time, get released, and never get truly punished. A major hit in one's bank account is a mighty fine lesson.
     
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  12. gandog56

    gandog56 G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    Christopher Wallace
    Wallace may share a name with the Notorious B.I.G., but any similarities end there. The 22-year-old was arrested in March while Snapchatting his whereabouts (he was currently hiding in a cupboard from police, who were searching his home at the time). That was actually his second incriminating post to the platform – his first was kind enough to inform police that he was at home in the first place.
     
  13. Big Dog

    Big Dog Retired IT Dinosaur Wrangler Forum Contributor

    Haha! All these online social media sites are a boon to the law enforcement community. It has helped put a lot of stupid criminals away.
     
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  14. TACAV

    TACAV G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

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    yea but I doubt that douche had $50,000 lying around... the company is probably still waiting to collect. :mad:
     
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  15. mdj696

    mdj696 G&G Evangelist

    In Ga if he was under 17 the parents would have to pick up the tab. Over 17 he's got a lot of burgers to flip.
     
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  16. Palladin8

    Palladin8 G&G Evangelist

    No I doubt he had $50,000 laying around. I'm doubting he had $50.00 to his name. He was in his mid 30s and was still living with mommy and daddy. He was well known with all the local law enforcement and he was the first person to visit when something happened.
     
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  17. gandog56

    gandog56 G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    A man in Dayton, Ohio, is facing indecency charges after a witness reported seeing him attempt to have sex with the front grill of a van parked on the street. Officers responding to a call Tuesday evening found the suspect, 35-year-old Michael Henson, wearing only a pair of black shorts and black shoes, according to NBC4i.com, which cited a police report. Henson was taken into custody and put in the back of a squad car while officers spoke to a female witness. She said she saw Henson pull down his shorts and then put his genitals into the front grill of a red van parked on the side of the road, according to WDTN.com. When the suspect passed out in the front yard near the van, the woman called police.
     
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  18. Big Dog

    Big Dog Retired IT Dinosaur Wrangler Forum Contributor

    Now we know how "Smart Cars" are made....... :oops:
     
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  19. gandog56

    gandog56 G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    If I tried to do a grill I may be the one that "smarts". :rolleyes:
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2017
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  20. aris_unlimited

    aris_unlimited G&G Evangelist

    I worked as an officer at our state prison for a while. Quickly realized it takes all sorts lol. The 2 stories that come to mind are as follows.

    The first one I saw via video as our swat team was required to take videos of every incident they were involved in for legal reasons. There was an inmate in a section that had made himself a shank. He had wrapped himself in magazines as body armor and had a mattress standing up in front of him for extra measure. The swat team was at the section entrance trying to get him to give it up. He refused. Now, he was too far away for pepper spray and gas grenades. We didn't have pepper ball guns at the time. So it was decided to use a rubber bullet from a shotgun. We had extensive training with these and the one thing that was constantly drilled into all our heads was to aim low, as even a rubber bullet could be lethal if it hits the wrong spot.
    So this swat officer lines up his shot, not being entirely sure where the inmates body is because he's behind a mattress, the officer aims a little extra low to be on the safe side. The swat team gives him one more chance to give up, at which point he tells them to f themselves. 2 seconds later the shotgun goes off, makes a heck of a racket in that little enclosed space. But you can still hear the inmate screaming over the sound of that gun. The inmate had dropped instantly. The swat team went in and handcuffed him, then called medical. As it turns out the swat officer had aimed a little too low. The rubber bullet had gone through the mattress and ripped off one of the inmates testicles! Didn't see a lot of inmates behind mattresses after that...



    For story number 2 I was directly involved. I was working the criminally insane wing one day and we had an inmate going crazy. We ended up pulling him out of his section and sending him into our seperate holding room where we kept people that were a danger to themselves or others (or at least a higher danger than normal). So we had to strip him down and put him in a suicide smock. A suicide smock is kind of what it sounds like. It's basically a mumu that connects in the front via velcro. The material on it is so thick and cumbersome that you cannot tie it into a knot to hang yourself and it is extremely difficult to cut.
    So we've got this inmate handcuffed to a bench while we go through his clothes that he was wearing before we put them with the rest of his property. He is still having his fun though and it was really kind of impressive to watch him reach his foot way up and use his toes to grab the smock and rip the velcro open exposing all his glory for us to see. Must've done this 5 times before he just left it closed. Had I thought about it, I might've realized he was limbering up. So the other officers finish going through his inventory, and throw their latex gloves in a trash can. Quicker than I would've thought possible, he reached over with his foot, grabbed the gloves with his toes and quickly stuffed them in his mouth and ate them!
    I couldn't believe it lol. The other officers were more stunned than I was when I explained to them what had happened. One actually went over to the garbage can and looked in. His comment? "The gloves are gone"!
     
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