Elecrtic Fences

Discussion in 'Humor Forum' started by Robertm, Oct 6, 2010.

  1. Robertm

    Robertm G&G Regular

    Electric fences
    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one , you
    should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like
    it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK
    YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired
    dentist.

    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
    months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
    entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
    fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
    for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove
    it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
    have in the ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
    wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
    knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
    the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
    hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
    charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
    upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
    side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
    ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
    Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally
    at one with the engine.

    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap
    lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I
    beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
    3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
    bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
    and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
    were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
    like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding
    onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
    can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ...
    but Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or
    whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

    This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
    accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
    soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
    take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    '****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
    loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
    it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God
    please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
    lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
    motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
    standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me
    that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the
    misery my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....

    I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was
    beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing,
    and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I
    was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
    seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
    things:

    1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

    2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
    cheek (not the left, just the right).

    3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as
    bad as you might think.

    4 - My left eye will not open.

    5 - My right eye will not close.

    6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
    little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it
    was better than new after that.

    7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
    foot long.

    8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking
    of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
    things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple
    check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the
    fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him,
    and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds
    me to triple check before I mow.
     
  2. Tracer

    Tracer G&G Aussie Dad

    it's been around , still funny as hell
     

  3. Tigercat200

    Tigercat200 G&G Evangelist

    Yep, that's how it works. A neighbor I had once put in one of those underground dog fences and then he walked across it with the dog's collar in his hand. ZAP ! ! ! Didn't keep the dog in but he never did that again.
     
  4. big boomer

    big boomer G&G Enthusiast

    When I was just a kid about 6 or so a friend decided it was a good idea to pee on the elec. fence. Boy did he put out an blood curdling scream and never made that mistake again. still funny as heck.
     
  5. BarryHalls

    BarryHalls G&G Evangelist

    OOOOh I nearly shat myself at work because of this.

    I had 3 people telling me to shut up and I still couldn't stop laughing or reading.
     
  6. VERY funny !

    I learned at age 8 to touch a suspected electric fence with a three foot stick. If the fence was "on" enough charge would get through the stick to tingle your hand, but not enough to hurt.

    This little trick later served me well during years of pheasant hunting in dairy country.
     
  7. SwedeSteve

    SwedeSteve Freedom Zealot Forum Contributor

    ^ Learned that lesson as well !!
     
  8. Ninja Piper

    Ninja Piper G&G Evangelist

    Warn me to stretch before posting something this funny! My side hurts!!!
     
  9. BarryHalls

    BarryHalls G&G Evangelist


    Yeah, I fell outta my chair.
     
  10. shop tom

    shop tom G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    I used to hunt on land that had a dairy farm on it. I grabbed the electric fence (probably because my dad told me not to, I was 10 or 11). It didn't hurt, probably because I was wearing mittens, but I could feel the charge pulse every few seconds.

    tom
     
  11. SSG Tipton

    SSG Tipton G&G Newbie

    I made the mistake of peeing on a fence post with an electric fence once. we had crossed it earlier to hunt in a wood lot within the fence, and I knew that the charger was broken. I didn't know that it had been replaced before we came out. When the bull came at us, I jerked, and pee-ed on the wire. I won't ever make that mistake again!