Gun-Control Net-Work Credo Rogering you for a safer tomorrow. That guns are the real cause of crime, but we will blame and jail the owner of said gun for the crime, even if the owner wasn't the person involved. That a mugger will kill you in the half-second it takes to draw from the holster, but won't harm you while you dial the police on your cell phone, talk to the dispatcher and wait half an hour for officers to arrive. That gun control works, which is why there are no illegal weapons in Northern Ireland or Beirut. That the proper response to an attack is to call the police, but only unarmed police, because "Violence never settles anything." That it's wrong to make snide, sexist comments about women, unless the comments are about women who own guns. That a hijacker could easily take a gun away from a pilot, but the hundreds of passengers aboard would then be unable to take the gun away from the hijacker. That if there'd been a gun aboard American Airlines Flight 11, someone could have been hurt. That rapists prefer to attack armed women so they can take the guns and use them against the victims. That 1 firearm owner in 10,000 will commit an act of violence in his or her lifetime, and this is far more frightening than the 25% of drivers who will cause a serious or fatal accident. That you should rely on police in lieu of your gun, just as you should rely on a dentist in lieu of your toothbrush. That car keys, umbrellas and hairspray are good tools for self-defense, despite the fact that police continue to carry guns. That Washington DC's low murder rate of 80.6 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, but Arlington, Virginia's high murder rate of 1.6 per 100,000 is attributable to the lack of gun control. That the depressed and emotionally disturbed should not be allowed to own guns that shoot bullets with 250 ft-lbs of energy, but should be allowed to own 4000 lb cars with 1,136,000 ft-lbs of energy (at 65 mph). That "assault weapons" are "very powerful" but big game hunters oddly prefer .30-06s and .375 H&Hs. That we should outlaw bullet proof vests so criminals can't use them, and private citizens should be then proud to be killed in the crossfire, knowing they are doing their part for society. That NASA, the military, physiologists, anatomists and trainers all agree and Olympic scores confirm that men on average have tremendously more upper body strength than women, but women should try to defend themselves with martial arts and not a gun. That it's terrible when police officers plant weapons on a suspect to enable them to make an arrest, but we should have tougher laws against weapons and trust the police not to abuse them in this way. That police arriving at 80mph are a better way to stop criminals than bullets arriving at 800mph. That people buy guns as "substitute penises," because they know that only people with small penises ever get attacked by criminals. That Hitler and Stalin didn't disarm citizens, only Jews, Gypsies, gays, unionists and other "undesirables." (Yes, a liberal member of the Million Mom March actually said this in the Washington Post.) That to properly understand Nazi gun control, one must consider the "legitimate fears" they had of the Jewish population. (This was another self-proclaimed liberal. I'm beginning to wonder.) That families with children should not be allowed to own guns for safety reasons, just as they aren't allowed to own dogs, power tools, or toxic chemicals. That it's wrong to destroy someone's life over an administrative crime by jailing them and impoverishing their family, unless that crime is to own a gun. That a law that allows someone to keep doing "X" that has been legal for years, in the face of another, badly written law that says they can't do "Y", is a "loophole." That it's wrong to politicize that the World Trade Center attackers didn't need guns to hijack a plane, but okay to politicize that the Columbine High School killers bought gunsâ€¦illegally. That when someone dies because they couldn't get a drug the government won't approve, it's tragic, but when someone dies because they couldn't defend themselves with a gun the government won't approve, that's just life. That a criminal is somehow more of a threat to a police officer than to a regular person, so police need guns and regular citizens don't. That the "Reasonable" uses for guns are hunting and target shooting, but not self-defense. In other words, it's acceptable to use them as toys but not as lifesaving devices. That .50 caliber rifles are both "very rare" and "selling like hotcakes." That the fact that .50 caliber rifles are very rare justifies banning them, just as the rarity of Lamborghinis, and other high-performance cars, justifies banning them. That intelligent people should support gun control because they realize they are too stupid to be trusted with guns. That a gun is merely an inadequate substitute for a penis, so when attacked by a mugger one should pull out aâ€¦ That a gun is a symbolic penisâ€¦what this has to do with defending one's life I have no idea. It simply serves to prove that anti-defense psychiatrists clearly have Freudian issues that THEY need to address. That reasonable licensing fees will stop casual ownership of guns, but anyone who would jump through hoops to own a gun is obsessive. That outlawing the carrying of guns will stop people from doing so, just as lowering the speed limit stops reckless driving. That we should deal with the problem of criminals using illegal weapons by taking lawful weapons away from honest people. That we should ban guns if it saves even one life - it's worth it! . . . . . . Just as we should ban assemblies where people might be trampled to death-if it saves just one life - it's worth it! . . . . . . And we should ban speech by groups who offend public order if it saves just one life - It's worth it! . . . . . . And we should ban unhealthy foods if it saves just one life - It's worth it! andâ€¦ That a punk wakes up one morning, and thinks, "Gee, instead of robbing, raping, sodomizing and killing a young woman, why don't I turn my $400 gun in for $20 and a pizza and go work at McDonald's?" That the more helpless you are, the safer you are from criminals. That you should give a mugger your wallet, because he doesn't really want to shoot you and he'll let you go, but that you should give him your wallet, because he'll shoot you if you don't. That one can sue a store for having a slick floor, falling ceilings, and sharp corners, but if they refuse to let you bring a gun in and you get shot by a criminal, they aren't liable for enforcing that rule with others. That there is no right of self defense, and the police are not legally obligated to respond to my cries for help when disarmed, but you can sue them if they take too long to get to a traffic accident. That there's no incongruity in claiming the preferred weapon of a drug dealer is a $25 .22 caliber pocket pistol, and claiming the preferred weapon of a drug dealer is a $2000 machinegun in the same piece of propaganda. That any cheap weapon is a "Saturday night special," and any expensive weapon is an "assault weapon." That an intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .44 Magnum will get angry over your retaliation and kill you. That firearms in the hands of private citizens are the gravest threat to world peace, and China, Pakistan and Korea can be trusted with nuclear weapons. That Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit. After memorizing the Gun-Control Net-Work Credo, please continue on to Join Us This is a parody site and NOT the official site for the Gun- Control Network. Anyone wishing to register a complaint about the sarcasm and/or humor on this site may do so here.