HCI Self-defense quiz.... 1. You worked late and now the parking lot is dark and deserted. Just before you reach your car, you are approached by 2 men, both armed with a weapon. Do you: a) Blow your enlightened and non-violent 'rape-whistle' while flapping your arms like a turkey and calling for help on your all-powerful cell phone? b) Use compassion and reason with them, explaining that while their actions are sociologically understandable for their demographic, they may be in violation of the local criminal code? c) Lower yourself to their level by engaging in reckless and unwarranted vigilante actions, such as fighting back with your own violence-injecting weapon, which your socio-economic level does NOT excuse? d). Soil yourself? 2. It's 2:00 am and you and your children are asleep. Suddenly you are awakened by the loud crashing sound of your backdoor being kicked in. Do you: a) Foolishly grab your children, lock yourselves in a trauma-inducing and paranoid safe room, where you can scheme to commit illegal and reckless vigilante actions that will forever scar your children? b) Grab your children, cower in a corner and get ready to "take one for the team", hoping that the intruder will be compassionate enough to spare your 14 year old daughter, or at least be good enough to despoil all of you on a non-chafing, hypo-allergenic and recyclable surface? c) Pretend you are asleep and soil yourself, while flapping your arms like a turkey to confuse, frighten and disgust the intruder? d). Soil yourself? 3. You are stopped at a traffic light, with your baby asleep in the backseat, when a man jumps in your car wielding a knife and demands that you start driving. Do you: a) Provoke the less-fortunate and rube-like human-being by selfishly turning off the car's engine, callously throwing the keys out the window, and blowing the horn in a racist or homophobic manner? b) Dangerously escalate the situation, pulling out your own gun and, (before he inevitably disarms you) tell the attacker to get out or get ventilated? c) Drive the attacker where he wants to go because he is obviously a misguided soul who's down on his luck and could use some help, if necessary letting him "sample the groceries" under the nearest bridge abutment to show your social conscience ? d). Soil yourself? 4. You and your family are enjoying a quiet evening at home when suddenly your front door is thrown open and three armed robbers invade your home, demanding money and valuables. Do you: a) Employ the SNiVeL technique, cringing and groveling while they put both your orthodontist and plastic surgeon into the next tax bracket? b) Tell the robbers that most of your neighbors aren't home and that they all have much nicer things than you do? c) Foolishly attempt to employ lethal force, taking a precious human life in defense of selfish yuppie belongings? d). Soil yourself? Scoring: Question 1: (a) 1pt. (b) 2 pts. (c) 0 pts. Question 2: (a) 0 pts. (b) 1 pt. (c) 2 pts. Question 3: (a) 1 pt. (b) 0 pts. (c) 2 pts. Question 4: (a) 2 pts. (b) 1 pt. (c) 0 pts. 10 points: You are a well-balanced, socially minded individual, who understand that guns are the root of all evil, violence "never settles anything" and that self-defense is "not the answer" except for law enforcement officers and liberal politicians. 9 - 6 points: You are on the way to being a better, more socially aware individual. You need to work just a little harder at perfecting the SNiVeL and realize that all of god's creatures are entitled to live without fear of "gun violence" except for you and your family. 5 - 1 points: Beware! You are dangerously close to becoming a member of a crazed, right-wing militia group! However, it is not too late to save yourself! Our self-help course, Violence Is Considered a Totally Inappropriate Measure, was designed for people just like you. Send for information on our V.I.C.T.I.M. course today! (Diaper not included). 0 points: We know who you are .... and we're coming to get you! Hey, is that Janet Reno "working on your power lines" out there?