HOMELAND SECURITY CHIEF ISSUES NEW ALERT SYSTEM National laughingstock and Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge Receives Congratulations From President Bush After Unveiling Innovative New Alert System For Nation March 12, 2002: Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge's office has outlined the nation's five new stages of alert, along with instructions on how citizens and government agencies should respond: 1. Green is a low risk of terrorist attack. 2. Blue is a general risk, and agencies are asked to review emergency response procedures. In particular, law enforcement officials are asked to temporarily suspend investigations involving doughnut establishments and sampling the jelly doughnut of the day. 3. Yellow is an "elevated condition," meaning there is a significant risk of attack. Increased surveillance of critical locations is called for and the INS is asked to temporarily stop issuing I-20 forms to foreign nationals who previously have blown up the World Trade Center. 4. Orange signifies a high risk of attack, meaning the government should coordinate necessary security efforts with armed forces or law enforcement agencies and precautions should be taken to prevent Entertainment Tonight from airing interviews with spouses of Osama Bin Ladin, no matter how outrageous, courageous, spontaneous, or exclusive they are. The INS is asked to permanently stop issuing I-20 forms to foreign nationals who have previously blown up the World Trade Center. 5. Red means a "severe risk" of attack and may require the pre-positioning of specially trained teams, closing public and government facilities, and consulting with McGyver or the A-Team about strategies for assembling nuclear weapons in a garage, using only a paper clip and a garden hose.