close

Privacy guaranteed - Your email is not shared with anyone.

How to give a cat and a dog a pill

Discussion in 'The Powder Keg' started by Sniper[MI], Aug 20, 2002.

  1. "How to give a Cat a pill"

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of
    your left arm as if holding a
    baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
    either side of cat's mouth and
    gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
    pill in right hand. As cat
    opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
    close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
    sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
    and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
    pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
    left arm, holding rear paws
    tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
    push pill to back of mouth with
    right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
    of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat
    from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
    from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
    between knees, hold front and rear
    paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
    spouse to hold head firmly with
    one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
    Drop pill down ruler and rub
    cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
    pill from foil wrap. Make note
    to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
    sweep shattered figurines and
    vases from hearth and set to one side for
    gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to
    lie on cat with head just
    visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
    drinking straw, force mouth
    open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
    humans, drink 1 beer to take
    taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
    and remove blood from carpet
    with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get
    another pill. Open another beer.
    Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto
    neck, to leave head showing. Force
    Mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
    throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
    cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
    beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
    Apply cold compress to cheek
    and check records for date of last tetanus
    shot. Apply whiskey compress to
    cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
    Throw Tee shirt away and fetch
    new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the
    f------ cat from across the road.
    Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
    while swerving to avoid cat.
    Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear
    paws with garden twine and
    bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy
    duty pruning gloves from
    shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
    piece of filet steak. Be rough
    about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
    of water down throat to wash
    pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
    drive you to the emergency
    room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
    and forearm and removes pill
    remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
    way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat
    from hell and call local pet shop
    to see if they have any hamsters.

    ========

    HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

    1. Wrap it in bacon
    :nod: :nod: :nod: :nod: :nod: