Humor - The best medicine

Discussion in 'Political/Religious Topics' started by grizcty, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

    check food stamps.jpg


    An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity.

    When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

    The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

    The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

    "Hit him again," the child said.

    "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"

    ########

    An executive was attempting to do some menial office work himself. His assistant found him standing in front of the office shredder holding a piece of paper with a puzzled look on his face.
    "Can I help you?" the assistant asked.

    "I'm having trouble, I'll have to admit," replied the executive.

    "Here let me show you," said the assistant, and he took the piece of paper, placed it in the feed chute and pressed the red 'ON' button. The shredder hummed and sucked in the piece of paper.

    "Wow! I'm embarrassed. That's pretty easy," the executive exclaimed. "Oh, and I just need one copy."

    ########

    Anal Glaucoma ~
    Another new Illness to watch out for ...

    A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home
    because she is not feeling well.

    "So, what's the matter?" he asks.

    "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

    "And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

    "I just can't see my *** coming into work today."

    ########

    After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

    1, 2, 3, 4, 5

    At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Mississippi and Alabama.

    ########

    Kelly was standing in front of O'brien's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

    Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"

    "I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"
     

  2. Rave

    Rave G&G Evangelist

    You got some pretty hot stuff there! :usa:;):D:D:D:D:D
     
  3. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    New Billboard Pops Up on CA Highway Overnight, 4 Words Make Maxine Waters PANIC

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    Overnight, a billboard popped up alongside a busy highway in California, where Hispanic GOP candidate Omar Navarro is challenging Maxine Waters for her seat in the U.S. Congress. Waters began to panic when she saw the large sign because four words exposed her dirty secret to many of the same constituents who have been voting for her for years.

    On Thursday, Omar Navarro shared a photo on Facebook which had his supporters cheering and his opponents — most of whom are longtime fans of Rep. Maxine Waters — in a state of panic. Navarro, who is just 29-years-old, is challenging Waters for her seat in the U.S. Congress.

    Navarro’s photo depicted a billboard which has been erected along a busy California highway. Maxine Waters’ ugly mug is plastered across the left side of the massive sign, and on the right side, the message to voters is loud and clear: Rotten To The Core.

    Adjacent to Waters’ face on the right side of the billboard is a picture of an old apple core which has begun to rot, much the same way the congresswoman has after years and years on Capitol Hill. The sign also states that Waters has been “Named ‘Most Corrupt’ by C.R.E.W. 5 times.”
     
  4. neophyte

    neophyte Wonderment :) Forum Contributor

    grizcty: Sir; wow weeee :) she needs to be thrown to the curb.
     
  5. rockman7

    rockman7 G&G Evangelist

    Looney tunes understood concealed carry....


     
  6. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    One day Mr. Purdue comes up with this great idea for the Catholic Church. Immediately he makes plane reservations to go to Rome.

    When he gets into Rome he makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says this: "It is great to meet you, your Eminence, and I have a little proposition for you. See, I was in church the other day and I thought of a great idea. Purdue Chickens is ready to give the Church $500,000 if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. What do you think?"

    The Pope pondered for a second and said: "I don't really think so."

    Well, Mr. Purdue was not going to be let down by this so he continued: "Purdue Chickens is so organized that we figured that there would be a little dificulty in the first offer. Okay, we are prepared to give the Church $1 million dollars to change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens'."

    The Pope thought a little longer this time and responded: "No, I really don't think so."

    Now, Mr. Purdue was getting a little nervous. He took out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat from his brow. He said: "Now, we at Purdue Chickens didn't really think that the offer was going to go this far, but nevertheless, we prepared ourselves. We are willing to give the Church $5 million if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens.' What do you think?"

    The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue blankly and then said: "Sure."

    Later that day the Pope had a meeting with the Cardinals. He said: "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good new is that the Church has gained $5 million dollars. The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account."

    ########

    A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
    The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

    The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

    The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

    The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

    "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

    ########

    A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska.

    After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

    The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

    With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

    The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."

    The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

    ########

    [​IMG]
     
  7. Rave

    Rave G&G Evangelist

    Yeah,then run over by the bus! :usa:;):rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
     
    Ron The Legend, jwrauch and Ten Man like this.
  8. PaleHawkDown

    PaleHawkDown G&G Evangelist

    11,238
    13,590
    Edgar was a name dropper. Whenever he and his lodge brothers would get together he would talk about all the famous people he knew.
    It was always, "Poor Elvis, I told him the bacon fat was killing him."
    Or, "I gave Kurt Cobain his first cardigan."
    Or, "I had dinner Tuesday with Tom Hanks."
    Or, "I played a few rounds of golf with Dustin Hoffman, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Deniro last weekend."

    It didn't matter who you named, Edgar knew them personally.

    One day Edgar was bragging about being friends with the Pope, and his lodge brothers had finally had enough.

    "Sure," said Edgar. "The pope and me have been buddies since he was just a South American named Jorge. In fact, I'm going to visit him at the Vatican next week."

    He then showed everyone his ticket to Rome.

    The lodge decided that they would pool their money to buy a ticket for one of the members so that he could go to Rome and prove Edgar a liar once and for all. The member chosen was John, a deacon in the local church and the most honest man anyone knew.

    Edgar was more than happy to have a friend along, and more happy to prove how many people he knew.

    The two men went to the Vatican and Edgar split off saying, "I'm going to say 'hey' to Jorge. "

    To John's astonishment, 15 minutes later Edgar was standing on the balcony with the Pope.

    He pulled out his phone to take video because, under the circumstances, he wasn't sure HE would be believed.

    At the next lodge meeting John played the video for the brothers, and everyone chattered in astonishment.

    "Shh," said John. "You'll miss the next bit."

    Two tourists could be seen walking up to the camera. The tourists just happened to be Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Cruise.

    "Do you speak English," Cruise asked.

    "I do," said John.

    "Good, can you tell me who the guy in the funny robes standing next to Edgar is?"
     
  9. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    Back on July 9th, some Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

    [​IMG]

    George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
    asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
    Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

    It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??
     
  10. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    I plead guilty too. :D

    [​IMG]

    ########

    A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
    His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
    He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
    "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
    "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
    "We hadn't started eating yet."

    ########

    There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
    The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.

    These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
    A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

    Finally he had to ask them.
    He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
    The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

    ########

    An elderly couple had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary and were sitting on their porch, relaxing.

    Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs.

    Suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head and just as quickly goes back to her book.

    Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

    She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

    They both go back to reading their books, but a few minutes later the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head and then goes back to reading his book.

    The wife was now puzzled and asks him, "What was that for?"

    Not looking up from his book, the husband answers, "That's for knowing the difference."
     
  11. savage12755a

    savage12755a G&G Evangelist

    A young man decided it was time to announce to his parents that he was gay. Sunday dinner seemed to be the right time. He decided to tell his mother first, so he went into the kitchen where she was stirring a big pot of sauce. He told her, "Mom, I have to tell you something." "What is it ,dear?" "Well, mom, I'm gay." Mom stood there for a moment still stirring the sauce, then asked him, "Does that mean you put other men's penis's in your mouth?" "Well, yeah." Mom immediately turned around and smacked him upside the head with the spoon so hard, she almost knocked him down. "What was that for?" he asked. She replied, "Don.t you ever complain about my cooking again!!"
     
  12. Ten Man

    Ten Man G&G Evangelist

  13. PaleHawkDown

    PaleHawkDown G&G Evangelist

    11,238
    13,590
    Good thing you didn't post a Glock starter pack. There are three competing styles of those:

    Style 1:
    Sports jersey
    oversized pants
    do rag
    expensive Nikes
    gold teeth
    gold chains
    a flat-brimmed ball cap with the stickers still on, worn in a way which provides no protection from the sun
    baggie of weed


    Style 2:
    neck beard
    Glock shirt and hat (Tapout or UFC shirt may be substituted)
    sandals
    cargo shorts
    tactical holster
    Oakleys or Ray-Bans
    Glock window sticker for car
    20 or more extra pounds
    total conviction in "Glock superiority" despite spending $400+ on upgrades for the gun

    Style 3:
    Black Belt Magazine subscription (Soldier of Fortune accepted as substitute)
    eBay body armor
    Other tactical gear from Amazon
    a bladed accessory in "zombie" green
    black milsurp pants
    shirt with some sort of military or police logo
    some sort of face mask
    stories about how awesome you and your Glock are
    Girlfriend in another town that no one has seen
     
  14. animalspooker

    animalspooker G&G Evangelist

    You left out plain clothed, dumpy guy! ie: me
     
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  15. PaleHawkDown

    PaleHawkDown G&G Evangelist

    11,238
    13,590

    True experts never buy a starter kit
     
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  16. animalspooker

    animalspooker G&G Evangelist